blessings in disguise.
Have you ever had moments where you feel almost emotionless? You know there's this deep sadness, but it hasn't come to the surface yet and you're almost concerned as to why you're just so chill. Because you know that you're actually, in fact, an emotional person. So when will the storm hit or will it never come?
Life as we know it has been a bit off kilter lately for everyone. It's forced us all to make changes, even if temporary. Just a few weeks ago I was in the thick of work craziness and I text Ben on the verge of tears, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through another month of this". And "this" wasn't just referring to work. It was mostly referring to my body giving out on me every single day. My constant fight for survival to get through each day. Life doesn't slow down for it, it keeps going. And in the tax world, it actually ramps up during this time of year. Normally I'd be enraptured by the thrill of some of it. But instead, I just felt like I was failing miserably. If Ben would have responded with, "Well, soon we will be in the midst of a pandemic. You will work from home and the tax deadline will be pushed back. The kids will go stay with your mom, so we can both work and you can focus on your health and rest. Ultimately, life will slow down because we will all be quarantined when we aren't working." Well, I would have told him he was crazy. But that is literally what happened. So much of this has been excruciatingly hard, but the one blessing is that I've been given some space to heal. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty that my kids haven't been home with us. But that was the decision that was best for us at the time. Because the reality is that if I don't take care of myself, then I can't be there for them. That's a reality that hurts. I've experienced a lot of heartache in life. One that tops the list is sitting in therapy with my 7-year-old hearing him tell the therapist that his mom is sick, she has to rest a lot, and she can't play with him as much. But in true Suker spirit, he followed it up with, "but I get to play with my dad a lot and I love him so much!"
I've been in zombie mode for weeks now. I get up and perform all the essential tasks for the day. I try my best to be "on" when necessary and the rest of the time it's like I'm biding time until it's better. It sounds like I'm doing nothing, when I'm actually doing everything. There's a constant loop of, "Okay, what do I need to do to make this better? Should I lay down? Should I go for a walk? Should I read a book to escape? Will music help? Maybe I should talk to Ben? Do I need to FaceTime the kids? Should I take more of this? Do I need to drink more water? Maybe I just need sleep?" It's never ending. And it can't be turned off. But I kept wondering where roller coaster emotional Ashlee went. I honestly think I've been so insanely exhausted that I didn't have the energy to cry or get angry or sad. Work takes insane amounts of energy because I'm so laser focused on doing the tasks and triple checking to make sure I'm not messing up. Most times I have to have something else going to keep me focused, like an audio book, music, or show in the background. I'm not sure why that is. But I think it's like how I listen best in meetings sometimes when I can doodle at the same time. My brain works in mysterious ways. (Reminder: look up science behind this ;) There are lots of deep breaths and mantras of you can do this on replay. I'm so determined sometimes it's annoying.
I was waiting impatiently for my supplements to come so I could start the higher dose of mitochondria support as planned. Well, the shipment didn't go out right away likely due to all the crazy in the world right now. I was so miserable. I honestly was just at the end and had nothing left to give. So I decided to just take off a few days of work and start without having the other supplements. There was no point in waiting anymore since I already felt so awful I had nothing left to lose. So I started last Monday in the afternoon. I have to take 5 drops 5 times a day of the MitoATP. Good thing we have these smart phones and watches now to put reminders on for things like this. I slept 11 hours that night! And the only reason I pulled myself out of bed that next morning was so I could actually take my supplements. And then I tried to upright myself on the couch to watch some tv. Both Tuesday and Wednesday I was seriously so exhausted I didn't even want to read. So there was a lot of being horizontal those two days. Encouragement came on Wednesday when Ben told me that evening my coloring looked better... progress. I went back to work on Thursday... you know, in my dining room. It was rough, I'm not going to lie. By the afternoon I did feel a little more life come back. On Friday the rest of my supplements came. One of them was the one I've been missing for months. It was bizarre how excited I was about it. I visualized light beams coming out of the box as I opened it! The last few days have been less than stellar. I've been so achy. I can feel my muscles withering away. But I keep telling myself, "It's fine, Ashlee. It's going to be fine. You can get them back. Your saggy butt is temporary. You've done it before, you can do it again." It's just weird for someone who likes to move to have such a hard time moving. There has been no dancing lately, only in my mind. I've had a few spurts of "okay" though. They are always welcomed! And then Ben reminds me, "don't overdo it!". He's so smart. Because often within the hour of his reminder I'm like, "ugh, I need to go lay down". My appetite has been questionable. Honestly, if it weren't for CBD/CBG oil I probably wouldn't be able to eat some days. I get these spurts where I go from 'not hungry, nothing sounds good' to 'I need to eat right now or I'm going to pass out'. And then I have to decipher what in the world I can eat that won't make matters worse. I may or may not have had this grand idea the other night to make gluten-free pasta with meat sauce. Both food categories I haven't had in at least a month. It just sounded SO good. Since it was a rare occurrence for something to sound good to eat I took it as a sign to go through with it. So yes, I did make this and I did eat it. It was like heaven in a bowl. And then I had leftovers. And now my gut is very angry with me. And I've had a hard time falling asleep the last two nights because of it. Self-inflicted pain, my friends!
This all brings me to today. Today is apparently the day when my emotions come to the surface and release. This morning I no longer felt numb. Instead, I just cried for half the morning. Mostly because holy crap I miss the kids. My mom is currently doing all the things that I'm supposed to be doing with them. Today was day 1 of distance learning. I should have been dealing with Theodore's rage about not wanting to do his school work this morning. It's a little strange getting to a point where you're also sad about missing the screaming matches. I'm sure I will soon forget this when they are home again and I want to pull my hair out. But hopefully I can take a step back and remind myself how grateful I am. Because above all else, they insert so much joy into my life!
There are good things that have happened during this difficult time though. As much as there has been guilt and sadness about the kids being gone, there has also been a sense of relief. Which sounds terrible out of context. But there has been relief in that when I shut down my computer at the end of the work day I can go and rest and not feel guilty about it. There is no one else here to take care of or try to be better for. My only duty is to take care of myself during that time. I can hardly even have FOMO right now since everyone else is quarantined in their homes too. The kids have been making oodles of memories with grandma and their cousins. There have been so many giggles over the phone and in their videos. It actually made me think about the summer I went and stayed with my grandparents for a whole week. It was seriously the best and I cherish those memories so much. My grandparents had so many kids and grand kids it was rare to have one-on-one time with them. But we got that one week and it was so special. My grandma taught me to quilt, we played lots of card games, watched Wheel of Fortune every night from the hide-a-bed, and wandered around the farm. I truly do think they'll remember this forever. Ben and I have had time together, which usually only happens if we go on vacation or actually pay for a sitter. This is no magical vacation since I'm a bit of a turd right now, but we made the best of it. Thankfully, he still occasionally laughs at my bad jokes. Sometimes we just sat in silence. Like actual silence. We could have a conversation without interruption. Ben got time to himself to just recharge. We watched a few comedy specials on Netflix to lighten the day. We had a few virtual happy hours with family and friends. On Sunday Ben asked me to be a test model for some flash photography he wanted to try. The best part was that I was required to lay and be still. Perfect, I can do that right now!
In a few days the kids will be home again and Monday we will start our new routine. I'm trying to not think of the days left as a ticking clock of... you have three days to feel better. I will try my best to soak up the silence and enjoy the time with Ben. I actually think the release valve on my emotions is a good sign. I might be turning into a human again (cue music).
Please continue to keep Sara in your prayers. Chemo is hard and her immune system is compromised, which is especially scary right now.
Cheers, friends! Love you all.
p.s. Here is my moment as a test model. I told Ben in one of the photos I looked dead. So I'm now ready for my acting career as the dead victim on CSI: Miami.
Photo Credit: B. North Photography (FB Page)
Life as we know it has been a bit off kilter lately for everyone. It's forced us all to make changes, even if temporary. Just a few weeks ago I was in the thick of work craziness and I text Ben on the verge of tears, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through another month of this". And "this" wasn't just referring to work. It was mostly referring to my body giving out on me every single day. My constant fight for survival to get through each day. Life doesn't slow down for it, it keeps going. And in the tax world, it actually ramps up during this time of year. Normally I'd be enraptured by the thrill of some of it. But instead, I just felt like I was failing miserably. If Ben would have responded with, "Well, soon we will be in the midst of a pandemic. You will work from home and the tax deadline will be pushed back. The kids will go stay with your mom, so we can both work and you can focus on your health and rest. Ultimately, life will slow down because we will all be quarantined when we aren't working." Well, I would have told him he was crazy. But that is literally what happened. So much of this has been excruciatingly hard, but the one blessing is that I've been given some space to heal. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty that my kids haven't been home with us. But that was the decision that was best for us at the time. Because the reality is that if I don't take care of myself, then I can't be there for them. That's a reality that hurts. I've experienced a lot of heartache in life. One that tops the list is sitting in therapy with my 7-year-old hearing him tell the therapist that his mom is sick, she has to rest a lot, and she can't play with him as much. But in true Suker spirit, he followed it up with, "but I get to play with my dad a lot and I love him so much!"
I've been in zombie mode for weeks now. I get up and perform all the essential tasks for the day. I try my best to be "on" when necessary and the rest of the time it's like I'm biding time until it's better. It sounds like I'm doing nothing, when I'm actually doing everything. There's a constant loop of, "Okay, what do I need to do to make this better? Should I lay down? Should I go for a walk? Should I read a book to escape? Will music help? Maybe I should talk to Ben? Do I need to FaceTime the kids? Should I take more of this? Do I need to drink more water? Maybe I just need sleep?" It's never ending. And it can't be turned off. But I kept wondering where roller coaster emotional Ashlee went. I honestly think I've been so insanely exhausted that I didn't have the energy to cry or get angry or sad. Work takes insane amounts of energy because I'm so laser focused on doing the tasks and triple checking to make sure I'm not messing up. Most times I have to have something else going to keep me focused, like an audio book, music, or show in the background. I'm not sure why that is. But I think it's like how I listen best in meetings sometimes when I can doodle at the same time. My brain works in mysterious ways. (Reminder: look up science behind this ;) There are lots of deep breaths and mantras of you can do this on replay. I'm so determined sometimes it's annoying.
I was waiting impatiently for my supplements to come so I could start the higher dose of mitochondria support as planned. Well, the shipment didn't go out right away likely due to all the crazy in the world right now. I was so miserable. I honestly was just at the end and had nothing left to give. So I decided to just take off a few days of work and start without having the other supplements. There was no point in waiting anymore since I already felt so awful I had nothing left to lose. So I started last Monday in the afternoon. I have to take 5 drops 5 times a day of the MitoATP. Good thing we have these smart phones and watches now to put reminders on for things like this. I slept 11 hours that night! And the only reason I pulled myself out of bed that next morning was so I could actually take my supplements. And then I tried to upright myself on the couch to watch some tv. Both Tuesday and Wednesday I was seriously so exhausted I didn't even want to read. So there was a lot of being horizontal those two days. Encouragement came on Wednesday when Ben told me that evening my coloring looked better... progress. I went back to work on Thursday... you know, in my dining room. It was rough, I'm not going to lie. By the afternoon I did feel a little more life come back. On Friday the rest of my supplements came. One of them was the one I've been missing for months. It was bizarre how excited I was about it. I visualized light beams coming out of the box as I opened it! The last few days have been less than stellar. I've been so achy. I can feel my muscles withering away. But I keep telling myself, "It's fine, Ashlee. It's going to be fine. You can get them back. Your saggy butt is temporary. You've done it before, you can do it again." It's just weird for someone who likes to move to have such a hard time moving. There has been no dancing lately, only in my mind. I've had a few spurts of "okay" though. They are always welcomed! And then Ben reminds me, "don't overdo it!". He's so smart. Because often within the hour of his reminder I'm like, "ugh, I need to go lay down". My appetite has been questionable. Honestly, if it weren't for CBD/CBG oil I probably wouldn't be able to eat some days. I get these spurts where I go from 'not hungry, nothing sounds good' to 'I need to eat right now or I'm going to pass out'. And then I have to decipher what in the world I can eat that won't make matters worse. I may or may not have had this grand idea the other night to make gluten-free pasta with meat sauce. Both food categories I haven't had in at least a month. It just sounded SO good. Since it was a rare occurrence for something to sound good to eat I took it as a sign to go through with it. So yes, I did make this and I did eat it. It was like heaven in a bowl. And then I had leftovers. And now my gut is very angry with me. And I've had a hard time falling asleep the last two nights because of it. Self-inflicted pain, my friends!
This all brings me to today. Today is apparently the day when my emotions come to the surface and release. This morning I no longer felt numb. Instead, I just cried for half the morning. Mostly because holy crap I miss the kids. My mom is currently doing all the things that I'm supposed to be doing with them. Today was day 1 of distance learning. I should have been dealing with Theodore's rage about not wanting to do his school work this morning. It's a little strange getting to a point where you're also sad about missing the screaming matches. I'm sure I will soon forget this when they are home again and I want to pull my hair out. But hopefully I can take a step back and remind myself how grateful I am. Because above all else, they insert so much joy into my life!
There are good things that have happened during this difficult time though. As much as there has been guilt and sadness about the kids being gone, there has also been a sense of relief. Which sounds terrible out of context. But there has been relief in that when I shut down my computer at the end of the work day I can go and rest and not feel guilty about it. There is no one else here to take care of or try to be better for. My only duty is to take care of myself during that time. I can hardly even have FOMO right now since everyone else is quarantined in their homes too. The kids have been making oodles of memories with grandma and their cousins. There have been so many giggles over the phone and in their videos. It actually made me think about the summer I went and stayed with my grandparents for a whole week. It was seriously the best and I cherish those memories so much. My grandparents had so many kids and grand kids it was rare to have one-on-one time with them. But we got that one week and it was so special. My grandma taught me to quilt, we played lots of card games, watched Wheel of Fortune every night from the hide-a-bed, and wandered around the farm. I truly do think they'll remember this forever. Ben and I have had time together, which usually only happens if we go on vacation or actually pay for a sitter. This is no magical vacation since I'm a bit of a turd right now, but we made the best of it. Thankfully, he still occasionally laughs at my bad jokes. Sometimes we just sat in silence. Like actual silence. We could have a conversation without interruption. Ben got time to himself to just recharge. We watched a few comedy specials on Netflix to lighten the day. We had a few virtual happy hours with family and friends. On Sunday Ben asked me to be a test model for some flash photography he wanted to try. The best part was that I was required to lay and be still. Perfect, I can do that right now!
In a few days the kids will be home again and Monday we will start our new routine. I'm trying to not think of the days left as a ticking clock of... you have three days to feel better. I will try my best to soak up the silence and enjoy the time with Ben. I actually think the release valve on my emotions is a good sign. I might be turning into a human again (cue music).
Please continue to keep Sara in your prayers. Chemo is hard and her immune system is compromised, which is especially scary right now.
Cheers, friends! Love you all.
p.s. Here is my moment as a test model. I told Ben in one of the photos I looked dead. So I'm now ready for my acting career as the dead victim on CSI: Miami.
Photo Credit: B. North Photography (FB Page)
p.p.s. #reallife
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