Depression.

I recently wrote a post on social media essentially asking for help because I've been feeling low. When I wrote that last post I didn’t anticipate how it might strike a cord with people. I was having a moment, well basically a tough day, and just wanted to share. There’s so much more to be said about mental health that’s not often shared. We skim the surface and if you’re like me and you’ll say it in passing then follow up with a bad joke or an ‘I’ll be fine’. I mean I might be fine, but sometimes I worry I won’t. Because here’s the thing about depression I didn’t go further into discussing... If you fall into that dark place, you have to hope there’s some part of your brain that’s loud enough to say, “this isn’t you, don’t do anything stupid”. Because it engulfs you. There isn’t always a “just go read a book” “go for a walk” “call someone” or any sort of reasoning happening. Or you try those things and you’re still numb to it. You’re so deep into it that there isn’t a light to grasp. You want your life to end. There, I said it. It’s the ugly, awful truth. I read awhile back there’s a thing called passive suicidal thoughts. This means you think about it, ways it could be done, but you’ll likely never act on it. But then I wondered at what point does it cross over where it’s not passive anymore? The first few times these thoughts happened for me it was scary as shit, once I came out of it enough to know what was happening. In the moment it seems like it might be the better choice. But I’m thankful that I had a loud enough voice saying something, anything. Sometimes I can’t come up with anything except… ‘Ben is going to be fucking pissed at you!’ And well I have a fear of disappointing anyone so I clung to that for as long as necessary. And I swear to you, when you balance back out… this all seems unfathomable. Like what?! How did I even think those things? Was that real? Wow, I’m so glad I snapped out of that. 

Maybe some of you can relate and maybe some of you have absolutely no concept. I didn’t understand it until I experienced it myself. I also never had anyone explain it to me. Every person and their experience is unique. But so far in my experiences I was never in my right mind. And I think of all those souls that lost the battle. In most cases we will never know what they went through. They never shared it. Because we think that sharing that darkness is something to be greatly ashamed of. We feel like if we tell that story people will think we are crazy. They will label us and toss us aside. And likely, we just don’t want people worrying about us. There are enough things in this world to worry about, let’s not add stress. If you know someone who struggles… I encourage you to try and discuss this with them. See if they will share what it’s like for them. How can you be there for them? Is there a code word? What is reassuring for them? They need to know they are worth it! All of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly! 

True story: The other day I was crying in bed. Ben came in and all I could get out verbally at first was… “I feel like a vase just sitting on a shelf”. It took me a few moments to say that out loud, but I did it. And then he made a comment about how sometimes I’m also a really fun vase which got me to giggle a bit. And reminded me it’s okay to be sad. Feelings are good. It’s okay to cry. We’ll get through it. 

He didn’t always know how to help me through… it took work and communication to figure it out. Because often times I’m not even sure what my needs are. But I think I’ve discovered it’s acknowledgement that it does suck, validation that feelings are okay, and just comfort and presence… knowing whoever is with me isn’t leaving until I’m okay.