I'm meant to be here.

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Originally I was going to write a post entitled "Breathing but not alive". And that is a slightly depressing title. But there was a reason for it and still something that I'll probably share at some point. Later on in the day after my mind had calmed itself, I was brought back to an event earlier this week that struck a cord with me. And I thought more about it and how it made me feel.

The other night I was driving down to go float. As I did I was thinking about how tired I was and sometimes when driving through town I'm with it and paying attention yet once I get where I'm going I hardly remember how I got there. It's weird. Anyhow, the light turned green and I started to pull out to turn left but looked to my left again as I was doing so. As I looked I saw this car going at regular speed with no intentions of stopping. He ran right through the red light. I slammed on my breaks just in time to not get completely annihilated. All the onlookers honked their horns at the guy. I took a deep breath and kept going. I thanked the Lord for protecting me in that moment and was definitely shaken up by the event. Right after this it felt like a sign to me. A sign that I am meant to be here. A sign to keep fighting. I could have easily just casually made my left turn without hesitation since the light was green... but I didn't. You could believe it was all a grand coincidence. But I choose to believe someone was looking out for me and wanted me to know... that I'm meant to be here.

This may seem like an odd thing to think in the first place. Why would I think I'm not meant to be here? It's because it's a hard fight. And some days, I don't want to fight anymore. And you just wonder if it will always be this way. Do I need to provide more acceptance for the way things are. What is my path. What am I doing. It's not even a question of not living, but just what the path of living is. And for whatever reason that weird thing that happened on that day that happens all the time for people, signaled to me that I need to keep going and this isn't my forever. I shouldn't accept it. I should only accept that I won't quit.

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