your needs are important.

About three months ago I started working with a new therapist. She was highly recommended by my doctor... over two years ago. At the time I was already working with someone, but it was a somewhat different approach. I figured it was worth a try. Well, there was a waitlist. And in order to get on the waitlist you had to fill out the paperwork. I received said paperwork and then let it sit on my desk for awhile. Long enough to fall to the bottom of a pile. I eventually filled out this paperwork and mailed it in. They called and said the wait was a YEAR! Alrighty, folks. Just put me on the list. About 13-14 months after I got on that list the clinic called me and asked if I still wanted to see her. Yup! Let's do it! "Okay, ma'am, her next opening is in 3.5 months." Right, yup, sure, I might be delivering a baby, but just sign me up. I'll interject this story to add that my previous therapist, whom I came to adore, stopped doing therapy sessions this past Spring so she could go and mold young minds. The only reason I was as accepting of this news is because I knew without a doubt she would have immense impact on many many students. And then those students would go on to be great therapists, which we definitely need. She gave me a referral upon her departure, so I did my due diligence and made that happen while I was hanging out on that waitlist. I don't know if you know this or not, but it was an eventful year, so having a therapist handy was a must. What I will say about this interim therapist was that it was "fine". Which means I had a few sessions that were good and some that were meh and I felt like I was just going through the motions. And I don't like that feeling. One session I actually called it off part way through and said I had nothing else to say. The thing about that is MOST of the time my therapists have to tell me to shut up because we are out of time. So I'm just going to guess that we weren't the best fit. Now, back to the present. I did make it to that first appointment... still pregnant. But barely. Otis had already been trying to make a grand entrance at that point. But I mean I think it's probably best to just start out therapy at a really low point, so that all you can do is go up from there. And then we somehow managed to work in all the unexpected chaos around my appointments and I didn't have to cancel one. How that worked out, I will never know.

One of my therapist's main focuses is trauma and working through that trauma. She uses somatic healing and a bodywork technique. Even though I've seen her a handful of times now we haven't gotten too far into the bodywork part yet. Because well, there's been a lot to talk about I guess. The tricky part about starting over is that there's a lot of history to fill in. But rather than dive into a linear timeline, we're kind of just taking things as they come. And if you've met Ben, he will tell you I'm known to get off topic during story time. Or rather, I give extra context ;) This is actually important for therapy purposes, so it's fine. I'm just going to say that therapy is really hard work. And unfortunately there is no end to it. Because life keeps going and doesn't get easier. Apparently I have many triggers, so I'm working to overcome that so my body doesn't get stressed out so easily. This past week as I was talking she had me pause for a moment and say to myself, "My needs are important.". It's a very simple statement that has a big impact. Seems like it's really obvious and would be rather easy to see through. But, it's not.

I know I'm not alone in this. But I have become proficient in reading the room and then adapting myself to that room. Though often times my energy is definitely not up to par, so I'm probably trying to find a way to escape that room or become a chameleon if it's feeling a bit tense or too upbeat. I just can't match that or elevate it. Point of my story...am I thinking about what I need? Heck no. I'm thinking about what other people need. The issue with this is that whether you have a chronic illness or not you hit many roadblocks in this approach and often just end up hurting yourself more than anything. So my therapist was onto something when she made me say to myself that my needs are important. And since that day I've continued to repeat it many times throughout the day. The only problem is that sometimes I just don't know what I need. Well, actually, it's sleep. That's usually the answer. This also requires me to be able to relax and not let my thoughts spiral so I can actually fall asleep. And for three children to not need me and so on ;)

2023 is going to be the year of many things. And one of those things is figuring out what I need. I could include a whole list of all the things I'm doing right now to try and unveil that. But for today, therapy is all that we'll discuss. 

My friends, go forth and remember that "Your needs are important." Put it on a pretty sticky note if you need to. Or let me know if you need a reminder. I'll text it to you ;)

Stay tuned for more cliff notes of 2023 by yours truly!

Ash-face