20 years and counting...

I've likely told the story of Ben and I about a million times. I know for certain I fumbled through it at our wedding. I said I wasn't going to talk at our wedding and then I did on a whim and it was... terrible. But I do things like that, just go in unprepared from time to time and ramble. But Ben... he did not go in unprepared. He wrote an incredibly magical speech. I only wish we had a video of it or even a written copy of it, but we don't. So I'm just going to stand by my statement that it was incredible because I have nothing to prove otherwise.

I read a lot of romance novels, probably too many. I really like the ones that have witty dialogue between the characters. I think Ben and I's story could actually be a pretty decent book. I'm not saying it would be a best-seller, but I'd read it!  First off, I have some incredible emails from back in the day which would add for some fun reading. What makes them even better is the fact that Ben did not fall short in the subject line category. Sure, there are some just called 'hey' but then there are others called things like 'cooler than the other side of the pillow' and 'my cats breath smells like cat food'. And the contents of these emails aren't necessarily riveting, we often just wrote about our days. But sometimes there are things like this, "God we are losers, at home on a Friday night, wow, we suck, i never aksed you how u got the name ladybug131324... how did u get that name?... were u high at the time of creation?". I'm now curious how I responded to this question. I should see if Ben has my response email. When I write my rom-com about us I'll be sure to get those response emails. I should also note that 'aksed' was an intentional misspelling.

We have been together for 20 years, plus some odd months where we were internet friends. These years have been filled with lots of magic and lots of heartache. You all already know a lot of what we've gone through in the last decade since I've written about it quite a bit. I was looking back on 2021 and we had some really fun adventures together. I could take any year and think of lots of wonderful things. Because that's what Ben does. He brings so much joy to my life. I'd be lying if I said there weren't any hardships throughout this year. I think I experienced more bad depression episodes than I have since I first became really sick. But what I discovered in my reflection is how amazing Ben has become at navigating them with me. This was not always the case. We've been through a lot of trial and error. Lots of miscommunication. Lots of tears on my part. Lots of silence on Ben's part. But I think we've figured out a rhythm. It's become the year of acceptance in a way. Accepting that this is our life and we will make the best of it. I always want to be better, but Ben thinks I'm enough the way I am. I struggle often times to feel deserving of this. I often feel like I only take from this family. I'm good at making up stories in my head and that statement is not true. One thing we've also learned this year is that Violet is a lot like me. Okay, fine, this isn't necessarily new information. But I mean in a way of how to help her with her emotions. She needs Ben like I need Ben when I'm in a funk. He just knows how to bring her back to herself. I find this fascinating to watch from the outside. It's magic. I think in part I've also just become better at knowing what I need and saying it out loud. Not always, but I have my moments. It usually includes crying, hugging, and talking. And during the talking Ben will likely make an inappropriate joke to make me laugh and/or he'll say something endearing that makes me fall in love with him over and over again. A few months ago I was feeling down and then I entered the cycle where I feel even worse about being down because I know it's affecting other people. I made a statement about this to Ben about how I'm such a downer and I feel so bad for him and who knows what else I said. He looked at me and said, "Loving you is the easiest thing I do every day". There was no hesitation, he said it as a hard fact. And then I thought, 'why does he say things that are straight out of romance novels? This is real life!' But apparently I live in a more realistic romance novel.

————

So cheers to 14 years of marriage, Benjamin Suker! I like doing life with you. We’re raising two little humans that bring out the best in us and sometimes the worst in us. We’ve learned how to balance each other in this gig called parenting. We make time for each other and time for ourselves. I’m so happy you were on Nick Novotny’s MSN messenger that day all those years ago! Love you <3

circa Oct. 2005