out of control.
Remember in my last blog post how I mentioned letting go. Well, that seems to be something I have to constantly remind myself lately. No one likes to feel like they aren't in control. It's why sometimes we develop hobbies or create weird habits in times of stress. We need to feel in control of something.
As you may have already guessed, insurance still hasn't given an answer on my claim. Originally I had though that my doctor could return me to work even if the claim was still being processed. Well, that is no longer the case. So now I'm ready to go back to work, but I can't. They want an answer on my claim first. Sure, it might sound like a nice extended vacation then, but it's not. Expenses continue to add up and I have no income coming in. It's scary. And at some point we aren't going to have enough hugs to give my mom in return for her financial help. Also, it doesn't feel good to have to rely on other people to help you pay bills. I want to do it myself. HR is seeking another round of PTO donations. I was so fortunate the first time around, I'm not sure that generosity will stick for a second time. Plus, I feel this extra guilt now because I could at least be working a few hours.
The good news is that this past week I felt the best I've felt in a very long time. The days didn't come without challenges and wishing away exhaustion and pain. But there were these glorious moments each day where I felt a sense of "normal". It was a normal where I wasn't distracted by how I was feeling. It was so beautiful. And when you strike that gold a few days in a row you feel like the whole world is at your fingertips and you can twirl and sing and dance in it. Okay, so I actually didn't do any dancing. But I tried to get on my rebounder each day and I maybe possible threw some dance-like moves in between my jumping. I still had a hard crash each day by early afternoon. But it confirmed my theory that working my half day in the morning should be doable. I tried to busy myself during those hours to prep for when I do get back to work.
The sense of fear and loss of control still haunts me each day. And then I fight back with a chant proclaiming that things will work out how they're supposed to and I just need to be patient. Maybe there's a reason it's working out the way it's working out. One thing that is definitely true is if I had gone back the week of the 4th like I intended, I definitely would have struggled. It was a rough week. But I know I still would have pushed through and did it. So maybe it's an aggravating way to force me to take more time and be fully ready. I've always just known I probably wouldn't ever be fully ready, so I was willing to just force it a bit and try my best. But I guess that's not God's plan! The fear comes in with all the what ifs. What if they deny my claim? Can I still get back to work? Will work allow me to transition slowly still? Will my job be protected? Will they demote me? Will they fire me? Can I appeal my claim if it's denied? Will that then take several more months? Just so many questions and what ifs...
Hopefully this week is an indication that things are starting to come together for my health. One thing that was different was a few supplements I added in. I know, the amount of stuff I take is insane and it's insane to add more. But when you're feeling so awful, you try anything. Someone had mentioned this site in a FB group I'm in. So I thought about it and reread the website and people's comments multiple times before finally just pulling the trigger and ordering some. I wanted something to help with energy and balance my mood. Remember the anger bursts? Ya, I didn't want those anymore. I knew if I could just boost my energy and get a clearer head that things wouldn't be as challenging. When you don't feel weighed down by a fog in your head it's a lot easier to overcome all the other challenges. So I started with the Loving Energy a week and a half ago. It wasn't quite doing the trick. Then I added in Mind Zeal and that really made the difference. I recently found out that I have higher levels of lead in my body. A few other metals were higher than they should be, but this was the most dominant one. We always knew we would address metals at some point in my protocol. But it's not the first thing you tackle. There's a process that one must follow in this healing journey. I've explained this before in prior posts, drainage is always first. If your lymphatic system, liver/kidneys, and digestion aren't working properly you're going to have serious issues if you're trying to rid your body of anything. The heavy metals aren't the only issue I'm dealing with obviously. But it's definitely not helping. Symptoms that occur with higher levels of lead are constipation, abdominal pain, anemia, fatigue, myalgia, irritability, loss of appetite, headaches, poor concentration, and mood disorders. These are all symptoms I experience regularly. It can also affect reproduction, so if someone is dealing with miscarriages, stillbirths, or low sperm count, maybe check into this. I am working on getting our water tested to see if it's coming from our pipes. Not sure what we'll do if that is the case, but we need to address the source so we aren't exposed to it. Especially the kids since they are affected more greatly if levels get too high. Metals build up over time, so it's gradual. Ben is getting tested too, so we can compare. Anyhow, long story short, the Mind Zeal has some metal detoxing herbs in it. So maybe that's why it has a greater effect? Or maybe it has nothing to do with those supplements and things are coming around from everything else I'm doing. One will never truly know and I can waste all sorts of time analyzing.
Maybe this week will be my week to get an answer? Or maybe it won't? Either way, it's out of my control and I will keep focusing on what I can control. I will keep working on building up my endurance and stamina, both mentally and physically. And I'm excited to keep moving forward and make even more progress. I will take baby steps over falling backwards any day! I have another appointment coming up in a week and a half and will get an updated blood panel to see where things are at.
Thanks for reading. Love you all!
Ashlee
As you may have already guessed, insurance still hasn't given an answer on my claim. Originally I had though that my doctor could return me to work even if the claim was still being processed. Well, that is no longer the case. So now I'm ready to go back to work, but I can't. They want an answer on my claim first. Sure, it might sound like a nice extended vacation then, but it's not. Expenses continue to add up and I have no income coming in. It's scary. And at some point we aren't going to have enough hugs to give my mom in return for her financial help. Also, it doesn't feel good to have to rely on other people to help you pay bills. I want to do it myself. HR is seeking another round of PTO donations. I was so fortunate the first time around, I'm not sure that generosity will stick for a second time. Plus, I feel this extra guilt now because I could at least be working a few hours.
The good news is that this past week I felt the best I've felt in a very long time. The days didn't come without challenges and wishing away exhaustion and pain. But there were these glorious moments each day where I felt a sense of "normal". It was a normal where I wasn't distracted by how I was feeling. It was so beautiful. And when you strike that gold a few days in a row you feel like the whole world is at your fingertips and you can twirl and sing and dance in it. Okay, so I actually didn't do any dancing. But I tried to get on my rebounder each day and I maybe possible threw some dance-like moves in between my jumping. I still had a hard crash each day by early afternoon. But it confirmed my theory that working my half day in the morning should be doable. I tried to busy myself during those hours to prep for when I do get back to work.
The sense of fear and loss of control still haunts me each day. And then I fight back with a chant proclaiming that things will work out how they're supposed to and I just need to be patient. Maybe there's a reason it's working out the way it's working out. One thing that is definitely true is if I had gone back the week of the 4th like I intended, I definitely would have struggled. It was a rough week. But I know I still would have pushed through and did it. So maybe it's an aggravating way to force me to take more time and be fully ready. I've always just known I probably wouldn't ever be fully ready, so I was willing to just force it a bit and try my best. But I guess that's not God's plan! The fear comes in with all the what ifs. What if they deny my claim? Can I still get back to work? Will work allow me to transition slowly still? Will my job be protected? Will they demote me? Will they fire me? Can I appeal my claim if it's denied? Will that then take several more months? Just so many questions and what ifs...
Hopefully this week is an indication that things are starting to come together for my health. One thing that was different was a few supplements I added in. I know, the amount of stuff I take is insane and it's insane to add more. But when you're feeling so awful, you try anything. Someone had mentioned this site in a FB group I'm in. So I thought about it and reread the website and people's comments multiple times before finally just pulling the trigger and ordering some. I wanted something to help with energy and balance my mood. Remember the anger bursts? Ya, I didn't want those anymore. I knew if I could just boost my energy and get a clearer head that things wouldn't be as challenging. When you don't feel weighed down by a fog in your head it's a lot easier to overcome all the other challenges. So I started with the Loving Energy a week and a half ago. It wasn't quite doing the trick. Then I added in Mind Zeal and that really made the difference. I recently found out that I have higher levels of lead in my body. A few other metals were higher than they should be, but this was the most dominant one. We always knew we would address metals at some point in my protocol. But it's not the first thing you tackle. There's a process that one must follow in this healing journey. I've explained this before in prior posts, drainage is always first. If your lymphatic system, liver/kidneys, and digestion aren't working properly you're going to have serious issues if you're trying to rid your body of anything. The heavy metals aren't the only issue I'm dealing with obviously. But it's definitely not helping. Symptoms that occur with higher levels of lead are constipation, abdominal pain, anemia, fatigue, myalgia, irritability, loss of appetite, headaches, poor concentration, and mood disorders. These are all symptoms I experience regularly. It can also affect reproduction, so if someone is dealing with miscarriages, stillbirths, or low sperm count, maybe check into this. I am working on getting our water tested to see if it's coming from our pipes. Not sure what we'll do if that is the case, but we need to address the source so we aren't exposed to it. Especially the kids since they are affected more greatly if levels get too high. Metals build up over time, so it's gradual. Ben is getting tested too, so we can compare. Anyhow, long story short, the Mind Zeal has some metal detoxing herbs in it. So maybe that's why it has a greater effect? Or maybe it has nothing to do with those supplements and things are coming around from everything else I'm doing. One will never truly know and I can waste all sorts of time analyzing.
Maybe this week will be my week to get an answer? Or maybe it won't? Either way, it's out of my control and I will keep focusing on what I can control. I will keep working on building up my endurance and stamina, both mentally and physically. And I'm excited to keep moving forward and make even more progress. I will take baby steps over falling backwards any day! I have another appointment coming up in a week and a half and will get an updated blood panel to see where things are at.
Thanks for reading. Love you all!
Ashlee
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