Beauty in the Journey

I’ve learned a lot so far in this life of mine. I can’t even imagine what another decade will teach me. Often in our lives there is so much going on around us and we busy ourselves to exhaustion. And then we have those moments where we stop and breathe it all in. And it’s truly beautiful. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently were all the signs along the way about my health and how my knowledge now could have helped the Ashlee then. But that’s not how it works. I can’t go back and tell the Ashlee going through infertility that she should stop and see if there’s something else going on. That her body is signaling that it doesn’t want to get pregnant because it probably isn’t in a healthy spot to do so. It was telling me that maybe I should investigate more. But the heart wants what it wants. And at that time it was to build a family.

Because of my journey through infertility I learned so much. I had an experience that helped me relate to so many others in the world. It opened my eyes to others that struggle with building a family. Ben and I’s relationship grew stronger than ever through that journey. It was so raw and real. It was our first experience in “through sickness and in health” and what that vow meant. I always knew he had my back, but that journey created an even stronger bond. We had to be open to humility and just laugh sometimes. I look back on the moments fonder now than I did in the moment. Because they are OUR memories. Things like how he “got to” administer shots in my butt cheek, making an emergency trip to Shakopee for a prescription, staying in a super weird hotel the night before a procedure, talking about the sperm collection room, all the waiting room chats and drives together, and the list goes on…  If it weren’t for that journey we probably wouldn’t have Mowgli. There were baby kittens at work one day and I decided I had to have one. I thought it would fill my void while we were on a break from trying. She ruined a lot of furniture, but we love her so. It provided entertainment and comic relief. So in a way she did help fill the void. She just didn’t make the desire to have a child go away. And even in the hard times that I still remember vividly, it was okay, because Ben was there. One day I watched a movie by myself… some chick flick… except it ended tragically! I was SO PISSED. And Ben had no idea what he had walked into. I cried and cried and cried. We took turns having bad days. When he was down I’d pick myself up and take the supporting role.

I also experienced what it was to have a true support system from friends and family. They were there for me to catch the tears and cheer for the successes. They’d send flowers, cards, and give hugs when needed. They brought food, helped clean my house, kept me from hibernating, and one special person even offered to be a surrogate for me. Having been on both sides of this throughout my life I know that the simplest gesture can sometimes mean the most to someone else and vice versa. Someone taking the time to tell me their story and letting me know that it just sucks and it’s okay to just to be sad about it can make a bigger impact than one would think. I had this happen then and I still have this happen now, it’s comforting and shows people care. I had a college roommate that went through some really hard times while we lived together. I tried my best to be right there with her and support her the best I knew how. I don’t know how much of an impact I made on her, but I do know that those experiences greatly impacted me. We don’t connect with each other much now, but I will forever feel a special connection with her because of those times.

We are different parents because of the trials of infertility. The highs felt that much higher and the lows weren’t low because we were just so grateful to have what we had. Theodore was a true gift and miracle in our eyes. And any obstacle during pregnancy couldn’t take me down. I had more maternity clothes than the average woman, because I was going to just live it up and cherish it all. I took weekly photos, I journaled about every week’s events, I read about what fruit or vegetable I was carrying that week, my mom made buying a crib a full day event, and so on. The whole thing was beautiful to me. Even my fat feet!

After I had Theodore and got home… I mourned not being pregnant. I was so sad about it. It’s the weirdest experience. I got what I wanted,  he was finally in my arms, but I was sad my big belly was gone! Thankfully that sadness didn’t last too long and I was able to enjoy all the first days. Post-partum didn’t hit me hard and for that I was grateful. It was easy for me to find beauty in all the moments of taking care of a little one. I know for some this isn’t always the case. But I truly loved the baby stage… and all the stages that I’ve experienced since. For every challenge there is a joy to counteract it. Think of those moments when your child is screaming their head off and you kind of want to pull your hair out. But you take a deep breathe and think of all the possible things they might want. And you figure it out and they calm down. You are victorious and baby is now sleeping or smiling or just content… and it’s so beautiful. And now you all think I’m crazy! But seriously, next time your child or niece or nephew or student or friend is having a fit and you get through it. Take a moment to stop and take it in.

As I write this I can’t help but think of those who want to be a parent, but aren’t. And how much it hurts. And how I wish I had this fabulous advice to give… but I don’t. It sucks and just know you aren’t alone. You feel alone, but you aren’t. I hope you have someone at your side like I did so you can carry each other through the hard days.

By the time Theodore was 6 months my gut was a mess and I was miserable. I remember picking him up from daycare and praying that he would be content until Ben got home. I’d just lay on the living room floor exhausted and uncomfortable. I’m not sure what the beauty in that was. Maybe it was my beautiful green carpet! haha. I went to the GI doctor and he had me start taking Miralax and Metamucil everyday. And it worked. It got me through. Then a few months after that my bladder was terrible, I constantly felt like I had a UTI. So then I saw a urologist, tried a medication and it didn’t work. Well it just made my stomach worse which therefore meant it just wasn’t going to work for me. There was talk of burning nerve endings and that sounded like a bad idea. So I researched and eliminated things from my diet. That helped and I managed. These are the stepping stones of me learning to listen to myself and my body. For the first time I started to be more in tune.

Next stop on the beauty journey was Violet, our unexpected miracle baby. She is always surprising us, so this seems fitting. She keeps us on our toes and nothing she does is expected. Every time I think she will do a certain thing she proves me wrong and does something else. The first year as a mom of two was unbelievable. Filled with so much joy! There were obviously trials, but like I said before, they were balanced with good moments.

Just over a year after Violet, dad passed. It was the most heartbreaking, yet beautiful experience I’ve ever had in my life. That sounds bizarre, I know. But if you witness the outpouring love of family and friends all together in a hospital, you will know just what I mean. I could go on and on about the special moments in those days that I hold close to my heart. And all of the days to follow there continue to be sparks of things that keep dad close to me. You don’t always know in the moment what will continue to follow you later in life. It can be the simplest thing that becomes the most grand.

From that point on there have been many hurdles to overcome. The beautiful thing that stands out the most in the past few years is the people I’ve met. I’ve met some of the most wonderful, caring people that have stuck with me on this journey. And yes, some of these people I pay to care for me. But I’ve paid many people before that haven’t given me the care that these people have. You can tell that they truly do care about my wellbeing. And then there’s the people that I already knew that have really reached out to help. It’s not always the ones you expect. In fact, sometimes the ones you expect are the ones who don’t. But everyone has their own battles going on in their lives. Many times we don’t know about them, because we’re good at keeping them to ourselves and putting on a good face. It’s more fun to talk about the good things than the bad. I’ve been forced to slow down, which in ways can be a good thing. This past Christmas I watched a lot more Hallmark movies than I have before. Not being able to do it all made me sit and take in all my surroundings and to just be. I’ve taken time to read more books. Rather than laying around feeling sad for myself I find things to occupy my mind and bring me joy. I really do appreciate all of you that have stuck with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. You keep me whole and help me stay grounded. You make me laugh and keep my rays bright. I wouldn’t be me without all of you.

Some of this may sound like I always have my head on straight, but that would be a lie. I work hard to see the beauty and some days I don’t see it at all. But I’ve made a promise to myself to always be open.

Keep fighting the ugly and remain open to the beauty.

XOXO

-ash