i will get back up again ...
when i'm ready.
We sometimes forget that part, the in-between, the healing process. We jump from "not okay" to "great". But wait, how did we get there? Tell me, Anna Kendrick! haha (This is a Trolls reference in case I've lost half my audience)
I'm off on this remarkable adventure
Just riding on a rainbow
What if it's all a big mistake
What if it's more than I can take
No I can't think that way 'cause I know that
I'm really, really, really gonna be okay
We are on a remarkable adventure. It's filled with joy, pain, reflection, anticipation, sorrow, fun, grief, and so much more. And all of that can be done on a vibrant rainbow. Because even our sorrow and grief can be colorful. Plus, rainbows aren't just a straight line. They go up and down. My point is that these lyrics are merely the highlights of the story. There's more to be said in between the lines.
My mom gifted me a book called No More Faking Fine. It's one of those titles that when I read it, I think my gut did a leap or my heart did or something. I've been in this weird place with books this past year. I try to avoid anything too painful and I also don't want anything too preachy, because I just don't want to be told what to do. Actually, it's more like I don't want MORE to do. I don't want to feel like I'm still not doing enough. Does that make sense? But this time I was intrigued, because "faking fine" has been a mantra of mine a few times, sometimes unintentionally. I'm not very far in the book, but what I've gained so far is a lot of reflection. And I like that about it. There's a piece about lamenting and how it's not a common practice, but it should be. It's a very integral part of our relationships with God. But since I don't want to be told what to do, I will say that it "can" be part of my relationship. Lament is simply expressing our true emotions to God when things aren't going well. And if God isn't your thing, I think expressing our true emotions to whatever or whoever fits your beliefs, that works too. Because life isn't supposed to be all joy, joy, joy all the time. She writes "having all of me is what makes God happy". This strikes a cord. Because this is what I want from my loved ones too. I want real. We can be happy with the sad. And now I understand why I sometimes view pain and sorrow as beautiful. It's because it's honest, unrestrained lament. When dad passed away it was the most painful and beautiful time I've ever experienced. It was raw and we didn't fake fine. We cried, we were silent, we shared deep conversation, we laughed, we hugged, we felt drained, we felt full, and sometimes we felt nothing. It was up, down, and everything in-between. You guys, I'm seriously having an aha moment here about all of this. It finally clicks. It also now makes sense why I get so frustrated with people who keep acting fine when I know they're not. Just be real with me dammit! My empathetic nature allows me to sense when I'm being lied to and I don't like it. I don't feel happy with their happiness in those moments because I know it's not real. If they shared what was really going on I would be more content. Not because I want people to feel like crap. I don't want that AT ALL. But I do want all of them, not just the good parts. I also know that some people just need more time and will open up when they're ready. I try to meet them where they're at and give them grace. And sometimes I just call them out on their shit!
In my reflection I was brought back to a few years ago. My friend, Lindsey, lost her dad a year after I lost mine. I knew her pain. I specifically remember a point during the service where I was crying so hard because ten million emotions were happening at once. I was crying for her, her mom, her family, for my dad, for my family, for anyone going through grief, and also for ME. I carried around so much weight all the time, just being fine. I didn't let it out as much as I needed to. Apparently I should have been lamenting every day. I honestly giggled to myself at one point while reflecting on Esther's words because when I go to church and pray... I feel like I'm supposed to say a million thanks and just be grateful. I worry about being a downer to God in my prayers. This is legit, people. I don't know where this perception came from, but I just realized that I do this and never thought any different of it. But on that particular day after the funeral service was over I anxiously awaited to get to Lindsey. I needed a safe space and I knew she did too. As soon as I got to her I hugged her so hard and we cried. Not just cried, we sobbed. And then we shared this look with each other that said, "this sucks", and then I think I actually said it out loud. Later we shared some good stories and some good laughs along with all the heavy stuff. The whole thing was real and raw. It was beautiful.
We often look outside ourselves for inspiration. We draw from people, places, objects, etc. Sometimes this is incredibly uplifting and lights a fire in ourselves. But because we're human, have you ever listened to that motivational speaker and then let your mind talk yourself out of what you were initially inspired about? You tell yourself that you're not them, you can't do that. You're not strong enough or talented enough. I bet we all have at some point. Have you ever drawn inspiration from yourself? I have. Just think about that question for a moment ...
We don't have to dwell on the past, but we can certainly draw inspiration from it. We can say, "I've done it before, I can do it again." Or we're inspired to do it differently this time. We do this all the time without realizing we're doing it. I've fallen down and gotten back up again thousands of times it seems. I get into good groves and then something fall apart, so I have to pick up the pieces and find my way again. Over two months ago now one of the supplements I was taking ran out of stock. At first I honestly didn't think much of it and figured I'd be able to order again soon. Well, that was not the case and it's still not available. So if I wrote this in a fun song I'd say, "It ran out, but came back in. So now all is good again." Ha! But this post is about getting there, the in-between. And honestly, it's still not good again. This particular supplement helped control inflammation among other things. It didn't immediately impact me when I ran out. Like how when you start taking something it usually doesn't act immediately, it takes time. I knew I had come a ways in healing, but this, this made me really realize it. My pain had been managed so much better. I even did some interval running a few times at the gym early December. I was making gains and it felt so good. Then the pain gradually started creeping in on me. I got back to the point where I woke up feeling like death in the morning. And by that I mean, far from alive, broken, in pain, swelled up like a balloon, sad, sometimes angry, just down and unable to get up. But I do always get up and out of bed eventually. Talk about deja vu though. This was my life every single day for a long time, how did I do it? So on these really bad days I often find myself looking at my journey and being inspired. I WILL get through this and I WILL be even better than before. So how does that happen? Well I will tell you one thing, my body has healed a lot and thankfully now has the ability to bounce back from pitfalls. The last few weeks have been really challenging, but I've still had moments of "I'm feeling okay". This is how I know that big picture, it really will be okay and I'm still on the right path. I've learned so much and have become so in tune with my body that I sometimes know what to change to help it. And I also know when I need help and have to look to my doctor for assistance. So at first I, of course, did all the things I could on my own to help. I managed okay-ish for awhile, but then did a help cry to my doctor. We've added in a few different things to help and the other supplement should be back in stock sometime in February. I was able to start one of the supplements last week and I've made progress in the pain category at least. I have a few more things coming this next week.
So during this pitfall, it has not been fine. I've been more sad. I've probably been swearing more. I move slower. I'm not always very fun to talk to. My skin sometimes has a weird tint to it. My kids are frustrated with me because I'm not playing with them enough. My house is a hot mess, because I'm not able to help. The work days sometimes feel a little longer. Along with the physical there is some added emotional. My grandma passed away two weeks ago and my sister-in-law is on her journey with cancer. These are hard things. This is life and sometimes it's just a little heavier. The upside is that I can still feel the flame inside myself. Sometimes I have to dig a little deeper to find the ember in the ashes, but it's there. So even though there are moments where I just need to be still, there are moments where I'm able to let my flame grow and shine. Do you guys think I should stop using metaphors? I can't seem to stop :)
Lately I've been finding myself trying to just ride the waves instead of attempting to go against them. (again with the metaphors!) I now know that sometimes I'm just going to be sad or mad or tired or feel really shitty and it's okay. I'm still going to try and not project that onto other people though. I will still try and smile. Because if I smile, then maybe they'll smile back and my bucket will get a little fuller. I am trying to just be more real about it with those close to me. Because frankly, I just don't have the energy to be something I'm not most of the time. What I don't like about this is that I still feel like I have to apologize for being so unstable. I want to say "I'm sorry", beg them to not give up on me, promise things will get better, and let them know how much I appreciate them. But since this is a common theme lately, I think if I did this every day they might throw something at me eventually. Plus, if I request you give me all of you, I should probably give you all of me. Hopefully they're thinking, "Just shut up, Ashlee, and let me be your friend!" So to my people out there, you're my safe place and I appreciate you! I'll try not to get all weird about it too often ;)
Remember how I said I'm inspired by myself? Sometimes a visual reminder of how far I've come is helpful. It's not all about how I look. I can also see how I actually felt. Though there's a smile in some, I can tell by my eyes that I'm hurting. There's some really great memories in there with my family and friends, but I can feel the sadness just looking at them. And as time goes on there are fewer pictures like this and there are a lot less gaps of photos where I'm missing from them completely because I didn't feel well enough to be there. So yay for that!
We sometimes forget that part, the in-between, the healing process. We jump from "not okay" to "great". But wait, how did we get there? Tell me, Anna Kendrick! haha (This is a Trolls reference in case I've lost half my audience)
I'm off on this remarkable adventure
Just riding on a rainbow
What if it's all a big mistake
What if it's more than I can take
No I can't think that way 'cause I know that
I'm really, really, really gonna be okay
We are on a remarkable adventure. It's filled with joy, pain, reflection, anticipation, sorrow, fun, grief, and so much more. And all of that can be done on a vibrant rainbow. Because even our sorrow and grief can be colorful. Plus, rainbows aren't just a straight line. They go up and down. My point is that these lyrics are merely the highlights of the story. There's more to be said in between the lines.
My mom gifted me a book called No More Faking Fine. It's one of those titles that when I read it, I think my gut did a leap or my heart did or something. I've been in this weird place with books this past year. I try to avoid anything too painful and I also don't want anything too preachy, because I just don't want to be told what to do. Actually, it's more like I don't want MORE to do. I don't want to feel like I'm still not doing enough. Does that make sense? But this time I was intrigued, because "faking fine" has been a mantra of mine a few times, sometimes unintentionally. I'm not very far in the book, but what I've gained so far is a lot of reflection. And I like that about it. There's a piece about lamenting and how it's not a common practice, but it should be. It's a very integral part of our relationships with God. But since I don't want to be told what to do, I will say that it "can" be part of my relationship. Lament is simply expressing our true emotions to God when things aren't going well. And if God isn't your thing, I think expressing our true emotions to whatever or whoever fits your beliefs, that works too. Because life isn't supposed to be all joy, joy, joy all the time. She writes "having all of me is what makes God happy". This strikes a cord. Because this is what I want from my loved ones too. I want real. We can be happy with the sad. And now I understand why I sometimes view pain and sorrow as beautiful. It's because it's honest, unrestrained lament. When dad passed away it was the most painful and beautiful time I've ever experienced. It was raw and we didn't fake fine. We cried, we were silent, we shared deep conversation, we laughed, we hugged, we felt drained, we felt full, and sometimes we felt nothing. It was up, down, and everything in-between. You guys, I'm seriously having an aha moment here about all of this. It finally clicks. It also now makes sense why I get so frustrated with people who keep acting fine when I know they're not. Just be real with me dammit! My empathetic nature allows me to sense when I'm being lied to and I don't like it. I don't feel happy with their happiness in those moments because I know it's not real. If they shared what was really going on I would be more content. Not because I want people to feel like crap. I don't want that AT ALL. But I do want all of them, not just the good parts. I also know that some people just need more time and will open up when they're ready. I try to meet them where they're at and give them grace. And sometimes I just call them out on their shit!
In my reflection I was brought back to a few years ago. My friend, Lindsey, lost her dad a year after I lost mine. I knew her pain. I specifically remember a point during the service where I was crying so hard because ten million emotions were happening at once. I was crying for her, her mom, her family, for my dad, for my family, for anyone going through grief, and also for ME. I carried around so much weight all the time, just being fine. I didn't let it out as much as I needed to. Apparently I should have been lamenting every day. I honestly giggled to myself at one point while reflecting on Esther's words because when I go to church and pray... I feel like I'm supposed to say a million thanks and just be grateful. I worry about being a downer to God in my prayers. This is legit, people. I don't know where this perception came from, but I just realized that I do this and never thought any different of it. But on that particular day after the funeral service was over I anxiously awaited to get to Lindsey. I needed a safe space and I knew she did too. As soon as I got to her I hugged her so hard and we cried. Not just cried, we sobbed. And then we shared this look with each other that said, "this sucks", and then I think I actually said it out loud. Later we shared some good stories and some good laughs along with all the heavy stuff. The whole thing was real and raw. It was beautiful.
We often look outside ourselves for inspiration. We draw from people, places, objects, etc. Sometimes this is incredibly uplifting and lights a fire in ourselves. But because we're human, have you ever listened to that motivational speaker and then let your mind talk yourself out of what you were initially inspired about? You tell yourself that you're not them, you can't do that. You're not strong enough or talented enough. I bet we all have at some point. Have you ever drawn inspiration from yourself? I have. Just think about that question for a moment ...
We don't have to dwell on the past, but we can certainly draw inspiration from it. We can say, "I've done it before, I can do it again." Or we're inspired to do it differently this time. We do this all the time without realizing we're doing it. I've fallen down and gotten back up again thousands of times it seems. I get into good groves and then something fall apart, so I have to pick up the pieces and find my way again. Over two months ago now one of the supplements I was taking ran out of stock. At first I honestly didn't think much of it and figured I'd be able to order again soon. Well, that was not the case and it's still not available. So if I wrote this in a fun song I'd say, "It ran out, but came back in. So now all is good again." Ha! But this post is about getting there, the in-between. And honestly, it's still not good again. This particular supplement helped control inflammation among other things. It didn't immediately impact me when I ran out. Like how when you start taking something it usually doesn't act immediately, it takes time. I knew I had come a ways in healing, but this, this made me really realize it. My pain had been managed so much better. I even did some interval running a few times at the gym early December. I was making gains and it felt so good. Then the pain gradually started creeping in on me. I got back to the point where I woke up feeling like death in the morning. And by that I mean, far from alive, broken, in pain, swelled up like a balloon, sad, sometimes angry, just down and unable to get up. But I do always get up and out of bed eventually. Talk about deja vu though. This was my life every single day for a long time, how did I do it? So on these really bad days I often find myself looking at my journey and being inspired. I WILL get through this and I WILL be even better than before. So how does that happen? Well I will tell you one thing, my body has healed a lot and thankfully now has the ability to bounce back from pitfalls. The last few weeks have been really challenging, but I've still had moments of "I'm feeling okay". This is how I know that big picture, it really will be okay and I'm still on the right path. I've learned so much and have become so in tune with my body that I sometimes know what to change to help it. And I also know when I need help and have to look to my doctor for assistance. So at first I, of course, did all the things I could on my own to help. I managed okay-ish for awhile, but then did a help cry to my doctor. We've added in a few different things to help and the other supplement should be back in stock sometime in February. I was able to start one of the supplements last week and I've made progress in the pain category at least. I have a few more things coming this next week.
So during this pitfall, it has not been fine. I've been more sad. I've probably been swearing more. I move slower. I'm not always very fun to talk to. My skin sometimes has a weird tint to it. My kids are frustrated with me because I'm not playing with them enough. My house is a hot mess, because I'm not able to help. The work days sometimes feel a little longer. Along with the physical there is some added emotional. My grandma passed away two weeks ago and my sister-in-law is on her journey with cancer. These are hard things. This is life and sometimes it's just a little heavier. The upside is that I can still feel the flame inside myself. Sometimes I have to dig a little deeper to find the ember in the ashes, but it's there. So even though there are moments where I just need to be still, there are moments where I'm able to let my flame grow and shine. Do you guys think I should stop using metaphors? I can't seem to stop :)
Lately I've been finding myself trying to just ride the waves instead of attempting to go against them. (again with the metaphors!) I now know that sometimes I'm just going to be sad or mad or tired or feel really shitty and it's okay. I'm still going to try and not project that onto other people though. I will still try and smile. Because if I smile, then maybe they'll smile back and my bucket will get a little fuller. I am trying to just be more real about it with those close to me. Because frankly, I just don't have the energy to be something I'm not most of the time. What I don't like about this is that I still feel like I have to apologize for being so unstable. I want to say "I'm sorry", beg them to not give up on me, promise things will get better, and let them know how much I appreciate them. But since this is a common theme lately, I think if I did this every day they might throw something at me eventually. Plus, if I request you give me all of you, I should probably give you all of me. Hopefully they're thinking, "Just shut up, Ashlee, and let me be your friend!" So to my people out there, you're my safe place and I appreciate you! I'll try not to get all weird about it too often ;)
Remember how I said I'm inspired by myself? Sometimes a visual reminder of how far I've come is helpful. It's not all about how I look. I can also see how I actually felt. Though there's a smile in some, I can tell by my eyes that I'm hurting. There's some really great memories in there with my family and friends, but I can feel the sadness just looking at them. And as time goes on there are fewer pictures like this and there are a lot less gaps of photos where I'm missing from them completely because I didn't feel well enough to be there. So yay for that!
Hey!
I'm not giving up today
There's nothing getting in my way
And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again, oh
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again
Whoa oh oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh
I'm not giving up today
There's nothing getting in my way
And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again, oh
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again
Whoa oh oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh
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