This is hard.

This is hard.

There isn’t a written manual for life. I suppose there are some available, but every situation is so unique that there isn’t a specific guide for each of is. We have to figure that out on our own. There are similar situations and ways to relate to each other to help us all through it. And some kindred spirits that have a special way of supporting people even if they aren’t in their shoes. But sometimes, it’s still not enough. You know how you can always say to yourself that someone is worse off than you so we should count our blessings? That is true. But it also doesn’t mean that whatever each of us is going through isn’t significant or hard. And I think all of us sometimes just need validation of that. That is what therapists do. They listen and help validate how you’re feeling. And it feels so good.

I read a story this morning in the news about a woman who lost her entire family in a duck boat accident. I almost cried. I probably should have just cried. It was the saddest story. And not only did she lose her immediate family, but also some of her extended family. I just cannot even imagine. How do you move on from something like that? It’s moments like these that I sit back and do count my blessings. And sometimes feel crappy for feeling crappy about my situation. But then my reality sets back in and I’m reminded that sometimes it’s still just really hard. Even if it’s not as hard as what that woman is dealing with, doesn’t mean that it’s not hard. As a society we’re always comparing ourselves to each other. It’s just difficult not to sometimes. We often correlate this with comparing looks or parenting, but it happens in these situations too.

The one thing I’ve noticed throughout this is that my heart still aches for so many other people. I realize this statement sounds weird. I just thought that maybe when you’re dealing with a lot you wouldn’t have capacity to focus much on anyone else. I still always feel inclined to want to help in some way or another. I don’t always succeed in being able to help how I want to, but they’re on my mind often. I battle a lot with how to share information I’ve learned. Whether or not it’s appropriate to share or if they’ll care what I have to say. Sometimes I have to separate myself from that thinking and just share it. Let that person decide if they want to do anything with that information. This little thought always pops in and bugs me though and says… “Why in the world would they listen to you. You haven’t succeeded in fixing your health yet.” I just always hope that someone else’s situation is more straightforward and an easier fix. What works for one person doesn’t always work for the other and vice versa. All we can do is try. I know for certain that I’ve learned so much and have gone down different paths because I had people willing to share their information with me. And that has led me to so many wonderful things!

Over two weeks ago I started a new protocol, which I mentioned in my last post. The day I started I could tell things seemed extra off with how I was feeling. Sure enough I caught the awesome summer cold that’s been going around. So I had to stop the supplements for a few days to let my body try and work through that. It took me down hard! For everyone else out there that has had it or is going through it now, I feel for you. Anyhow, I jumped back into the protocol after a little break. I decided to go into it at a lower dose and ease into it more. I have a tendency to want to just dive in. Just about every time I do this it fails though. The first few days were rough. I was so bloated and just felt all around crummy. This was obviously a mixture of just everything and likely not just that. I’m in over a week now and need to move up another dose. But as my subject line states, it’s hard. I have to push through this to get better (or at least I hope that’s the result). I think that’s the other issue I’m dealing with. Will this work? I’m trying so hard to stay optimistic. But I’ve done so many things now and with that, failed so many times. But the alternative is to just stay sick. So I might as well be sick but actively trying to fix it. The good news is that I’ve found a Facebook group with lots of people doing the same thing I’m doing. This has helped a lot. People are so supportive of each other. And though people have different experiences there are plenty that have experience similar things and able to help others. And the best part… it’s been successful for so many people. So that is encouraging. Over the last year I’ve been in a few other groups to find support and just haven’t quite found the right fit. They’ve honestly had the opposite affect. They bring me down. It’s weird how that is. You’d think finding people going through what you’re going through would be helpful. But sometimes it isn’t. I think the difference with this one is that we’re all doing the same program and actively trying to get better. And it’s not that people aren’t trying to do that in other groups, but it just feels different.

It’s hard not to lose yourself when going through life challenges. This goes for anyone going through anything… career change, moving house, having a child, having a child go off to college, illness, divorce, diet change, becoming sober, and just any life changing event. It’s hard to accept that we are going to lose things we loved about ourselves and that will ultimately change us, especially when we feel like it wasn’t our choice. Some changes happen quickly and others are more gradual. And on top of us mourning our losses, there are others doing the same with who we’ve become. This means that some people are going to stick with you and be there for you no matter what. And there are others who won’t. It’s not always deliberate. In fact, I think sometimes people don’t even realize they’re doing it. It’s just a natural and slow separation. So now we’re sad about our life that is now different and the people around us that are different. Whether I like it or not, I’m going to be a different person now and a different person at the end of this. There are going to be aspects that are better and some that are probably worse. Or maybe it’s not even worse, but just different. I’m stubborn though and have been clinging to as much as I can. Would it be healthier to just let go? Possibly. Like that gym membership. Cancelling my gym membership to me feels like I’ve given up. But if it’s there and paid for it’s a goal to get back to it. Because I’m bound and determined to! A lot of these things don’t make sense to other people. It seems so clear and simple to them. Like giving away baby clothes. To one person it’s liberating. To the other person it’s absolutely devastating. That’s me. I’m the latter one. Another thing that bums me out is not being able to donate blood. There is a blood shortage right now and the Red Cross calls and reminds me multiple times a week. And it makes me feel like a terrible person. But even if I was fortunate to have a good day and pass the hemoglobin test, I’m not sure that removing a pint of blood from my body is a good idea right now. And I always miss their phone calls, so I haven’t been able to just tell them that. There’s probably a way I could tell them to temporarily leave me alone. And I could research this, but I haven’t. So if someone who is reading this knows how to temporarily get me off the list, please instruct me how.

Here is a current list of things that I miss (in no particular order):

• Being an awesome mom. I mean the mom that goes outside and plays with her kids. Takes them for walks to the park and so on. This has nothing to do with feeling like I have to do these things. These are things that I love doing with them. And now these things happen more seldom. Basically, I just want to go and do things with them without having to think about whether or not I can handle it that day.

• Working out (and dancing). In the past few years I’ve come to love working out. It relieves stress and just makes me feel better and stronger. Even just being able to walk more than a mile would feel good at this point. And yes, there are a few more things I could do besides walking, but I want to be able to do all of it. Honestly, even talking myself into walking is harder than it should be. But most of the time I know it’s just something I have to do. Some days going for a walk sits right and other days it’s a bad idea and I pay for it after.

• Being more flexible with my diet. I mean I’m all for eating healthy. But being so restricted and then paying for any wavering I do later is frustrating. I could write a whole post about food frustration. I think I might do that at some point.

• Being naturally happy. That seriously never used to be an issue for me. I didn’t have to work at it so hard.

• I’m not sure how to say this in a simple phrase. But just having an easier time at work. It’s such a struggle to get through the day. And I love what I do, so it’s frustrating for me.

• Being a great wife. The wife that goes on all the family outings, is able to keep up with the house, helps with projects, is fun to be around, and so on. Again, these are things I love doing. Not some ideal pedestal type situation. Ben and I have always been a great project team, party hosting team, fun parent team, etc. That’s what I love about us… Is when we’re like that mushy husband and wife team that some people roll their eyes at.

• Wearing heals, using my standing desk, physically being able to help people, volunteering, trying new recipes, hanging out with friends more often, and this could get ridiculously long, so I’m going to stop.

The good news is that if I do get better… a lot of these things I can do again. And there’s a chance that some of these things will no longer be as important to me. That will have to be okay too.