hope.

hope
noun
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

When the world says, "give up". Hope whispers, "try it one more time".



The last two months have been a whirlwind. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling. But hey, we made it to spring and the sun is shining (sometimes)! I'm just going to jump right into the nitty gritty. The last post we left off with heavy metals and me having elevated levels of about 9 kinds. Soon after that I was tested for mycotoxins (mold). We discovered I have three types in my body that are at elevated levels. This isn't the same thing as a mold allergy. This is the kind of mold that has accumulated in your body over time or from an acute exposure. Mycotoxins are naturally occurring in many foods, which we all consume and get exposed to. It can also grow in homes from water damage or excess humidity. Again, there's always going to be some of this happening. But some people are just more prone to developing symptoms from it and don't naturally detox it from their body as well as others. Which is why it may only affect one person in the family. Most people associate mold with respiratory issues, but there can be more to it than that. The types I'm dealing with are associated with kidney issues, immune suppression, and neurological effects. We got our home tested to see if there is current exposure. The air levels within the two rooms tested were within range. Which is good obviously. We still took further steps and got an air purifier, which I'm now convinced everyone should just have one of these ... especially if you have allergies. And we are looking into ways to keep our house humidity levels in a better range to prevent mold from wanting to grow in the first place. So when was I exposed? Hard to say for sure. But I did work in a musky basement for a few years and we did have mold in our bathroom when we moved in. After living here for a year and a half we remodeled it and removed the growth that we found. This past summer we also replaced our 1970s shag carpet. Hopefully all of these steps will help in the healing process.

After we discovered I was dealing with mycotoxins we did further testing to find out exactly what in my body is really being affected by everything going on. There were markers for all sorts of things, but I'll highlight a few of them that are causing issues for me. Yeast is one, which can cause issues with digestion and detoxing (liver/kidney). It can also get into the bloodstream and cause pain and achiness in the body. The reason this happens is because it suppresses energy in the blood cells, affecting ATP (adenosine triphosphate) production. We know this is happening for me because my lactic acid levels are high and my pyruvate levels are low. So the lack of oxygen in my muscle cells are causing the pyruvate to ferment into lactate. When this happens it can cause aches and pains. This is a regular occurring process when people workout. When you're doing high intensity exercises you aren't getting enough oxygen to your cells, so for those short periods of time you're going to get a higher build up of lactic acid. This is what will leave you feeling sore during or after a workout. But you replenish your oxygen, the cycle goes back to normal and the burn goes away. Well, mine is just in a constant state of that because the yeast/toxins are stealing my oxygen. I'm not a biology expert so I hope I'm explaining this right or at least close to it. Yeast in the gut will also drive more bloating and cause inability to absorb and digest well. Mycotoxins will inhibit the susceptibility to yeast and fungus. Along with that I have genetic markers that indicate my body isn't able to breakdown the yeast properly, so I'm just more genetically susceptible to it. This also means the healing process will just take longer for me. I'll need to take the supplements for longer periods of time to help my body process everything. There are other factors that are disrupting my kreb cycle (citric acide cycle), but it gets complicated to explain, so I'll skip that. Neurotransmitters are made in the liver (not the brain, many come from amino acids), they are what make us feel happy, alive, etc. So the toxins in the liver and gut are creating a deficiency and imbalance of my neurotransmitters (GABA, serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, etc.). This is why diet can play such an important role in neurological diseases (depression, Parkinson's, MS, ADHD, Alzheimer's, autism, etc.). We get amino acids from our diet and the amino acids are synthesized into neurotransmitters. This is a very simple way of putting it obviously ;)

Since I'm dealing with so many different elements disrupting my system it doesn't matter how many vitamins or healthy foods I throw at it. The problem is still there and until it's out of my body it can't absorb those nutrients properly and put them to good use. For example, my Vitamin C is the lowest my doctor has ever seen from a patient. I take a supplementation of vitamin C and eat fruit everyday, but all of the inflammation is stealing it and it's not able to be used as it should. Our body is smart. It will continue to make workarounds until it can't anymore. So if I go to the doctor and do regular labs you probably aren't going to find much on the surface level, because my body has figured out a way to sustain the typical values someone is looking at. There will be a few things that will be slighted but no one will view it with concern. But it's a matter of time until things start crashing. So considering how awful I feel/felt everyday already, what would it be like once it stopped finding workarounds? I'm hoping I don't have to find out! So if you're struggling in anyway and nothing is popping up or you are dealing with something like mental health, allergies, chronic pain, an autoimmune disease, etc. ... I urge you to look deeper. Find the root cause of your issues. We can throw medications at it all day, but unless it's actually fixing the issue and not just easing your symptoms, you aren't going to heal. Sometimes a change in lifestyle goes a long way for people. I hoped it would for me, but it wasn't enough. It's a complete chain reaction. The metals, mold, yeast, parasites create imbalances and those imbalances impact the next thing and so on. Soon your hormones are a mess, your body can't process stress, it doesn't produce enough enzymes and your food isn't broken down properly, without proper food breakdown you aren't getting the nutrients you need to supply energy, your diet becomes limited because you can no longer break them down, and it goes on and on and on. Sounds exhausting, right? I'm exhausted.

So what are we doing about it? Well it's been quite the process. The good news is that now we have a better picture of everything. It took a bit longer to get here than we hoped, but it doesn't matter, because we're here. The good news is that the clinic I'm working with has now adjusted their consultation process to include a few more tests upfront for incoming patients. Testing gets so expensive and not always super accurate which is why they didn't do some of them initially. But because of people like me, they don't want to miss something important at the start and delay the healing. Since there are so many factors, we can't address all of them at one time. There's no way my body could handle it. This is why back in December and January we were just focusing on getting my diet straightened out and my cellular energy up as much as we could. Slow, is the best word to describe this process. My body can handle small doses of supplements and the increase is very slow. I'm currently working on the yeast, mycotoxins, and parasites. Metals will come later. When you have yeast and mycotoxins the body can't handle the heavy metal detoxing well. I experienced this and it wasn't good. Along with that we have to support my liver, kidneys, oxygen, food breakdown, and minerals. We need my organs to work as best they can to detox everything out of the body. The good news is that I'm handling the mycotoxin and yeast supplements well. The yeast tincture came with a lovely rash that lasted a few days. Thankfully it's a one time deal. I even had an uptick in energy last week for a couple days. It was very welcomed! The parasite supplements are a bear. They are all challenging. The one I'm currently on I can literally only handle one drop of the tincture a day. Every time I try to increase by a drop I feel like death. So now this next month he is going to have me try two medications for parasites. I just talked with another doctor at their office to walk through these medications and I'm absolutely terrified. The one good thing is that I will cycle it 7 days on, 7 days off. So I hope I get some relief in between. But work, how will I get through work and life? ugh. Life does not pause for you. Wouldn't that be dreamy if you could do that though? Just hit pause for a bit. My doctor has been so wonderful at trying to keep my regimen within reason. And anytime I have issues or questions he gets right back to me and we make adjustments. I do a weekly log so that he can stay on top of how things are going. It is also helpful for me to look from week to week and see what's better or worse. It fluctuates a lot. But one day I'm going to look back and think "oh ya, I forgot that I had issues with that!" (how Minnesotan was that oh ya? haha)

I've been back at work for two months now. It hasn't been an easy transition, but who doesn't love a good challenge? My disability claim was denied at the end of February and I was left in a pickle. I knew I wanted to appeal it, but was pretty sure work wasn't going to wait on that. So I decided to take a leap and hope for the best. It put me in a weird position and I was offered to work hourly and had to step down from my director role since I would be working part-time. Along with that I lost my health benefits, at least until I could work 30 hours a week. Everyone says, "well, what about your husband's insurance?". This would seem simple except that he has fantastic insurance for himself, but when you throw the rest of us on there it gets quite a bit more expensive. This is what happens when you're spoiled with a great insurance plan for over a decade. So we had to weigh our options between his insurance and COBRA. Ultimately the best solution was to keep me on COBRA and move the kids to his insurance. I had already met my deductible through my insurance so it would have cost much more for me to switch. So now we pay more than 4x the amount just for insurance. The amount of money I made in March barely covered my COBRA payment alone. It's a bit stressful to say the least. I'm encouraged to take care of myself and not overdo it, yet I feel this pressure and rush to get to 30 hours just so I can have insurance. At least in April I was able to increase my hours each week. And yes, at the end of the week I applaud myself for my accomplishments. Each week there's a finish line to get to and most weeks I collapse at that finish line. I try to keep Fridays as my sacred day. The day to just be me and feel how I feel for 8 hours between the kids leaving the house and me picking them up at the end of their day. The fun kicker is that my physical therapist moved farther away and I now drive to Chanhassen to see him. I can't do this every week, so I go every other... on Fridays. This will be temporary since I will soon need to work on Fridays to get my hours in. So why don't I find a new physical therapist? Have you ever done physical therapy? That person knows everything about you. You create a trusting relationship over time. My situation is incredibly complicated, as I've just entailed. It's taken us months just to figure out me and his approach is different than other therapists I've worked with. I think I'd rather quit than start over. I only have so much energy to give and I have to decide what the best way to use it is. It's far from a simple equation unfortunately. The energy supply is so precious and you can't squander it. Just think of a mother and her breast milk supply. How does she feel if someone spills one ounce of it? Anyhow, I'm still finding my balance through all of this since it's hard to predict what each day will bring. I still haven't quite found my groove at work. If I'm being honest, I feel like an outsider. It's weird coming back to something so familiar, yet it's different and I'm different. My responsibilities aren't the same, which is good and bad. Some of them I miss... just add it to the grief pile for now. I could go into all the emotions I feel about everything going on, but I won't. It will get much too long. For now, I embrace all of the moments. The great ones and even the okay ones. The bad ones I leave behind as best I can. They don't define me, but they've definitely helped shape me. I don't mean that in a negative way either. They help us grow and we learn from them. If anyone can relate to any of this and ever wants to chat, I'm here!

It probably doesn't sound like it, but I have made progress. Last week was one of the better ones and I got in 25 hours at work! The weather was beautiful and I got outside with the family in the evenings. I pick up my kids everyday, make them supper, read to them, play card games with them, and soak up as much of them as I can. They drain me too, but it's okay. Who doesn't love some good after school verbal abuse? That's what we're for sometimes... to be their safe space. Theodore is in spring soccer. It's a short season, so I thought it'd be a good test for us. It was scary for him at first but now he LOVES it! He will tell you this if you ask him. I also thoroughly enjoy watching him. He coined the phrase, "If you're going to do it, just do it". And this describes him to a T! haha Kindergarten is almost over, which I'm feeling a bit sad about. He had such a great year. His teacher was incredible and he grew so much... in maturity and knowledge. Last night he lost his 7th tooth and tonight his 8th! He decided he wanted the tooth fairy to come and pulled it right out. Well okay then.. "If you're going to do it, just do it"! Violet is just... Violet. I feel like you just have to know her to know. How's that for a description? 4 looks good on her. She says some of the best things. Yesterday it was, "Mom, I'm so happy you're back at work." me: "why's that?" Violet: "because your work is so fun and it looks really cool"  She has incredible fashion sense. It's eclectic in the best way. I admire how she just owns it. She's a princess that plays in the dirt. She adores her baby cousin and can be so motherly. But she will draw the line with Theodore. In that relationship she will be the one who is taken care of!

I appreciate the continued support and prayers from everyone. Sometimes I get to the end of the day and I'm honestly not sure how I did it. On the hard days I just focus on the next day being a new day. Or sometimes even the next hour being a new hour. You just never know! I'm sure Ben can attest to that. He probably thinks.. but wait.. weren't you just dying on the couch a half hour ago? Yes, yes I was, but I decided I'm not going to die today ;)

With love,
Ashlee

PS the float place in town closed a few weeks ago and I'm still sad about it.

An interesting article on allergies: https://microbeformulas.com/blogs/microbe-formulas/dont-let-allergies-drain-you

Feel free to support my fabulous husband and his photo biz! Family photos, senior photos, events, landscape commissions... you name it. https://www.bnorthphotography.com/