Life's a dance...

you learn as you go.

And now you all have that song in your head ;)

I wish I had something positive to say about feeling like crap, but I don’t have it in me today. I kind of feel like I’m living this secret life amongst my own life, a life that involves parasite cleansing. It’s the most non-glamorous thing one can do, or at least up there on the list. It’s straight up gross. And I feel certain very few want to hear about it, so that’s why it’s a secret. And the fact that most probably think it’s bananas and possibly made up. It’s not, I promise you that. I’ve survived two cycles of Ivermectin and one full day of Praziquantel. And as promised, I felt worse during those times. It took me a good three days to recover from Praziquantel. But they did what they were supposed to do, help kill liver flukes, worms, and who knows what else. And if you recognize the medication names, it’s probably because you once gave it to your pet to get rid of their parasites.

Some of the of the unpleasant side effects include terrible headaches (from the ammonia the parasites give off when they die), itching, (more) fatigue, (increased) muscle pain, breakouts, nausea, and abdominal pain, to name a few. These aren’t new issues for me, but I will say that I had made a lot of progress in some of these areas in the past few months. So there’s times when it feel as though I’m going backwards. But I won’t get forward momentum without it. The Ivermectin is the worst for headaches and daily spurts of feeling like I might keel over from gut pain. It makes sense… everything has to make its way through the intestines at some point. The good news is that it passes. So once it starts I just remind myself that in a few hours I’ll feel better. The headaches, not as easy to wish away. Sometimes increasing my binders (supplement that helps bind everything to get it out of your system) helps, but sometimes it doesn’t. During cycle 2, my doctor suggested adding in another supplement called Mimosa Pudica. It’s literally just mimosa pudica seed ground up in a capsule, it’s predominantly found in India. When it’s mixed with water it becomes a gelatinous, sticky gut scrubber. And it does just that, it pulls out unwanted gunk out of your intestinal tract. I’ve taken this for chunks of time before and my body has a hard time with it. But, it’s a new month and you just never know how it will react this go around. The thought was that it would help with some symptoms since it would be pulling more out. Since I knew this, I gave the initial discomfort a pass. As I kept going it got more and more challenging. So I took a few days off of it to try and rest and delayed the third Ivermectin cycle a day to give myself more time. So last Wednesday evening I took the Ivermectin to start up round 3. Thursday morning I was in a positive mindset and decided to give the mimosa pudica another go. Well, things took a bad turn. I felt so insanely sick to my stomach I didn’t know what to do with myself. Within twenty minutes of taking it I was miserable. I tried the “it will pass” mantra over and over. I guess the mantra worked in a sense… I just puked everything up. But I neglected to feel that relief you sometimes feel after getting it out of your system. It was more like a cloud of doom and what in the world just happened? So I got in contact with my doctor and he advised to stop all supplements except the oxygen, minerals, and mitoATP for a few days to let my body heal. This was the first day since my return back to work that I had to call in to take a few hours off unplanned. But hey, I made it three months! I called into a morning meeting from home and I got myself into the office by noon. There is no shortage of persistence on my part. I took a few days off as prescribed and started up the Ivermectin again last night. I will have a one day break and then do a day of Praziquantel.

The tricky part about being sick that goes beyond the actual challenge of being sick… is that you later continually feel punished for getting sick in the first place. Take care of yourself, we care about you… but don’t worry, you will suffer consequences later. This is a sad reality. Between insurance, career, relationships, etc. … there are consequences. And sometimes you just want to yell some swear words. And I’ve never been much for swearing. But sometimes these situations bring out the worst in you. Or is it the best? Ha! Sometimes my friends are shocked to see me get so fired up!

I have been without my typical coping mechanism, floating, for over two months now. There’s definitely been a few times when I think it would have really turned things around for me. Though I also feel like I’m handling it better than I thought I would. This has confirmed that I have in fact made progress. I also owe some of this to reading. It’s been my new coping mechanism to get through the bad days. I escape to another world and can take a break from how I’m feeling. I’ve also started drinking this cup of magic they call Happy Coffee (or Happy Chocolate). It helps to balance your hormones, which results in better mood and energy. It’s not always foolproof for me, but it’s definitely made my life easier to manage! It’s from a company called Elevacity. If anyone is interested I can connect you with a rep.

My doctor and I recently had more discussion around my persistent neck pain. As some of you know, I was in an ATV accident when I was 14. This is mostly known for the infamous two broken arms at once. He had me send over my MRI results from a few years ago. When I initially did them there wasn’t much concern surrounding the findings. Some bulges and herniation, but was told they can heal with time. What wasn’t brought to my attention was that I have reversal of cervical lordosis. My neck has lost its natural curvature… it’s likely more straight. This can happen from injuries such as being in an ATV accident. The kicker is that not all practitioners recognize this as an actual issue. Though there have been studies done that show it can put people at risk for nerve, ligament, and muscle function. And ultimately lead to a number of health-related issues. This is because the spinal cord is the highway of communication in the body. Impact in route can disrupt the exchange of information in the body. Think of how important the gut/brain connection is. The spine is crucial in that connection. The good news is that there are tools and exercises to help correct cervical curvature. So yay for me! This also means more work for me. But still, so glad there is a way to address this that isn’t invasive or risky.

Though some of this sounds quite glum, I can assure you I’ve still come leaps and bounds from where I was. An obvious one… I do go to work everyday. I’ve been working 30-32 hours a week. It seems to be a decent balance for me. Doesn’t come without challenges here and there, but persistence! I do enjoy interacting with people and having projects to focus on, which is good for me. Though I definitely can’t claim to be supermom, I’m definitely gaining some ground in that department. I no longer have fear about picking up the kids at the end of the day. Or fear of being alone with them for hours at a time. It helps that they are the ages they’re at. They’re more independent and help with things around the house. I mostly fall short in the active play category. As bad as I want to kick the soccer ball around with Theodore, it’s typically not worth the aftermath. Though, I have my moments when I’ll ignore all rational and just do it! One of my favorite days as of late was the day of Theodore’s Kindergarten picnic. It was a lovely, hot day. I joined him for lunch/play at the park and then later volunteered to blow bubbles at their school walk-a-thon. I was just so overjoyed to be a normal mom being there for my son and partaking in a school activity. It literally brings tears to my eyes as I type this. Most of you will not understand this at all, but for me it’s a big deal. I crashed hard when I got home that afternoon. But it was the kind that included a satisfactory glow because it was so fun and so worth it. My mom took the kids that night so Ben and I could have some time to us. Over the winter we had made effort to go on a date at least once a month. Once I got back to work this came to a halt. Mostly due to the fact that I had nothing left to give after a week full of work and activities and that annoying reality of a budget. Recovering from months off of work and continuing health care is challenging. Anyhow, Ben and I took the time to just wander around town. I wasn’t going to let my exhaustion and some aches ruin my great day. We checked out some sculptures in town, stopped by the river, Ben took some photos (obviously), and then we stopped at Number 4 for a small bite to eat. I think we literally just ordered a beer (for Ben) and cauliflower (for me). I’m sure it’s really common for people to order cauliflower at 9:30pm ;) My point being… there are great moments and days tucked in amongst the challenges. And they don’t go unnoticed.

So as I’ve noted… physical activity is still a challenge. Before starting back at work I had gotten into a good routine at the gym. I was so happy to be moving again even if it was slow and basic. This became difficult to manage once I was back at work. I would squeeze in a walk here or there, but I was definitely feeling down about the drop off in activity. I only have so many spoons each day, so I had to prioritize. Just last week I decided I needed to walk every day, even if it’s just a few blocks. As long as it’s something! The motivator to my success is my mini-me, Violet! From the day she was born she has been my walking buddy. She has always loved the stroller and being outside. So this has become our new ritual. Even though she’s 4, she still loves a good stroller ride. One of her favorite things to do is stop by the nearby Little Free Library. Then she’ll usually hop out and push the stroller the rest of the way home, sometimes with her baby doll in tow. Theodore sometimes joins our walks, but is a bit more high maintenance if it doesn’t involve going to the park.

Violet also loves to go to the library with me. We’ll gather stacks too heavy to carry and devour all of them at home. Though, if there’s a Pinkalicious title, she will demand it be read every night no matter how many other books there are to choose from! I also came up with the brilliant idea of having them help with juicing. They actually make the process more enjoyable for me, which is a huge bonus! Theodore finished up Kindergarten last week. This made me sadder than I thought it would. He’s now a first grader! It’s still sinking in. He had such a fantastic year and I’m in awe of how much he’s grown in maturity, personality, and intellect! That’s obviously what they’re supposed to do, but I’m still amazed by it. Sitting down and listening to him read a book makes my heart burst. It only took about 8 months, but he now will tell me he loves reading. He’s doing summer camp again at the Y this year. I can hardly wait to hear about his days full of adventure.

Thanks for reading and your continued support in this journey.

Ashlee