It's Time.

“I can’t do this.”

This plays in my head multiple times a day. Starting with waking in the morning. And then plays, “you have to”, on repeat until I move forward.

I’ve been listening to the podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”. It’s hosted by Nora Mcinerny, who also wrote a book called It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too). I read the book after seeing her host a live show. Stacey Huiras was already a big fan of hers and a few of us tagged along to the show. I had never witnessed a live podcast before, nor did I know that’s what I was going to be seeing when I went. She interviewed some fantastic people, who all made you think harder about life. I’ve only listened to a few podcasts so far, but each one really sits with you. The one I just listened to was about a woman who suffered severe postpartum depression. She was successful in her career and was beyond excited to be a mom. As soon as she had her daughter she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. So she talks through her dark days and the types of thoughts she had through it all. It was bizarre how relatable some of it was for me, but in a different scenario. She talked about how she became a different person than the person she was on the radio. And how before they were both the same person. No one would have known that the girl on the radio was struggling. I see it all the time with myself now. Work Ashlee just has to fill her role and fulfill the expectations in that role regardless of who she is outside of work. I find it hard to believe that I’m that stealthy though and people don’t know. Of course, now that I’ve told the world through this blog and Facebook it’s not much of a secret. I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t, would people know? And even now that they know, do they see it? Or do they wonder what in the world I’m writing about because it sounds nothing like the person in the office they see.

I realize in the grand scheme it doesn’t matter what other people think. But it affects us even when we don’t want it to. I’ve been thinking hard on what my next steps should be. As the days go on it just gets harder and I feel more of the “I can’t do it”. I’ve started to hibernate more in my cube or just avoid it all together and work from home. The actual ability to talk to other people has become more difficult some days. Which sounds bizarre. But I just can’t think of the words to say. There isn’t any energy there to have an organic conversation. I worked at home recently and I even contemplated cancelling a meeting because I just wasn’t sure I could talk through it. But I had to make myself do it. And I get panicky about upcoming events and how I’m going to get through those. And picking up my kids and getting back home. The list goes on and it’s maddening. In previous parts of my life I’ve analyzed and overthought things. But never to this extent where it can become paralyzing at times.

On top of that I’ve found it challenging to open up to people. There are still a few people that I feel comfortable talking to thankfully, but not as many as one would think. I have so many friends, yet I can hardly talk to any of them. It just doesn’t make sense. But I’ve found that some people have a way of minimizing my feelings whether they realize it or not. And because of this very thing I become closed off. I do enough of that task on my own. Beat myself down with the devil’s advocate. So subjecting myself to it outside my head adds extra defeat. People don’t know what to do with people who are struggling. They don’t know what to say or how to act. I’ve basically upheld a certain image for such a long time that when I tell people that what they’re seeing is not real and I’m putting up a barrier, they minimize it or can’t comprehend it. Even though I feel like I’m making great feats in expressing what I’m going through, it’s still sometimes so small to the outside world it gets missed.

You know how when you have a long, hard day or a day full of adventure, you get home and you feel like you might just collapse. When the exhaustion has hit to the point where you think you might break and sometimes the slightest thing can set you off. That is how I feel all day long, right from the time I wake up. I am constantly in fight mode. And if I can manage a few hours of flight it’s because I found the perfect pain-relieving cocktail that I took at the right moment that my body responds to it. This isn’t achievable most days. I can try the same concoction of things and I won’t respond the same way. In fact, it might just do nothing at all. But even if it did, it’s still a temporary band-aid. My body doesn’t have time and space to heal. It’s literally come to the end of its rope. And without the rope it can’t fly, so what’s going to happen?

What’s going to happen is that I’ve come to terms with that fact that I need to take time to learn how to fly again. I’ll start with a month (off of work, turns out I can’t just take off time from life) and go from there. I’ve been fighting it because it’s not easy financially and I needed support and validation that it was the right thing to do. In the end, the only validation I really need is the validation from myself, and what my body is telling me it needs. I need help, I need time, and I need space to heal. And that is okay.

It’s hard asking for help, but if anyone feels inclined to do so, here are some things:

• fresh fruits and veggies, clean and cut up, ready to eat (just makes it easier since I have a hard time being in the kitchen for long periods prepping food)

• vegan, gluten-free soups and salads (for myself to easily grab and eat) and/or meals that the rest of my family enjoys eating

• if you’d rather just do a food gift card: WYSIWIG, Neutral Groundz (they now have great lunch options), Indigo Organic, Grizzly’s (kids LOVE their chicken), Hy-Vee or Cub, DailyHarvest.com, ThriveMarket.com

• money sent to my Full Spectrum Float account – I need to keep floating, but cost will be challenging without my full income Info@FullSpectrumFloat.com (507)387-4538 (Luke, the owner, can assist you)

• Occasional playdates for the kids. Kindergarten is starting soon and I’m hoping that if I’m home resting all day I can save more energy to spend on them. But I know they love spending time with their friends too.

• Thoughts, prayers, love, support… all of it. Notes of encouragement.