the journey continues.
Life doesn't always seem to have rhyme or reason. We can try our best to steer it in the right direction, but sometimes we need to let go and sit in the passenger seat. It's a challenge for most, especially those of us who are Type A. Everything should go a certain way and we want to plan it. Though I've never been much of a long-term planner. The future to me is unknown and we'll just see what it brings when we get there. Surprisingly, I actually like surprises even though I'm a bit type A. It's the next day or next week planning that I like to know in advance if possible. And mostly, I wish I could know how I will feel during those times... so I can plan ;) Life doesn't work that way though. Just yesterday I was having some inner dialogue with myself (okay, so this is everyday since I'm alone a lot), but there are moments where it's really apparent that I need to just let go, and let God.
I've been mentally and physically prepping myself to transition back into work. Even if it's just for a few hours a few times a week. I've been on unpaid leave since November 28. I got some PTO donations in December to help me get through which was a huge blessing. But right now we are just living off of Ben's income. It's insanely stressful. My claim for long-term disability is still being reviewed. We had hoped that would have been resolved closer to the start of the year, but that didn't happen and we're still waiting. That whole ordeal in itself has been stressful. Communication has been challenging and there's been a lot of waiting. So as you can imagine I'm feeling a push to get back to work to help make ends meet. So I could have my doctor fill out a return to work release or wait for the claim to get sorted out and transition once that happens. Everytime I talk to them it's "two more days". So I've been holding out. But then there's the other issue, "Am I ready?" Depends on the day.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was on the elemental diet trying to get my gut to a more stable place. Wow, what a pickle that was. I was reflecting yesterday on where I was just a month ago. The elemental diet helped my gut to feel better but it was causing me a lot of physical pain and bladder pain. So as you can imagine, I was looking forward to getting off of it. I was supposed to do it for 21 days, but on day 18 I said, "I'm done! I can't do this anymore!". If only it was that simple. I stopped taking it only to have my gut completely rebound. I couldn't eat anything without feeling sick. I was absolutely miserable. So we decided that I needed to still take one or two shakes of Elemental diet a day temporarily to help me get through and be able to eat. Along with that I was taking a ton of supplements before and after meals just to help break down anything I was eating. Keep in mind that most of my meals were already pureed and the ingredients were minimal. My nutritionist had another doctor friend who has her own whole food supplement line. She wanted me to chat with her to see if she could help. I honestly was so overwhelmed and frustrated that at first I just didn't want to complicate things. But quickly came to the realization that I needed any help I could get, so a phone call wouldn't hurt. She felt sure she could help me and sent me samples. I tried them out and they helped. I was able to stop taking the elemental diet shake (my body was appreciative of that). It's not a fast miracle by any means, but I do think they are helping my body get nutrients that I was otherwise lacking or not absorbing properly. I also had Ben do constitutional hydrotherapy on me to further help the healing process. I had done this over a year ago with my naturopath. At that time it did help my digestion and sensitivity to food for a few months. So I figured it was worth a try to get things stabilized so I can keep moving forward with my journey. It's not a complex process, but takes a bit of time and is best if I have a helper. So Ben is my guy! And bonus, he keeps it entertaining. It's basically just alternating hot and cold towels on my abdomen and back. My naturopath was always so calm and gentle as she was switching out the towels... Ben is... a bit more aggressive. But it makes me giggle. I cringe every time at the ice cold towel and he yells "suck it up!" and throws it on me. So that's that, band-aid has been ripped ;) After a few weeks my gut felt so much better. Digestion is working better and less bloating and pain.
So now that we've achieved a bit more stability with my gut I was ready to move forward. The last two months we've focused mostly on my gut and cellular healing to get my body ready for more pathogen killing. This takes a toll on a person and when you're really sick it's hard for the body to handle. Our bodies need to be able to drain properly as we're killing off pathogens and clearly mine was struggling just to do some of the basics. So last week we switched up some of my protocol and added in more supplements to clear unwanted viruses, bacteria, and parasites. I was excited to get started knowing that it's necessary to make progress, but nervous because it's hard. Anytime you're killing off something in the body it's going to affect you. When you take an antibiotic it's killing off bacteria, both good and bad. Some antibiotics can treat more targeted areas and others are more systemic. But with all of them they affect our gut biome. So unless you have a really healthy and amazing gut, you're likely going to feel it. And sometimes it's just a few days and things balance back out quickly. This is why it's often recommended that you take a good probiotic while on an antibiotic and for sure afterwards. So you can replenish and get things balanced quicker. A more extreme case would be chemotherapy. You're completely wiping out cells in your body. They are getting better and better about finding ways to target areas, but it takes a huge toll. Because it's wiping out the good cells too. This affects all the systems in the body, especially the immune system and it's ability to do its job fully. There's so much healing that has to be done after going through chemotherapy. It's often forgotten since the war seems won once the cancer is gone. But the marathon isn't over for those people. But like pathogens, it must be done in order to heal. So we must fight through it to get to the other side. The good news is that as time goes on I should start to feel better. The beginning is challenging because it's a bit of a jolt with the die-off. It can present itself differently for everyone. For me it's headaches, body aches, exhaustion, extreme bouts of anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, nausea, gas and bloating, memory issues, trouble focusing, elevated heart rate, chills, congestion and runny nose, and trouble sleeping. I don't know if this is considered good news, but I'm accustomed to most of these because I already deal with them even when I'm not trying to kill pathogens. There are things that can help ease some of the symptoms during this process thankfully. I have found that the Brain boost and Brain chai from the supplement line I mentioned before does help alleviate some of the emotional/mental issues. All of the different techniques aren't always fool proof, but sometimes they do help. I think the biggest help is having support from others. Because sometimes there's just nothing we can do and we're just going to feel miserable. Unfortunately, this time has brought out some bursts of anger. Anger is not my go-to emotion. Never has been. So when it hits I honestly don't even know what to do with it. The last time I remember experiences so much anger was when my dad died. Of all the stages of grief one can experience I was stuck in that one for awhile. It was surprising to me. So let's all pray for less angry Ashlee!
Even before switching up my protocol I was struggling really bad with pain. But my stomach was doing better... we have to keep remembering that win ;) I have several trigger points that are just tough to calm down. We work on it every week at physical therapy, but sometimes it doesn't help no matter what we do. I have a really gnarly spot by my neck/shoulder. When I wasn't on something to help relieve the pain it honestly felt like I had a broken bone. It was tear inducing pain. And if that isn't bad enough, the pain spreads. I get sharp shooting pain down my arms and neck. And the beloved neuropathy that comes with it. I had physical therapy yesterday and thankfully I think we got it calmed down some. The problem is that the shooting pain is coming from other spots too. So I have a lot of maintenance work to do to keep things tolerable. This happens with my legs too because of how bad the area at the tops of my hips is. And crazy enough it also comes from my stomach. Anyone else get shooting down theirs legs from stomach pain? It's fun! Though frustrating I'm learning a lot about my body and we continue to make progress in physical therapy. When I first started everything was SO sensitive that he had to be delicate and it would take the full session just to do one area. Now he can spend twenty minutes in one spot and do more deep tissue work and get things to release. So that's huge! I've been trying my best to get a walk in three times a week. Yes, this is pitiful compared to my previous 10,000 steps a day. Baby steps though! I WILL get there!
You may be wondering how I function on a daily basis with all of that going on. My determination and stubbornness does serve me well, but it's not enough most days. Medical cannabis and floating are my go-tos. As I've illustrated, my gut is really sensitive, so pain pills are not my friend. This is also why I've been steered to the route I'm on. I just don't do well with medications. I started out with CBD hemp oil (available to anyone) which is great for my anxiety and sometimes sleep. But it just doesn't cut it with the pain aspect. Everyone is different though, some have great success even with pain. So I needed something stronger... medical cannabis. It has honestly saved my life. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I'd be a puddle of despair. There are lots of different ratios and ways to take it. I have found success with the tinctures because it's easy to control dosing. This has helped me with pain, neuropathy, anxiety, depression, sleep, appetite, and calming my gut. If you are suffering it's worth looking into. The state is continually working on adding more qualifying conditions. And we have all heard me rave about floating!
So now you understand my uncertainty about work. But most days I feel like it would be good for me mentally. I miss my co-workers. I work with a great bunch of people and they can sure brighten ones day. And having another purpose might be good for me. My biggest concern is the stress. My body can't handle much. It doesn't have the ability to process it. It just reacts by making things worse. So this brings me back to my "Let go and let God" statement. It seems there may be some divine intervention playing in stalling my claim for days on end. Or maybe not? We may never know. I do think having some time to let my body adjust to my new regimen is good. I hate all of this so much most days. But there's only so much I can control. So today, I will sit in the passenger seat and be along for the ride.
As always, I will accept any help or support from anyone who wants to give. Please don't stop sending messages, cards, saying prayers, you name it. I appreciate all of it and it truly does help.
Some prayer requests:
• For my other warriors out there on their journey to good health. There are many, but to name a few that have been on my mind lately: Shayla Senesac, Brent Sandmann, Danielle Ceminsky, and Adam Bleck.
• For the family and friends of those who are suffering. That they may be granted patience and hope during this time.
• For Ben, Theodore, and Violet. That they continue to love me unconditionally forever and always.
• For my light. That it continues to glow.
• For all the pathogens making me sick. May they die and never return. (yes, this is a real request even though it sounds harsh)
• That I continue to give myself grace through this process. There is no room for perfection. That I can take what comes and go with it.
• And if the symptoms could ease up that would be much appreciated. I know I'm not asking a lot at this point, but sky's the limit with prayers!
Love to you all <3
Ashlee
Interesting description on types of parasites if anyone wants to know more.
How a parasite can cause myopathy.
I've been mentally and physically prepping myself to transition back into work. Even if it's just for a few hours a few times a week. I've been on unpaid leave since November 28. I got some PTO donations in December to help me get through which was a huge blessing. But right now we are just living off of Ben's income. It's insanely stressful. My claim for long-term disability is still being reviewed. We had hoped that would have been resolved closer to the start of the year, but that didn't happen and we're still waiting. That whole ordeal in itself has been stressful. Communication has been challenging and there's been a lot of waiting. So as you can imagine I'm feeling a push to get back to work to help make ends meet. So I could have my doctor fill out a return to work release or wait for the claim to get sorted out and transition once that happens. Everytime I talk to them it's "two more days". So I've been holding out. But then there's the other issue, "Am I ready?" Depends on the day.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I was on the elemental diet trying to get my gut to a more stable place. Wow, what a pickle that was. I was reflecting yesterday on where I was just a month ago. The elemental diet helped my gut to feel better but it was causing me a lot of physical pain and bladder pain. So as you can imagine, I was looking forward to getting off of it. I was supposed to do it for 21 days, but on day 18 I said, "I'm done! I can't do this anymore!". If only it was that simple. I stopped taking it only to have my gut completely rebound. I couldn't eat anything without feeling sick. I was absolutely miserable. So we decided that I needed to still take one or two shakes of Elemental diet a day temporarily to help me get through and be able to eat. Along with that I was taking a ton of supplements before and after meals just to help break down anything I was eating. Keep in mind that most of my meals were already pureed and the ingredients were minimal. My nutritionist had another doctor friend who has her own whole food supplement line. She wanted me to chat with her to see if she could help. I honestly was so overwhelmed and frustrated that at first I just didn't want to complicate things. But quickly came to the realization that I needed any help I could get, so a phone call wouldn't hurt. She felt sure she could help me and sent me samples. I tried them out and they helped. I was able to stop taking the elemental diet shake (my body was appreciative of that). It's not a fast miracle by any means, but I do think they are helping my body get nutrients that I was otherwise lacking or not absorbing properly. I also had Ben do constitutional hydrotherapy on me to further help the healing process. I had done this over a year ago with my naturopath. At that time it did help my digestion and sensitivity to food for a few months. So I figured it was worth a try to get things stabilized so I can keep moving forward with my journey. It's not a complex process, but takes a bit of time and is best if I have a helper. So Ben is my guy! And bonus, he keeps it entertaining. It's basically just alternating hot and cold towels on my abdomen and back. My naturopath was always so calm and gentle as she was switching out the towels... Ben is... a bit more aggressive. But it makes me giggle. I cringe every time at the ice cold towel and he yells "suck it up!" and throws it on me. So that's that, band-aid has been ripped ;) After a few weeks my gut felt so much better. Digestion is working better and less bloating and pain.
So now that we've achieved a bit more stability with my gut I was ready to move forward. The last two months we've focused mostly on my gut and cellular healing to get my body ready for more pathogen killing. This takes a toll on a person and when you're really sick it's hard for the body to handle. Our bodies need to be able to drain properly as we're killing off pathogens and clearly mine was struggling just to do some of the basics. So last week we switched up some of my protocol and added in more supplements to clear unwanted viruses, bacteria, and parasites. I was excited to get started knowing that it's necessary to make progress, but nervous because it's hard. Anytime you're killing off something in the body it's going to affect you. When you take an antibiotic it's killing off bacteria, both good and bad. Some antibiotics can treat more targeted areas and others are more systemic. But with all of them they affect our gut biome. So unless you have a really healthy and amazing gut, you're likely going to feel it. And sometimes it's just a few days and things balance back out quickly. This is why it's often recommended that you take a good probiotic while on an antibiotic and for sure afterwards. So you can replenish and get things balanced quicker. A more extreme case would be chemotherapy. You're completely wiping out cells in your body. They are getting better and better about finding ways to target areas, but it takes a huge toll. Because it's wiping out the good cells too. This affects all the systems in the body, especially the immune system and it's ability to do its job fully. There's so much healing that has to be done after going through chemotherapy. It's often forgotten since the war seems won once the cancer is gone. But the marathon isn't over for those people. But like pathogens, it must be done in order to heal. So we must fight through it to get to the other side. The good news is that as time goes on I should start to feel better. The beginning is challenging because it's a bit of a jolt with the die-off. It can present itself differently for everyone. For me it's headaches, body aches, exhaustion, extreme bouts of anxiety and depression, loss of appetite, nausea, gas and bloating, memory issues, trouble focusing, elevated heart rate, chills, congestion and runny nose, and trouble sleeping. I don't know if this is considered good news, but I'm accustomed to most of these because I already deal with them even when I'm not trying to kill pathogens. There are things that can help ease some of the symptoms during this process thankfully. I have found that the Brain boost and Brain chai from the supplement line I mentioned before does help alleviate some of the emotional/mental issues. All of the different techniques aren't always fool proof, but sometimes they do help. I think the biggest help is having support from others. Because sometimes there's just nothing we can do and we're just going to feel miserable. Unfortunately, this time has brought out some bursts of anger. Anger is not my go-to emotion. Never has been. So when it hits I honestly don't even know what to do with it. The last time I remember experiences so much anger was when my dad died. Of all the stages of grief one can experience I was stuck in that one for awhile. It was surprising to me. So let's all pray for less angry Ashlee!
Even before switching up my protocol I was struggling really bad with pain. But my stomach was doing better... we have to keep remembering that win ;) I have several trigger points that are just tough to calm down. We work on it every week at physical therapy, but sometimes it doesn't help no matter what we do. I have a really gnarly spot by my neck/shoulder. When I wasn't on something to help relieve the pain it honestly felt like I had a broken bone. It was tear inducing pain. And if that isn't bad enough, the pain spreads. I get sharp shooting pain down my arms and neck. And the beloved neuropathy that comes with it. I had physical therapy yesterday and thankfully I think we got it calmed down some. The problem is that the shooting pain is coming from other spots too. So I have a lot of maintenance work to do to keep things tolerable. This happens with my legs too because of how bad the area at the tops of my hips is. And crazy enough it also comes from my stomach. Anyone else get shooting down theirs legs from stomach pain? It's fun! Though frustrating I'm learning a lot about my body and we continue to make progress in physical therapy. When I first started everything was SO sensitive that he had to be delicate and it would take the full session just to do one area. Now he can spend twenty minutes in one spot and do more deep tissue work and get things to release. So that's huge! I've been trying my best to get a walk in three times a week. Yes, this is pitiful compared to my previous 10,000 steps a day. Baby steps though! I WILL get there!
You may be wondering how I function on a daily basis with all of that going on. My determination and stubbornness does serve me well, but it's not enough most days. Medical cannabis and floating are my go-tos. As I've illustrated, my gut is really sensitive, so pain pills are not my friend. This is also why I've been steered to the route I'm on. I just don't do well with medications. I started out with CBD hemp oil (available to anyone) which is great for my anxiety and sometimes sleep. But it just doesn't cut it with the pain aspect. Everyone is different though, some have great success even with pain. So I needed something stronger... medical cannabis. It has honestly saved my life. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I'd be a puddle of despair. There are lots of different ratios and ways to take it. I have found success with the tinctures because it's easy to control dosing. This has helped me with pain, neuropathy, anxiety, depression, sleep, appetite, and calming my gut. If you are suffering it's worth looking into. The state is continually working on adding more qualifying conditions. And we have all heard me rave about floating!
So now you understand my uncertainty about work. But most days I feel like it would be good for me mentally. I miss my co-workers. I work with a great bunch of people and they can sure brighten ones day. And having another purpose might be good for me. My biggest concern is the stress. My body can't handle much. It doesn't have the ability to process it. It just reacts by making things worse. So this brings me back to my "Let go and let God" statement. It seems there may be some divine intervention playing in stalling my claim for days on end. Or maybe not? We may never know. I do think having some time to let my body adjust to my new regimen is good. I hate all of this so much most days. But there's only so much I can control. So today, I will sit in the passenger seat and be along for the ride.
As always, I will accept any help or support from anyone who wants to give. Please don't stop sending messages, cards, saying prayers, you name it. I appreciate all of it and it truly does help.
Some prayer requests:
• For my other warriors out there on their journey to good health. There are many, but to name a few that have been on my mind lately: Shayla Senesac, Brent Sandmann, Danielle Ceminsky, and Adam Bleck.
• For the family and friends of those who are suffering. That they may be granted patience and hope during this time.
• For Ben, Theodore, and Violet. That they continue to love me unconditionally forever and always.
• For my light. That it continues to glow.
• For all the pathogens making me sick. May they die and never return. (yes, this is a real request even though it sounds harsh)
• That I continue to give myself grace through this process. There is no room for perfection. That I can take what comes and go with it.
• And if the symptoms could ease up that would be much appreciated. I know I'm not asking a lot at this point, but sky's the limit with prayers!
Love to you all <3
Ashlee
Interesting description on types of parasites if anyone wants to know more.
How a parasite can cause myopathy.
Comments
Post a Comment