it's almost ineffable.
ineffable adjective
in·ef·fa·ble
a: incapable of being expressed in words : INDESCRIBABLE
b: UNSPEAKABLE
Anything ineffable is unspeakably beautiful, moving, or horrible. It’s beyond expression. If something is so powerful or emotional that you can't even describe it, it’s ineffable.
So I left my last post a bit mysterious. It wasn't even intentional. I literally just didn't know what to say or how to explain. I still don't really. But I'm going to try.
Let’s start first by acknowledging that I do in fact have a chronic illness. Therefore, it would be common to not feel well. But here’s the deal, I’m often in denial. I grasp onto the good and try to pretend the rest doesn’t exist if at all possible. Or as we discussed earlier, I just keep the bad to myself. I keep saying, “but I’m still better than I was”. This is true. But lately, it’s been creeping a little too close to the past for comfort.
Things started shifting over the holidays. January was crap. And then I had a little spurt where I felt like things were on the up and up. I started working out again and it felt so good. Then it all came crashing down. At least that’s what it felt like to me.
This is my current reality:
I feel like someone brutally beat me and then pushed me down the stairs for good measure. But when I look in the mirror there isn’t any visual evidence of this. I just look like me. But I’m in ineffable pain. My body has also decided it hates food. Eating makes me feel terrible if I'm not extremely careful. But if I avoid eating for too long I obviously feel sick from not eating. It’s a lose-lose for sure. There’s all sorts of other unpleasant side effects like extreme fatigue, chills/cold sweats, headaches, brain fog, nausea, and on and on. I will not make you read all about it. So when I’m checking in with myself I say things like, “Well, at least I’m not short of breath right now.” ;)
So what now?
I’m working on resetting my gut while I await some labs that will take a few weeks to get back. This involves taking one million enzymes with any food I eat. Okay fine, not one million. But about 15. Once I finally get some sort of plan I’m able to focus in on what I need to do and adjust my mindset. I talked to my doctor Tuesday. Wednesday I overthought everything and Ben prodded me until I let out all those thoughts (I love that he just knows). Then by Thursday I was feeling more determined and optimistic. I got this! I already have a wealth of experience and knowledge about food for my body. I’ve been through this before. So you will see me take about an hour to eat a cup of vegetable soup. And then I will have a smoothie/shake filled with as many nutrients as I can fit in it. And apparently this will take me three hours to consume and I still might not finish it. Let’s just laugh at this ridiculousness. It’s going to take awhile, but as the days go by things will slowly improve (I hope). And if it doesn’t, I’ll try something else. I am nothing if not adaptable.
My sister-in-law recently asked me, “how are you upright?” That’s a good question. I don’t even know. I’m quite determined sometimes. And sometimes I’m a puddle. I’ve had some pretty low moments in the last two weeks. I consume plenty of cbd/cbg oil from Crested River and more Aleve than I would like to. But it helps me get through the day. There's also lots of music, mint tea, happy coffee, reading, resting, yoga, and spending time with my kids... Know what else helps? All of you! The words of encouragement, the prayers, the notes... it keeps me going. Once I actually clued in my family on how much I was suffering, they have been nothing short of incredible. Sara sent me flowers last week and every time I walk into my cube I can’t help but feel a wave of calm wash over me. They truly are a day brightener. She is going through her own health journey right now and we’ve been leaning on each other a lot. She’s incredibly inspiring and you should read her blog too! I appreciate everyone who has checked in with me this past week to see if I’m okay or to just say hi. It means a lot <3
I sometimes get asked, “what can I do?”. It’s a hard question. Mostly because I’m not great at telling people what to do, unless it’s my kids. And personally, I’m a “just do” person. Or at least I try. But there are times when you really just don’t know how to help. Because let’s be honest, you just want to take the pain away, right? But we don’t have magical wands that do that yet. So here is a list I came up with for ways to help:
Side note: As of Monday I have been working again for a full year! And in true form, my emotions surrounding it are all over the place.
Ta ta for now!
Ashlee
in·ef·fa·ble
a: incapable of being expressed in words : INDESCRIBABLE
b: UNSPEAKABLE
Anything ineffable is unspeakably beautiful, moving, or horrible. It’s beyond expression. If something is so powerful or emotional that you can't even describe it, it’s ineffable.
So I left my last post a bit mysterious. It wasn't even intentional. I literally just didn't know what to say or how to explain. I still don't really. But I'm going to try.
Let’s start first by acknowledging that I do in fact have a chronic illness. Therefore, it would be common to not feel well. But here’s the deal, I’m often in denial. I grasp onto the good and try to pretend the rest doesn’t exist if at all possible. Or as we discussed earlier, I just keep the bad to myself. I keep saying, “but I’m still better than I was”. This is true. But lately, it’s been creeping a little too close to the past for comfort.
Things started shifting over the holidays. January was crap. And then I had a little spurt where I felt like things were on the up and up. I started working out again and it felt so good. Then it all came crashing down. At least that’s what it felt like to me.
This is my current reality:
I feel like someone brutally beat me and then pushed me down the stairs for good measure. But when I look in the mirror there isn’t any visual evidence of this. I just look like me. But I’m in ineffable pain. My body has also decided it hates food. Eating makes me feel terrible if I'm not extremely careful. But if I avoid eating for too long I obviously feel sick from not eating. It’s a lose-lose for sure. There’s all sorts of other unpleasant side effects like extreme fatigue, chills/cold sweats, headaches, brain fog, nausea, and on and on. I will not make you read all about it. So when I’m checking in with myself I say things like, “Well, at least I’m not short of breath right now.” ;)
So what now?
I’m working on resetting my gut while I await some labs that will take a few weeks to get back. This involves taking one million enzymes with any food I eat. Okay fine, not one million. But about 15. Once I finally get some sort of plan I’m able to focus in on what I need to do and adjust my mindset. I talked to my doctor Tuesday. Wednesday I overthought everything and Ben prodded me until I let out all those thoughts (I love that he just knows). Then by Thursday I was feeling more determined and optimistic. I got this! I already have a wealth of experience and knowledge about food for my body. I’ve been through this before. So you will see me take about an hour to eat a cup of vegetable soup. And then I will have a smoothie/shake filled with as many nutrients as I can fit in it. And apparently this will take me three hours to consume and I still might not finish it. Let’s just laugh at this ridiculousness. It’s going to take awhile, but as the days go by things will slowly improve (I hope). And if it doesn’t, I’ll try something else. I am nothing if not adaptable.
My sister-in-law recently asked me, “how are you upright?” That’s a good question. I don’t even know. I’m quite determined sometimes. And sometimes I’m a puddle. I’ve had some pretty low moments in the last two weeks. I consume plenty of cbd/cbg oil from Crested River and more Aleve than I would like to. But it helps me get through the day. There's also lots of music, mint tea, happy coffee, reading, resting, yoga, and spending time with my kids... Know what else helps? All of you! The words of encouragement, the prayers, the notes... it keeps me going. Once I actually clued in my family on how much I was suffering, they have been nothing short of incredible. Sara sent me flowers last week and every time I walk into my cube I can’t help but feel a wave of calm wash over me. They truly are a day brightener. She is going through her own health journey right now and we’ve been leaning on each other a lot. She’s incredibly inspiring and you should read her blog too! I appreciate everyone who has checked in with me this past week to see if I’m okay or to just say hi. It means a lot <3
I sometimes get asked, “what can I do?”. It’s a hard question. Mostly because I’m not great at telling people what to do, unless it’s my kids. And personally, I’m a “just do” person. Or at least I try. But there are times when you really just don’t know how to help. Because let’s be honest, you just want to take the pain away, right? But we don’t have magical wands that do that yet. So here is a list I came up with for ways to help:
- Remind me that life is hard sometimes, but I'm going to get through this
- Send me a playlist of songs I must listen to
- Send me gifs and memes
- Show me your best dance moves
- Listen
- Just sit with me
- Invite yourself over to watch a show or movie
- Send me a book recommendation (must have a happy ending, also love witty dialogue)
- Remind me why I'm worth it
- Take my kids to do something fun, so I don't feel like a negligent, crap parent
- Make me a pitcher of celery juice (yes, I still hate juicing, but I think it might be best if I start again)
- Draw me a picture and mail it to me (yes, I also love kids drawings)
- Tell me a joke or funny story
- Just love me <3
- Pray I can be ultra productive at work everyday and survive my first tax season
- I will also accept cleaning services, but that's a lot to ask!
Side note: As of Monday I have been working again for a full year! And in true form, my emotions surrounding it are all over the place.
Ta ta for now!
Ashlee
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