snapshot.

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It’s been one of those days where I want to crawl out of my skin and find something more comfortable to be in. The pain runs into my bones and it’s just so heavy. Try as I might, I can’t escape it taking over my thoughts. I’ve been through this time and time again. And even though I want to fight it or force some way around it, it’s just not the right thing to do for me. I’ve learned that the hard way. I just have to sit with it. And then I have to work through not worrying about everything I think I should be doing right now. But this is just a snapshot. It’s a day in a year. Tomorrow will be a new one. It might be just as painful, but no two days are replicas. I’ve decided that’s something to look forward to. The rollercoaster might do a flip for all I know. And the day isn’t even over, there might be a relief button moment.

Despite this pesky day, I’ve had a string of good ones in the last week. I can feel myself turning a corner of sorts. I get a burst of energy or a sense of calm here and there. I feel myself being pleasant to be around. Yes, I mean I actually think... wow, I’m kind of pleasant right now... I’m not putting on a brave face or trying to be normal... I just am myself (not normal, still a bit weird :). Those are the best snapshots. A few days ago I danced around my living room as one does. I really like just getting lost in music and letting my body just feel it. I take these rare moments my body lets me have and just go with it. I recorded it and posted one on TikTok and then promptly took it off TikTok later, obviously. I still have the videos though and I watched one of them today a few times. I just couldn’t look away from that version of myself. She just looks so full of joy and content in the moment. I so badly want to be that version of myself all the time. But I will take any snippets I get of it. And it’s been refreshing to see a few more come about recently. I notice this the most with the kids. I can always tell in how they look at me. I know they know. It’s the simplest things that make me feel whole again. It’s spelling words at the supper table, reading sight words over and over, making the kids ten million snacks (Theodore hardly stops eating), just being me and having Theodore ask, “what are you doing, mom?!” (I’m going to have the ‘embarrass your child’ thing on lock), and just having great conversation with people. 

There’s times when I want to just tell someone how terrible I feel in a moment and I so very rarely do. I figure there’s no sense in putting them in a position of thinking of something to respond with. I could tell yesterday afternoon everything was starting to spiral. Do you ever just want to break into a sob and for no good reason? Or just start rambling and panic when you can’t talk your way back out of the hole you just dug? I had just hoped a good night of sleep would end it. But here we are. In bed. Writing my thoughts. 

Onto the next moment... and whatever it may bring.

Love and hugs,

Ash


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