depends on the hour.

If you were to ask me how things are going, I would say it depends on the hour. Overall I do feel I'm going in the right direction. But if you catch me at a different hour I might feel like the misery will never end. If I also insert a lame joke with my sentiments you'll know that everything will be okay. As many of you know, my husband is awesome. I'm reminded of this daily with even just the simplest of gestures. I probably don't tell him enough how much they mean to me and that they don't go unnoticed. He has a way of making me laugh no matter how down I am. He also has a way of snapping me out of whatever planet I'm lost on and brings me to the present. I realize we've been together for a very long time so it makes sense he knows me so well. But sometimes I feel so incredibly complicated that I'm not sure a manual could even be written if I tried. Yet somehow, he can read me and finish my sentences. This was all on my mind because just this morning I thought, "Why is he so patient with me? I'm such an a-hole sometimes!". He would likely tell me that it's because I'm wonderful in many ways as well and we all have our moments or something like that. We often have discussions about how I have unrealistic standards for myself. One day he said, "Seriously, what ARE your standards?!" I didn't even have a great response. I just remember I was crying a lot because I felt like I was falling short on something at work. You know, probably something that likely only I really cared that much about. Completely logical to be upset about. Basically, he keeps me grounded, makes life more fun, and deserves a shout out because of it! (my kids do too)

If you haven't read my previous blog post, you may not know what the heck I'm talking about next. Feel free to skim the last few paragraphs of it here to get the gist of what I'm referencing. My first round of treatment has been less than fun so far and there's still a long road ahead. The first few times I took it, I would feel terrible for about four days before going back to a more manageable state. My body experiences a series of side effects as the concoction works to kill the infection and get it out of my system. The days include a series of intense head pressure where you feel like maybe you're drowning or you're a balloon that's about to pop, chills, extreme fatigue, acute pain that travels around to different areas (often starts with my hips/sciatica and shoots pain down my legs, then it will affect my neck/shoulders, and just takes turns all over), stomach pain, digestion issues, feeling like I have a cold (runny nose, sore throat, etc), restless/hard to focus, anxiety, depression, and just over-emotional. By the time the symptoms calm down a bit I have to take it again. I'm supposed to work my way from 5 days to 4 to 3, etc. in between each dose until I get to taking it daily. It's been about 6 weeks or so and this last dose I got down to three days in between. So sadly I'm not to my daily mark yet like originally planned.

It's hard not to get down about this, but the other day I thought about what I'd say to someone in my shoes. I would say that it's more important to listen to your body and respect the time it needs to heal. It's not a race, even though you so badly want to get to the finish line. You're doing amazing. You're so strong and your perseverance is so admirable and inspiring. Give yourself grace. Let people help you. It's okay to be vulnerable. That's what I would say to my friend. And that's what I should say to myself even though it's not easy for me to do. Besides all the obvious things that make it a difficult process as listed above. I really dislike how irritable it makes me. I don't like being impatient with my family. They don't deserve that. So then I have these moments of guilt afterwards about being shite to them when I didn't mean to. There are so many days when I just want to hide in my bed just because everything feels so hard. But then I also grapple with how badly I want to do ten million other things with my time. Typically on day one I get this weird restlessness where I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so wiped out yet I can't sit still so I have to keep myself busy with things that don't require too much energy. Because laying around thinking about all the things I wish you could do is so aggravating. So at least if I can busy myself I don't have the opportunity to do that. The good news is that I am making progress even if it's at a slower pace than I wanted. Some of the side effects aren't as strong and the length of time has shortened. This tells me that there is less infection prevalent and I just need to keep going! Then we will be onto Round 2. But let's just focus on the present ;)

The note to takeaway from this post is that whatever someone is going through I can assure you at some point they are thinking about what they are not. Take a moment to remind them what they are. Better yet, permanent marker it onto something so they can’t erase it. Even if they don’t want to hear it or believe it in that moment, I can guarantee you they will replay what you said later. And it might be that one thing that keeps them going!

All my love to my readers out there!

<3 Ash