Sunshine Journal

About three months ago I started working with a new therapist. She was highly recommended by my doctor... over two years ago. At the time I was already working with someone, but it was a somewhat different approach. I figured it was worth a try. Well, there was a waitlist. And in order to get on the waitlist you had to fill out the paperwork. I received said paperwork and then let it sit on my desk for awhile. Long enough to fall to the bottom of a pile. I eventually filled out this paperwork and mailed it in. They called and said the wait was a YEAR! Alrighty, folks. Just put me on the list. About 13-14 months after I got on that list the clinic called me and asked if I still wanted to see her. Yup! Let's do it! "Okay, ma'am, her next opening is in 3.5 months." Right, yup, sure, I might be delivering a baby, but just sign me up. I'll interject this story to add that my previous therapist, whom I came to adore, stopped doing therapy sessions this past Spring so sh...

Last night I was holding Otis getting ready to make him a bottle. I was being silly interacting with him and Ben says, "Have you had a drink?" (okay, I'm paraphrasing this convo because I can't remember word for word). I looked at him weird and said, "No, why?". He's like, "You're just being really goofy. Don't get me wrong, I like it." So I thought back on the previous few hours and said, "Oh! I had some ibuprofen." He goes, "That makes a lot of sense, you're not in so much pain, so you're being yourself." And then we laughed because it's true. For some reason this interaction really makes me smile. I could dwell on the part that I'm not always myself. But instead, I think of the glimpse we did see. When I have these moments it's so freeing. Enjoying myself, being in the moment without having to try. Pure magic. And now Ben knows that deep down his wife is still a weirdo ;) (note: ibuprofen doesn...

I’ve often wished I could be one of those people that was quick with words. Quicker with my thoughts. I’m not though. I’ve always had to have a patience with myself. And in turn people need to have a patience with me. I’ve lost count of the speeches I’ve gotten about needing to speak up more, share my thoughts, be more social, and so on. It takes me time to absorb what is happening and for my mind to funnel through it all. There are occasions when I don’t say something on my mind for fear of it sounding dumb. But more often than not I just haven’t concluded what I need to say yet. I’m not one to talk just to talk. Especially in a work environment. But I assure you, if I feel strongly enough about something, I will say it. In general conversation my comebacks sometimes come later after the conversation is done. So if you get a random message you know… a half hour later… you’re probably thinking, that was eons ago why are we coming back to it? Erm, just took my brain that long to process...

Before we begin… disclaimer: I’m not a health professional. This is just me sharing my journey and what I’ve learned along the way. Please always consult your own doctor. Everyone’s journey is their own. I’m always happy to share resources with people and be someone to journey together with! —————— So I've used the roller coaster analogy multiple times, because it's incredibly applicable. Get a little better, get worse, get a little better, go down a little bit, take a weird turn, go back up and feel some changes, and so on. But what's even more relevant is when you go down on the roller coaster and you get that 'Oh Shit!' look on your face. Now that. Is. Real. The highs and lows of the Ashlee Suker life --> Probably should be my bio title. I think I basically already summarized the last eight months of my life in roller coaster analogy. I was doing reasonably well for a bit there this spring, in Ashlee terms at least. This basically means that most days I experi...

I've tried writing this a few different times, in my head, in my phone, or on paper. It just never flowed quite right. And then I decided, who cares. I would just not write altogether, but then the thoughts would just keep rolling in my head and it's rather annoying. So I need to just do something and move on. I've written about mold illness before, but I'm not sure how many of you have read it or remember it. So we are going to refresh. Mold illness/toxicity is not an allergy to mold. Mycotoxins from mold build up in your body from exposure. This happens to everyone as mold happens everywhere and it's not always harmful. And for a majority of people their immune systems will respond, their antibodies will bind to the antigens and clear the toxins out of the body. Some of us aren't as fortunate. There is a gene called  HLA-DR that 24% of the population has that doesn't tag mold properly and therefore doesn't remove it from the body like it should. So it ...

This morning when I woke up I felt like I was radioactive. It's the most bizarre feeling. There is pain all over and you just feel like it's radiating and creating a glow all over your body. It's a bit paralyzing. I have to give mental pep talks and direction. Ashlee, you must roll over and get your CBD oil. Take the oil and lay there until you can move again. Seems so simple, yet in the moment it still takes me a few minutes to finally reach over. And then I just think... seriously, this is ridiculous. Are you imagining this? No. If you were imagining this you would just move. Isn't it fun talking to yourself? We can be so annoying. It's been a busy week. We started putting our house back together last Saturday. Thankful for those who showed up to help. Extra kudos to my mom, she has been our house project superhero! Love her to pieces! I did the best I could, but still wished I could have done more. Ben constantly tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it...

“How are you?” This is such a simple question that also can feel so loaded. How often do we just say “good” as a natural reaction? But honestly, I feel like I’m dying a slow, painful death. I don’t think that response is quite what people are anticipating to hear. You are all thinking a.) You’re being dramatic. B.) Are you seeing a therapist? C.) How in the world do I respond to that? D.) You look fine. Am I in the ballpark? So instead I say “I’m okay.” “I’m managing.” Or “Not great. But I’ll be fine.” These responses are also my way of opening the tear gates with someone who might not even care how I’m really doing. Now close your eyes and pretend you feel like you haven’t slept in days, someone took you out back and beat you up, clamps, belts, and ropes are tied tight around your limbs, weights are strapped to you, your neck is pinched, you have the constant urge to pee, you have a headache, and your stomach is in rotation of cramping, turning, and general pain. Now go to w...