just keep swimming.
Dory was so wise.
Three simple words that you can keep repeating over and over. Plus she said it so cheerily in a sing-song way, so how can you not smile when you think of it.
I recently read a book where this phrase was used throughout the book. It struck a cord. We all have coping mechanisms whether we realize them or not. Some are simple, some may be elaborate, some may be harmful, and so on. But as we grow and navigate the world, we create them and lean on them. I've mentioned before that exercise was my crutch for a period of time. It got me through two postpartums, my father's death, and many other trials in between. It wasn't a cure all, but I found that many times it did truly release the endorphins I needed. There are obviously other things I did through the years. Pretty sure junk food was involved heavily during some periods of life. But when you get in a pickle and don't have the physical means to exercise and your stomach can't tolerate much of anything... what is the next best thing? Apparently, it's reading. Go figure! A year after dad passed I joined a book club with a few gals in a Facebook group. Prior to that I was lucky if I read one book in a year. I always wanted to be a reader, but it just wasn't my thing. Sounds a little odd considering I worked in book publishing. The book club got me to read a few books that I probably otherwise wouldn't have made the time to sit down and actually read. The best part was that I really started to enjoy it. I think I ended up reading a handful by the end of the year. Then in 2018 I made it past 10 books, which felt like a major accomplishment to me! Sometime toward the end of 2018, early 2019, I discovered that when I read I could escape. I stop thinking about how I'm feeling or all the things I'm worried about. I just become fully consumed by my book world. Though I love a good movie or tv show, I still can't always seem to shut everything else out. It feels like a bit of an addiction at times. But there are much worse addictions to have, so I feel like if that's what I need to do to get through, then so be it. Last month I reached 100 books! Can you believe it? I can't. I don't know how one goes from reading 10 books a year to 100, but I somehow managed it. Now, am I reading intellectually challenging books? Definitely not. I'm reading books that make me happy. I was recently thinking about this more though. And I can honestly say that every book I read I gain some sort of takeaway. It's not always an obvious lesson, but it comes in the form of many different things. I gain perspective on a multitude of situations, which only further enhances my empathy for others and what they're going through. Sometimes I learn random facts about things I had no clue about previously. And are they things that I needed to know? Probably not. But maybe someday I'll stand a chance against the Sukers in trivia. They're all laughing right now because they know it will take a lot to even get close! haha. But ultimately, if it makes me happier, then I think it's done its job already. Sometimes I also read books that take unexpected turns or end up being more relatable than I thought they would be and they completely gut me. A few months back I was reading a sequel to a cute YA book I read. I thought, oh it will just be more of the same, la di da. Oh no! This author decided to take her writing to another level. The story took a twist and I felt so sick to my stomach reading it. And then I was just so worried that I had to keep reading until I got to a better place. Well by that point it was 2am, so I figured I better just finish it. I slept a few hours and woke up still worried about this woman in the story. So I read the ending again to calm myself down. And now we all know why Ashlee should not read traumatic books. I'm unstable enough the way it is.
Last time I wrote I was going through a bit of a setback. I've definitely made some progress since then, but it hasn't come without challenges. There are two breakdowns my body is experiencing in the Kreb cycle, converting pyruvate to acetyl-CoA and acetyl-CoA making ATP/ADP. This means my body isn't adequately making energy, which also causes the extra muscle aches. The main contributor to this currently is strongyloides. It's a little threadworm parasite. They can be dormant for periods of time, but they apparently decided they wanted to make their presence known right now. This may have to do with the mycotoxin exposure, or the mycotoxins are being released from the strongyloides. Parasites like to carry all sorts of good stuff like heavy metals and mycotoxins. Because of the strongyloides my zinc is also depleted. So that causes its own host of issues. So we added in a zinc supplement to help support that while we work on getting rid of the strongyloides. I'm back on an awesome anti-parasite supplement. I was going to say it's one I don't tolerate well, but let's be honest, I have a hard time with all of them. This one is a liquid though, which makes dosing easier. Currently, I do one drop every other day in 8oz. of water that I drink slowly throughout the day. I tried doing one drop in 8oz. of water and drinking it all at once every day, I thought I was going to die. So this has been a better plan for me. I honestly just feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. You know how roller coasters are kind of fun at certain parts and then terrifying and not fun at all during others. That's kind of what it's like. Though fun is probably too strong of a word. My symptoms come in waves, which makes me feel slightly psychotic at times. I'll be mentally in a great place, even if there are some physical frustrations, then suddenly I just crash. My body shuts down and my mood goes right along with it. Sometimes I'll get the chills, hit a wall of exhaustion, and feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up. Then I'm just sad and I don't know what to do with myself. Like depressive sad. And I want to reach out and cling to someone. I feel needy. I need reassurance and affirmation that things are okay and that I'm still me. I want to be held, I want a shoulder to lean on, and sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. This is not a good look, people. All the insecurity and doubt is such a drag to deal with. I hate to put that on people. So I try to keep it together. I tell myself to just keep swimming, hang on and it will pass, don't cry, take deep breathes, and avoid saying too much. I put a smile on my face and hibernate when possible. My biggest fear is that people will look at me like I'm ridiculous or just walk away altogether. I think this is heightened more so because I'm surrounded by new people. They didn't know me before and it's scary letting them fully in. There's a lot of baggage there. Many of you have been with me on the roller coaster this whole time and haven't left. And I'm forever grateful for that. But how will I know that the new friends won't jump and not want to deal? I don't.
But when the moments are good, they are SO good. I feel confident, happy, goofy, and just myself. I embrace it with all I have. This sometimes means I'm shouting, "Let's go dancing! I want to run! Sing with me!" There's no time to waste, let's do it all before it's over. I'm hoping this time period will start to stretch out more and there won't be an everyday occurrence of highs and lows. I do get this next week off of the Para3, so I'm hoping I get some much needed reprieve and can feel like myself as much as possible. I can deal with some aches, fatigue, and stomach discomfort. It's the neurological symptoms that are harder to deal with. I hate when I'm trying to have a conversation and I just can't think clearly. It takes everything to focus and get through it. Which means by the time it's over I'm so exhausted and then I overanalyze all the things I should have said differently or didn't say at all.
So if you're reading this and you're willing, let me know if you want in. Say, "Ashlee, I want to ride on the roller coaster with you!" Okay, so some of you have been riding it for a long time already and I'm sure you want to get off, but please stay ;)
As many of you know this isn't the only trial in our lives right now. We have a few loved ones going through some really difficult things. It's been a lot to take in. Ben would be the first to tell you that I feel too deeply sometimes. So tough situations can hit me really hard emotionally. In some situations I think it's because I know how they feel and I know how hard it is. I don't want anyone to have to experience that. And I still have work to do on myself, so I worry if I will have enough love and support to give them. I'm told the answer is yes, yes I will. So I'm going to go with that and hope it's true.
If you'd like to support my sister-in-law, Sara, please do so here. Mailing a card would also be much appreciated. Reach out to me for their mailing address.
Other information:
About Strongyloides
Fun side effects when parasites die off
Three simple words that you can keep repeating over and over. Plus she said it so cheerily in a sing-song way, so how can you not smile when you think of it.
I recently read a book where this phrase was used throughout the book. It struck a cord. We all have coping mechanisms whether we realize them or not. Some are simple, some may be elaborate, some may be harmful, and so on. But as we grow and navigate the world, we create them and lean on them. I've mentioned before that exercise was my crutch for a period of time. It got me through two postpartums, my father's death, and many other trials in between. It wasn't a cure all, but I found that many times it did truly release the endorphins I needed. There are obviously other things I did through the years. Pretty sure junk food was involved heavily during some periods of life. But when you get in a pickle and don't have the physical means to exercise and your stomach can't tolerate much of anything... what is the next best thing? Apparently, it's reading. Go figure! A year after dad passed I joined a book club with a few gals in a Facebook group. Prior to that I was lucky if I read one book in a year. I always wanted to be a reader, but it just wasn't my thing. Sounds a little odd considering I worked in book publishing. The book club got me to read a few books that I probably otherwise wouldn't have made the time to sit down and actually read. The best part was that I really started to enjoy it. I think I ended up reading a handful by the end of the year. Then in 2018 I made it past 10 books, which felt like a major accomplishment to me! Sometime toward the end of 2018, early 2019, I discovered that when I read I could escape. I stop thinking about how I'm feeling or all the things I'm worried about. I just become fully consumed by my book world. Though I love a good movie or tv show, I still can't always seem to shut everything else out. It feels like a bit of an addiction at times. But there are much worse addictions to have, so I feel like if that's what I need to do to get through, then so be it. Last month I reached 100 books! Can you believe it? I can't. I don't know how one goes from reading 10 books a year to 100, but I somehow managed it. Now, am I reading intellectually challenging books? Definitely not. I'm reading books that make me happy. I was recently thinking about this more though. And I can honestly say that every book I read I gain some sort of takeaway. It's not always an obvious lesson, but it comes in the form of many different things. I gain perspective on a multitude of situations, which only further enhances my empathy for others and what they're going through. Sometimes I learn random facts about things I had no clue about previously. And are they things that I needed to know? Probably not. But maybe someday I'll stand a chance against the Sukers in trivia. They're all laughing right now because they know it will take a lot to even get close! haha. But ultimately, if it makes me happier, then I think it's done its job already. Sometimes I also read books that take unexpected turns or end up being more relatable than I thought they would be and they completely gut me. A few months back I was reading a sequel to a cute YA book I read. I thought, oh it will just be more of the same, la di da. Oh no! This author decided to take her writing to another level. The story took a twist and I felt so sick to my stomach reading it. And then I was just so worried that I had to keep reading until I got to a better place. Well by that point it was 2am, so I figured I better just finish it. I slept a few hours and woke up still worried about this woman in the story. So I read the ending again to calm myself down. And now we all know why Ashlee should not read traumatic books. I'm unstable enough the way it is.
Last time I wrote I was going through a bit of a setback. I've definitely made some progress since then, but it hasn't come without challenges. There are two breakdowns my body is experiencing in the Kreb cycle, converting pyruvate to acetyl-CoA and acetyl-CoA making ATP/ADP. This means my body isn't adequately making energy, which also causes the extra muscle aches. The main contributor to this currently is strongyloides. It's a little threadworm parasite. They can be dormant for periods of time, but they apparently decided they wanted to make their presence known right now. This may have to do with the mycotoxin exposure, or the mycotoxins are being released from the strongyloides. Parasites like to carry all sorts of good stuff like heavy metals and mycotoxins. Because of the strongyloides my zinc is also depleted. So that causes its own host of issues. So we added in a zinc supplement to help support that while we work on getting rid of the strongyloides. I'm back on an awesome anti-parasite supplement. I was going to say it's one I don't tolerate well, but let's be honest, I have a hard time with all of them. This one is a liquid though, which makes dosing easier. Currently, I do one drop every other day in 8oz. of water that I drink slowly throughout the day. I tried doing one drop in 8oz. of water and drinking it all at once every day, I thought I was going to die. So this has been a better plan for me. I honestly just feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. You know how roller coasters are kind of fun at certain parts and then terrifying and not fun at all during others. That's kind of what it's like. Though fun is probably too strong of a word. My symptoms come in waves, which makes me feel slightly psychotic at times. I'll be mentally in a great place, even if there are some physical frustrations, then suddenly I just crash. My body shuts down and my mood goes right along with it. Sometimes I'll get the chills, hit a wall of exhaustion, and feel like I'm going to pass out or throw up. Then I'm just sad and I don't know what to do with myself. Like depressive sad. And I want to reach out and cling to someone. I feel needy. I need reassurance and affirmation that things are okay and that I'm still me. I want to be held, I want a shoulder to lean on, and sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. This is not a good look, people. All the insecurity and doubt is such a drag to deal with. I hate to put that on people. So I try to keep it together. I tell myself to just keep swimming, hang on and it will pass, don't cry, take deep breathes, and avoid saying too much. I put a smile on my face and hibernate when possible. My biggest fear is that people will look at me like I'm ridiculous or just walk away altogether. I think this is heightened more so because I'm surrounded by new people. They didn't know me before and it's scary letting them fully in. There's a lot of baggage there. Many of you have been with me on the roller coaster this whole time and haven't left. And I'm forever grateful for that. But how will I know that the new friends won't jump and not want to deal? I don't.
But when the moments are good, they are SO good. I feel confident, happy, goofy, and just myself. I embrace it with all I have. This sometimes means I'm shouting, "Let's go dancing! I want to run! Sing with me!" There's no time to waste, let's do it all before it's over. I'm hoping this time period will start to stretch out more and there won't be an everyday occurrence of highs and lows. I do get this next week off of the Para3, so I'm hoping I get some much needed reprieve and can feel like myself as much as possible. I can deal with some aches, fatigue, and stomach discomfort. It's the neurological symptoms that are harder to deal with. I hate when I'm trying to have a conversation and I just can't think clearly. It takes everything to focus and get through it. Which means by the time it's over I'm so exhausted and then I overanalyze all the things I should have said differently or didn't say at all.
So if you're reading this and you're willing, let me know if you want in. Say, "Ashlee, I want to ride on the roller coaster with you!" Okay, so some of you have been riding it for a long time already and I'm sure you want to get off, but please stay ;)
As many of you know this isn't the only trial in our lives right now. We have a few loved ones going through some really difficult things. It's been a lot to take in. Ben would be the first to tell you that I feel too deeply sometimes. So tough situations can hit me really hard emotionally. In some situations I think it's because I know how they feel and I know how hard it is. I don't want anyone to have to experience that. And I still have work to do on myself, so I worry if I will have enough love and support to give them. I'm told the answer is yes, yes I will. So I'm going to go with that and hope it's true.
If you'd like to support my sister-in-law, Sara, please do so here. Mailing a card would also be much appreciated. Reach out to me for their mailing address.
Other information:
About Strongyloides
Fun side effects when parasites die off
Comments
Post a Comment