"How are you?"

“How are you?”

This is such a simple question that also can feel so loaded. How often do we just say “good” as a natural reaction?

But honestly, I feel like I’m dying a slow, painful death. I don’t think that response is quite what people are anticipating to hear. You are all thinking a.) You’re being dramatic. B.) Are you seeing a therapist? C.) How in the world do I respond to that? D.) You look fine.

Am I in the ballpark? So instead I say “I’m okay.” “I’m managing.” Or “Not great. But I’ll be fine.” These responses are also my way of opening the tear gates with someone who might not even care how I’m really doing.

Now close your eyes and pretend you feel like you haven’t slept in days, someone took you out back and beat you up, clamps, belts, and ropes are tied tight around your limbs, weights are strapped to you, your neck is pinched, you have the constant urge to pee, you have a headache, and your stomach is in rotation of cramping, turning, and general pain. Now go to work, take care of your kids, keep up with everyday household tasks, make supper, make sure you take all of your supplements, and avoid/limit gluten, dairy, sugar, and caffeine.

How are you?

Recently I took a break from floating for about 2.5 weeks. I thought we had a breakthrough for what was going on with me and that I’d fix it and could just move on. I’ve had this hope numerous times. I wrap my head around it and go all in. We thought it was maybe parasites. So I did tons of research and really restricted my diet to avoid feeding the parasites and the whole bit. After a few weeks I realized that maybe it wasn’t the answer to all my problems and it wasn’t going to be this magical miracle like others had experienced. And beyond that I had already had enough money sitting on my credit card and didn’t want to add the membership expense. Well, I plummeted. It was a bad idea. I fight every day, but the float helps keep my head clear so I can “manage”. I knew floating was helping me. But I quickly learned it’s literally my life source. If I don’t go, depression and pain wins. Most people don’t understand depression. I know I didn’t. I can feed my mind positive thoughts all day long and every one will be knocked down. I can count my blessings, make a list of everything I’m thankful for (it’s a HUGE list), and appreciate the little things. But at the end of it… is it worth living if you can’t enjoy it? So then you tell yourself you must for others. Then depression says, “but would it be easier for them if they didn’t have to worry about you or accommodate life for you?” So then you try to compromise and do your best to appear as normal as possible to avoid affecting others with your own pain. But somedays even that isn’t feasible. On the worst days Violet, Ben, and Theodore carry me. Theodore and Violet’s love is so intense that sometimes they hurt me. Yes, Violet bit me the other day because she probably wanted to eat me she loves me so much. And Theodore hugs so well it hurts. I feel the same way about them. Do I still want to see them graduate even if every inch of me hurts? I do. But somedays, depression wins and I don’t.

I sometimes am told “Please let me know if you need any help.” This is a great thing to hear. But when it comes down to it… it’s hard to ask for help. And often help is given when it’s convenient for people. So when you do finally ask and are turned down by multiple people you feel even worse. Everyone has their own lives full of activities, work, keeping up with the house, and so on. It takes a village only works if your village isn’t busy. I’m guilty of saying this to people more times than I can count. And when I say it I do truly mean it. Most of the time I don’t get the call though. And do you know why? Because nobody wants to admit defeat. Or they talk themselves out of really needing the help. They’ll be fine. They can do it. If you have a friend who you know needs help or maybe they don’t even need it … maybe you just want to do something nice… this is a better approach:

“Would your kids like to come over and play?” “Can I take your kids to XYZ?” “Can I come over and hang out for awhile, so you can XYZ?” (it takes away the parent guilt)

“Can I bring over a meal for you?” “Here’s a gift card for groceries or for takeout”

“Here’s a gift card for (whatever suits that person’s situation)” – My good friend recently sent me a gift cert. to Full Spectrum and I literally cried. It’s a car payment each month for my membership and that gesture went a long ways!

“Can I come over and help plant flowers in your yard? I know how much you love them!” “Can I mow your lawn?”

The possibilities are endless really. I know you’re already all thinking of people that you want to help. And know what… sometimes we can’t do these things for people. So then we just need to send them a note saying we’re thinking of them.. or just saying hi.. or sending cheer.. whatever it may be!

Writing this is difficult for me. I feel so exposed. But I also felt an urge to just write this down. I have a hard time sharing my hardships, because I never want people to feel sad. I only want to help people feel joy. Everything I think to say I can respond with a retort in my head. “My legs hurt so bad it hurts to walk.” (But you’re still able to walk, so don’t complain.) “I’m so exhausted I feel sick.” (Ya, so are several other people, just deal.) “blah blah blah blah” (Things could be worse.) If I acted outwardly how I feel inside I don’t think I’d have any friends left. Let me guess what you’re thinking… “Ashlee, that’s a lot of weight to carry. You shouldn’t feel that way.” I can assure you that my therapist has told me this numerous times. “Ashlee, be kind to yourself.” I know this and I’m trying. I’m trying all of it and fighting like hell. And I can promise you I haven’t given up even if sometimes it sounds like I have. This all might be temporary, but no one knows for sure, only God knows. I just look back at everything I’ve learned along the way and do my best to share those lessons.

If you read this and want to feel helpful… Next week we need to tear out our flooring and I guarantee you that Ben and I would appreciate any help. We need furniture moved out of the house, shelves and some kitchen storage put into bins, and hardwood taken out. And your next question is.. why in the world would you do this if you’re in such a rough place. Well, because the carpet needs to be replaced and we might as well do everything right just once. And we’ve been putting it off for months in hopes that the next month we’ll be in a better spot. That hasn’t happened and we’re going with… we’re good enough, so let’s get it done.

Love you all!

Ashlee