life update.

well. it's been a hot minute since I've written on here. I've contemplated it numerous times and either talked myself out of it or just couldn't find the time. It turns out that adding a baby to the mix takes away free time... who knew!? ;) We love our little Otis though and he's worth all that time. Just the other morning as I was getting ready I watched Ben, Theodore, and Violet rush into Otis's room because they heard him waking up and couldn’t wait to see him. I paused for a moment to absorb how wonderful it is that he brings so much extra joy. 6 months later and the kids still think he's all that and a bag of chips! School has come to an end for the year. Theodore is actually quite sad about it and I think Violet is too. Though they do have some fun summer adventures to look forward to. Theodore and Ben are off on a road trip together and Violet is at Camp Patterson for a week to jumpstart summer. I will be hanging with the littlest man and working. I'm looking forward to our time together.

Otis just learned how to sit and he LOVES it!

Violet getting settled into her bunk at Camp Patterson

Theodore living his best life out on the road with dad

I'll try to summarize a few other tidbits here on my health. By summary I mean I'll try to make it shorter than a full novel, but it will still likely be long, so buckle up!

Overall it's been a mix of finding some balance, but also not short on frustrations. When I jumped back into work mid-February, tax season was fully underway. So I went from being at home momming and recovering to working a lot while still momming and recovering. It was... interesting. At first I did okay with keeping up and taking care of myself. As time went on I slowly started to feel like I was drowning. So by the end I was very ready for work to calm down a bit. After it was done I got sick with a virus of some sort and lost my voice for a few days. So that was a fun reward! 

Thankfully, Ben had planned a trip for the two of us at the end of April. I told him to surprise me! So the morning we left I just got in the car and away we went. We ended up in Galena, Illinois and I absolutely loved it immediately! It was the very ashlee-est weekend getaway. We tried a new coffee shop each day. Walked the streets and wandered shops. Ate delicious food. Found gluten-free treats I could eat. Slept in. Napped. Frolicked with goats. Watched a sunset. And took a tour of an old house. Overall it was a nice reset for us.

Honestly, Vacation Ashlee is a whole vibe. It's an experience.

<3

Frolicking with goats as mentioned. It looks like I probably had a conversation with this one!

It's not a vacation without a sunset together.

I will rewind a bit to the beginning of the year. When I was pregnant with Otis I had gestational diabetes. This is obviously common in pregnancies, but was still a surprise for me since I hadn't had it previously with T&V. But a whole lot has happened with my health since those sweet babies. After working with the diabetes nurse and monitoring we discovered I was actually having more hypoglycemic events or at least dropping enough that my body was perceiving it that way. So I actually had to be better about my glucose intake to keep it more level. After I had Otis this continued, so I kept a monitor for a few months. A week or so after I had Otis my mom got me a Bemer mat. This uses a pulsed electromagnetic field (PEMF) technology to stimulate and increase blood flow. Turns out it actually helps. I just have to remember to use it daily. I was referred to an endocrinologist to investigate why I was having low glucose events. It took months to get in. Then I saw her and the conclusion was that I needed to have a severe hypo event and come in at that time to get blood work to help identify what was happening. Well... I never had one that met the low criteria I needed to go in and get blood drawn. So that was a dead end. I stopped wearing my monitor and just paid attention to my own body cues for when I needed glucose.

Some days went like this even with my attempts to eat and it was maddening.

During that same time I also met with my EDS doctor. She had me do a test to see how fast food moved through my stomach (gastric emptying test) and also an upright MRI. I think I discussed this in a previous post. It was identified that food moves very quickly through my stomach... borderline dumping syndrome. So this likely correlates with the hypoglycemic events. I was then referred to a neurological GI doctor which I would have to wait a few months to get in to see. It's very likely I have some PTSD from doctor visits in my life. I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm always incredibly open-minded seeing all these specialists. I do try my best though. Despite best efforts I wasn't feeling very optimistic going into this visit. Partially because I didn't get the doctor I had wanted and had to take the only open one they had from the list she gave me. The conclusion was that I do a SIBO test (I've had issues with SIBO numerous times, starting back in 2018), an upper endoscopy, and colonoscopy. I was also met with a "it's not urgent to do these tests, you've already been dealing with these issues for years". I would like to use some colorful words here, but we'll go with an 'insert eye roll'. After a month of being on backorder I just got the SIBO test in the mail. So I will perform that test at home soon and get that sent off. My scopes are scheduled for August. Once upon a time I actually had a scope scheduled here in town. At that time my anxiety was so bad about the whole ordeal I cancelled it. This time I'm determined to push through and get it over with. As you can see it's a nightmare getting these freaking appointments. It's maddening. I was on the phone with them recently for over 30 minutes trying to schedule a follow-up appointment. There was nothing available. And they keep sending me letters to schedule my follow-up appointment. Fun times.

This is what I had to eat for my gastric emptying test. I do NOT like eggs, so this was brutal for me.

I continue to do my parasite cleanse that I've been working on for months. I did take a little break at the end of tax season because I felt like I might not make it otherwise. I have about a month or so left to go. One of the meds I take on the full moon and new moon. The medicine tastes awful and I have to take three doses of it within a 24-hour span. And then I feel awful for the next 48 hours during the die off. I also have two parasite supplements and another medication that I rotate through. So the sentiment "it feels like something is dying inside of me" is actually a factual statement. It literally feels like that. But after the toxins actually pass through my system I feel SOOO much better. It's a continual cycle though. My stomach just feels gross all the time. I often feel bloated and heavy. I hate my clothes. Nothing feels good on me right now. I'm aware I'm not huge, but it feels that way and it sucks. I have numerous tricks to at least attempt to feel decent. I've found castor oil packs to be very helpful for me. Trust me, I'm always skeptical going into these things, but you never know until you try. I also have found putting baking soda in water gives me some relief. I continue to drink electrolytes and magnesium daily as well.

Motivational Socks

As far as my upright MRI results go there wasn't any craniosacral instability noted. So that part is good. There are signs of mild degeneration, some dorsal bulging and mild ventral cord flattening. Not much can be done about that. I just need to not do anything jarring because my neck can't handle it. So no more roller coasters, bumper cars, and my dream of bungee jumping off a bridge is out. You think I'm joking, but I so badly wanted to do it when we were in Oregon two summers ago. I watched other people jump off in amazement and was ready to join in, but knew it would destroy me so I had to walk away. My head thanks me for giving it full support ;) (it's okay, you can laugh at my jokes)

All dressed up for my Upright MRI

I'm still doing physical therapy regularly. I went on a hiatus for a bit because I just couldn't fit it in and was insanely overwhelmed by it. As you can see... this is a theme in this post. Sad news bears. BUT, I finally did some exercises this past week. I'm going to figure this out folks, I swear it. Since having Otis I've been having subluxations more regularly. It's basically a partial dislocation. It happens the most with my wrists, occasionally my knees and hips. I've had it happen in other areas, but not as often. The wrist situation is aggravating. I have days at work where I can't freaking use the packaging tape dispenser without hurting myself. One day I had like 20 envelopes to tape and my wrist/fingers just kept locking up. I about threw the tape dispenser and cried. I did not that time, I persevered. But sadly it's not uncommon for me to throw things in frustration. The other day it happened multiple times with my wrist... grabbing a container out of the cupboard, trying to lift my backpack, I can't remember what the other instances there were, but they were stupid. I have to be very careful when I'm picking up and holding Otis to make sure I'm supporting him with my arm or hip or something else. During maternity leave I was in continuous pain from caring for him. Going back to work actually gave me some reprieve from that. Anyhow, wearing a brace IS an option, but it also won't make it better. It will just contribute to them staying weak and it continuing to happen. So with physical therapy we are working to strengthen my muscles to prevent subluxations. I just have to actually do the exercises regularly. Crazy, right? You have to actually do the work. On a positive note, I’ve been able to get in some longer walks and they feel pretty good!

The book we are following for PT

So this theme throughout where I went on a hiatus from everything because I was falling apart. I realized one day that there were some supplements I ran out of that I never reordered but I was like meh, they probably aren't doing anything. Also, the amount of pills was an entire meal and I got tired of it. Turns out they were actually helping. I started taking them again a few weeks ago and noticed a difference within a week. Ben can probably attest to this. He notices subtle changes in me the most of anyone. Sometimes before I even do. Just yesterday I also realized I needed to get one of those pill tracker apps, because if I get off on one dose it's a whole domino effect. Most days I have at least 6 separate times I have to take pills because certain ones can't be taken at the same time. It's a whole thing.

It's a meal.

I know there are more things I'm forgetting at the moment. But the most prominent thing in my life right now besides my family and health... is dealing with grief. Two people I care about dearly passed away this past month. I continually have the urge to talk to them and then remember I can't.

My therapist continues to be one of my favorite people. I see her bi-weekly and it keeps me going. I think it's probably hard to shock a therapist, they hear a lot of shit. But I think the other day I actually shocked her with my newest life tragedy. I'm with her though, it doesn't seem real.

I'm trying my best to keep it together and stay positive. I've been dealing with a deep rooted exhaustion that just feels so heavy. I can actually feel it in my bones. This is probably hard to understand. I guess the most common thing I can compare it to is when you have a high fever and you don't want to leave the bed because you can't function, everything just hurts. That's my current day and I'm miserable. Again, trying to keep moving and focus on happy things, but it's hard. Especially when everything piles up and then I get anxious because things aren't getting done, but I'm having a hard time getting them done because I feel so terrible. It's a bad cycle. I can only hope that this is just due to my current med and when I cycle off, next week will be better.

Love,

Ash