WHEN THINGS FALL APART: PART 2

CLEAN MARGINS & CLEAR PERSPECTIVES

Surgery was a month ago, and I couldn’t imagine things going much better.  As expected, the first week was the roughest.  Ashlee & I were grateful my parents stayed a couple days post surgery, then Miki took Otis for a few days so I didn’t have to worry about lifting him.  The swelling & pain never got too bad and I was able to manage with ibuprofen and an antibiotic to prevent infection.  It drained serosanguinous fluid from day 7-28 or so, but that’s to be expected.  We’ve now had 3 follow ups with the surgeon and the nearly 8 inch scar on my back is healing well, but very numb.  The cut under my left armpit is looking great, but both are tight.

Ready for surgery!

One month scar progress!

There were a couple spots on my lymph node that the pathologist wanted an expert to look at, which took an extra couple of weeks.  But we got the report, and both the margins around the mole and the sentinel lymph node came back negative, which was the most likely scenario and also GREAT news.

I’ll see my dermatologist in late June and again every 3 months for a while.  No more surgeon follow ups, I’m off the 20 lb lifting restriction, but need to work my way back slowly.  Dr. thought it might take another 1-2 months to ramp up and feel closer to “normal”.  But what does normal even mean these days?  Honestly, this IS normal.  I mean, maybe not the cancer part, but BIG challenges, the highs & lows, the joy, the pain, the laughter and the chaos.  

Which brings me to one of my favorite books and what I named this post after, When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron.  I purchased this around 2017 after the sudden death of my father-in-law, death of one of my best friends, and near the beginning of Ashlee’s more significant health struggles. I’ve probably listened to or read this book a dozen times now.  When I got the news that the mole removed was cancerous, I thought of this book. I listened to it on my 20 hour solo drive home from Austin, TX in March, this time, there were 2 ideas that stood out most to me.

THIS VERY MOMENT IS THE PERFECT TEACHER

This is probably the most positive way to look at any situation, and something I’ll be adopting permanently.  I’ve listened to this book a dozen times, how did this phrase not stand out to me until now?  For me, this makes infinitely more sense than the phrase everything happens for a reason or it’s part of a plan. In the grand scheme of things I believe most people mean the same thing, but I’m particular about these things sometimes.  

When something you perceive as bad happens, don’t run to find a babysitter for your emotions.  Just let it be, sit with it, just as it is, as long as you need to.  If it nails you to the wall, use it to show me where I might be stuck.  I often tell the kids to be where your feet are.  Well my feet were terrified, but courageous people don’t avoid fear, they’re intimate with fear.  I’ve seen a few things these past 10ish years, I understand suffering is part of life, I’ve even mentally prepared for all different types of scenarios.  But after all this time taking care of others, I NEVER stopped to consider the prospect that I might need to be taken care of.  Or worse, I might NOT be there to raise my kids, enjoy all of Ashlee & I’s crazy plans, grow old with friends and see the world.  I continued to remind myself the odds were in my favor, but whoah, what if?  

So this 20 hour solo drive, and waiting a couple extra weeks for my biopsy results was a great test.  I never really got upset about waiting, never really let fear get me down either, I did my best to use this moment as a teacher.  I realized this experience was an opportunity to see things with clarity.  I’ve never thought I wasn’t living life to the fullest, but this has been a great opportunity to redirect focus.  But even when I thought I wasn’t scared, I was trembling when I read the pathology report, then let out a massive sigh of relief.

START WITH HOPELESSNESS

Chapter 7 is on Hopelessness and Death, and the timing was perfect. This sounds dark, but it’s really not.  3 years ago Ashlee & I hiked The Wave in Arizona and I wrote about the path is the goal (also from this book, btw).  The path doesn’t lead you anywhere, everything you do and encounter IS the path.  If we walk the path, hoping to gain security, it will only lead to disappointment and pain.  

I can walk my path and understand there may not be a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow, brighter days might not be right around the corner, and that’s okay.  We create our situation by how we use our mind.  Everything is workable, every situation is impermanent, avoid attaching to things as they were, be where your feet are, in the present.

Someday I may look back on the time I had cancer as part of the Good Ole Days.  When Ashlee & I had young kids, when we had so much love and fun in our house.  I was surrounded by friends and family who stepped up and helped me however they could.  It was the time I took a long look at myself, and asked what conditions I need to be happy & how can I build my life around that.  How I was able to let go of attachments, learn to be cautious with my relationship to the things that I own, enjoy being with the people I love, and realize that everything falls apart, and that’s okay.  Life doesn’t get easier, we just learn how to handle more.  Happiness isn’t a package that shows up at your doorstep.  It’s not always right around the corner.  There is no way to happiness, happiness IS the way.

I’m usually pretty terrible at accepting compliments and help, when I was explaining this to a friend she said “yeah, but people love and support you all, SO LET US!”  It’s true.  We’re very grateful for all the love and support we’ve received.  People sending cards, gift cards, making meals, spending time with the kiddos, text messages, all the things, it’s all been so helpful.  

Thanks!

Ben

Being silly with Otis

Taking advantage of a Dino's gift card. Dessert with our girl!

Showing off my ability to fully extend my arm again

Sam & Rowyn came to see my art display for the
Mankato Art Crawl at Arch & Cable (4/13/24)

All I wanted for my birthday was to be outside around a
bonfire with the family (Otis was already in bed for the night)

I’ve been watching the Timberwolves for 30 years, so I’m soaking up this playoff run!

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