Hate is a strong word.
Hate is a strong word.
I truly don't feel that strongly about most things to say I hate something. If I say it I'll usually back down and say eh I dislike it. But I think I've come to terms with hating how I feel most of the time lately. On the bad days anyhow. The other days I think... this sucks, but it's going to be fine.
Besides everything, work has been my biggest challenge. Because you're required to work 40 hours and get your crap done. It's not forgiving like house work, extracurricular activities, and my family. My work does have options for people in my situation, but they all involve making less money (obviously). And I feel like I'm barely getting by with all my expenses now. And I already carry too much guilt for the financial help I've been given so far. Though very fortunate and grateful!
I could do it and commit to a super strict budget and cut things out. But it's like a restricted diet. It sometimes just makes everything that much more stressful and therefore not helpful. I know there are things I could be better about though. I still donate money when people ask for it. I still bought a shirt and dress on clearance the other day. And while on vacation I bought the kids puzzles and swim goggles like it was someone's birthday. These things usually happen because I feel crappy and sad and momentarily purchases make me happy. The kids loved the puzzles and the goggles though. Violet has been wearing the goggles daily. And when I brought the stuff home Violet told me at least twenty times that she loved it and thanked me so much with a glowing smile. And I can sit on the floor and do the puzzles with them. Theodore has also been doing a Kindergarten workbook while on vacation that grandma bought him. He loves when I sit with him and read him the directions. And I beam with pride at how much he knows. Their little minds always amaze me.
Two weeks ago I told myself to get through one more week of work and a week of vacation to see how I was doing and make a decision about work. And I'm still left undecided. Because I always convince myself to just keep going and keep trying and things will get better. But that hasn't worked yet, so maybe something needs to change. But then I wonder if it's good for me to push through and keep routine. But even without work I still have plenty of things to motivate me. Priority number one... improving my health. And obviously being a mom and wife. So would just a decrease in schedule help? I've tried that and it wasn't as beneficial as I had hoped. This was partially due to my workload (too much for the hours I was working) and I often filled my time with appointments. I'd have to make it different this time somehow. One thing that's certain is I need to just own my decision and be content with the fact that I'm doing it for myself and not worry about everyone else. But I always worry about everyone else and it doesn't seem to have an "off" switch.
My naturopath recently emailed me and asked for an update on how things were going with the protocol and how I was feeling. I was honest with her but also probably said like three times that maybe things will mellow out soon and it will be fine. Despite that she still seemed alarmed and wanted to know if I've been checking in with my primary doctor or gone to the GI yet. I was totally caught off guard... like what? We're doing this protocol, why would I need to do that? I knew things weren't going to magically get better at the start. It takes months. But then her concern made me kind of concerned. Though I'm not entirely sure what the doctors are going to do with me? But I called anyhow, because at least insurance covers it. And.... I couldn't get in until the end of September with both doctors. So I guess that's that. My naturopath asked if I'd want to do hydrotherapy again. I had asked her about doing this a few months ago since it worked so well the first time. (Yes, at one point something did work and my gut functioned normally for a short window of time.) But again, I was like mmm I don't have the money for that right now. She said Ben could probably manage doing it at home for me. It involves hot and cold towels. So we could, but I still need to ask him and convince him to help :) Beyond that I just suggested in the meantime we check blood levels of everything again to ease minds.
For now I will get back to floating and hope it makes all the difference. Things will figure themselves out. They always seem to one way or another.
I truly don't feel that strongly about most things to say I hate something. If I say it I'll usually back down and say eh I dislike it. But I think I've come to terms with hating how I feel most of the time lately. On the bad days anyhow. The other days I think... this sucks, but it's going to be fine.
Besides everything, work has been my biggest challenge. Because you're required to work 40 hours and get your crap done. It's not forgiving like house work, extracurricular activities, and my family. My work does have options for people in my situation, but they all involve making less money (obviously). And I feel like I'm barely getting by with all my expenses now. And I already carry too much guilt for the financial help I've been given so far. Though very fortunate and grateful!
I could do it and commit to a super strict budget and cut things out. But it's like a restricted diet. It sometimes just makes everything that much more stressful and therefore not helpful. I know there are things I could be better about though. I still donate money when people ask for it. I still bought a shirt and dress on clearance the other day. And while on vacation I bought the kids puzzles and swim goggles like it was someone's birthday. These things usually happen because I feel crappy and sad and momentarily purchases make me happy. The kids loved the puzzles and the goggles though. Violet has been wearing the goggles daily. And when I brought the stuff home Violet told me at least twenty times that she loved it and thanked me so much with a glowing smile. And I can sit on the floor and do the puzzles with them. Theodore has also been doing a Kindergarten workbook while on vacation that grandma bought him. He loves when I sit with him and read him the directions. And I beam with pride at how much he knows. Their little minds always amaze me.
Two weeks ago I told myself to get through one more week of work and a week of vacation to see how I was doing and make a decision about work. And I'm still left undecided. Because I always convince myself to just keep going and keep trying and things will get better. But that hasn't worked yet, so maybe something needs to change. But then I wonder if it's good for me to push through and keep routine. But even without work I still have plenty of things to motivate me. Priority number one... improving my health. And obviously being a mom and wife. So would just a decrease in schedule help? I've tried that and it wasn't as beneficial as I had hoped. This was partially due to my workload (too much for the hours I was working) and I often filled my time with appointments. I'd have to make it different this time somehow. One thing that's certain is I need to just own my decision and be content with the fact that I'm doing it for myself and not worry about everyone else. But I always worry about everyone else and it doesn't seem to have an "off" switch.
My naturopath recently emailed me and asked for an update on how things were going with the protocol and how I was feeling. I was honest with her but also probably said like three times that maybe things will mellow out soon and it will be fine. Despite that she still seemed alarmed and wanted to know if I've been checking in with my primary doctor or gone to the GI yet. I was totally caught off guard... like what? We're doing this protocol, why would I need to do that? I knew things weren't going to magically get better at the start. It takes months. But then her concern made me kind of concerned. Though I'm not entirely sure what the doctors are going to do with me? But I called anyhow, because at least insurance covers it. And.... I couldn't get in until the end of September with both doctors. So I guess that's that. My naturopath asked if I'd want to do hydrotherapy again. I had asked her about doing this a few months ago since it worked so well the first time. (Yes, at one point something did work and my gut functioned normally for a short window of time.) But again, I was like mmm I don't have the money for that right now. She said Ben could probably manage doing it at home for me. It involves hot and cold towels. So we could, but I still need to ask him and convince him to help :) Beyond that I just suggested in the meantime we check blood levels of everything again to ease minds.
For now I will get back to floating and hope it makes all the difference. Things will figure themselves out. They always seem to one way or another.
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