new year, partially improved me

I so badly wanted to make the title 'new year, new me'. But I couldn't find a way to spin that into truth, so I think partially improved works ;) I've had a lot of people ask how I'm doing. Which is such a great question. One that I struggle to answer actually. Depending on the moment I may share some of the depths of it, but otherwise I'm vague or avoidant. 

While some parts have improved, like the MALS, there are several other issues that have not. I knew this going into the MALS surgery, but I secretly hoped it would magically help more things. The downside of abdominal compressions is that body’s anatomy is so interconnected that addressing one compression can shift blood flow and organ positioning, potentially worsening or exposing another compression. It can also disrupt compensatory mechanisms your body relied on before surgery, leading to new issues. Changes in nerve and tissue tension from surgery may aggravate borderline problems, and those with one compression syndrome, like MALS, are often predisposed to others, such as Nutcracker Syndrome or SMAS, which may become more apparent after treatment. In my case, possibly Nutcracker. This was evaluated prior to MALS surgery and was indeterminate at that time.

It's now been about 7 weeks since I got my left iliac stent for May-Thurner Syndrome. I've had some improvement with pain in my left leg. There is definitely better blood flow as well, which is fantastic. The right leg has not improved. We didn't actually address anything on the right side because the right iliac wasn't compressed. So basically I had just hoped that maybe it was referred pain and it would adjust with the left leg. That was not the case. 

Overall, even with some improvements, I'm not doing well. I know it feels quite disappointing to hear. I think I'm struggling just as much with the feeling that I'm letting people down. I know none of this is something I can control, but the emotions are there anyhow. I still need just as much help as before. I'm exhausted all the time and in pain. But some of the pains are different than before. I'm eating a wider variety of food, which is a bonus. My appetite is really up and down. And sometimes I still feel terrible after I eat, but in a different way. But I know that I'm at least intaking more than before. Hopefully that continues. 

Despite the challenge, I started back at work a few weeks ago. It's not many hours, but it's something. Some days it feels more stressful than it's worth. But other days it's a good change for my brain to have something else to focus on. The one thing I probably need the most is human interaction. I do get that even when working at home. I wish it was easier for me to get to the office. But that requires a lot more spoons that I just don't have. Maybe I could set up some extra workstations at my house for my friends? haha  I always worry when going back to work that I won't remember how to do my job. So far that hasn't been the case. Phew! Turns out there are a few things I'm still the go-to for. And that part does make me feel really good. Thus far the only one putting pressure on me is myself. That will be a surprise to very few. 

I am working on figuring out next steps, but as we all know it's not a quick fix situation. I haven't given up or lost hope. I'm just sometimes a little sad and defeated. I want my life back. I want to go out with friends. I want to exercise (yes, I do PT, but I'm not even great at doing that every day right now). I want to cook meals. I want to dance. I want to go places with my family. I want to go on dates. I don't want to leave in the middle of an outing because I'm in so much pain. I want to sweep the floor without needing three days to recover. I want to help with house projects. I just want more. And I'm going to keep trying.

If you see me out with a smile on my face, it probably took a lot of determination to get there. Embrace those moments with me! They're priceless and are the ones I hang onto to keep me going. I have the best support system and I'm beyond thankful. I hope one day I'm well enough to pay it all forward. I don't know how, but after a visit my friends still manage to say how refreshing it was to spend time with me. It's sometimes hard for me to believe. But I'm glad my sunrays are still in there :) I so appreciate the ones who call, message, and stop in. It really fills my cup!

Huge shout-out to Ben, for loving me always. And also for being the ultimate human. Doing allll the things with the house addition, while still being an amazing dad! And another shout-out to my mom, who is here helping in any way she can. Whether it's being grandma, painter extraordinaire, organizing, cleaning, doing laundry, patient chauffer, and so much more!

Love,

Ash

Hanging out while Ben laid flooring

The first time I went into the office! I don't typically look this put together ;)

Violet was lucky enough to get not one, but THREE cakes for her birthday this year.

Theodore doing some painting with grandma!