Sunshine Journal

“I can’t do this.” This plays in my head multiple times a day. Starting with waking in the morning. And then plays, “you have to”, on repeat until I move forward. I’ve been listening to the podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”. It’s hosted by Nora Mcinerny, who also wrote a book called It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too). I read the book after seeing her host a live show. Stacey Huiras was already a big fan of hers and a few of us tagged along to the show. I had never witnessed a live podcast before, nor did I know that’s what I was going to be seeing when I went. She interviewed some fantastic people, who all made you think harder about life. I’ve only listened to a few podcasts so far, but each one really sits with you. The one I just listened to was about a woman who suffered severe postpartum depression. She was successful in her career and was beyond excited to be a mom. As soon as she had her daughter she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. So sh...

Originally I was going to write a post entitled "Breathing but not alive". And that is a slightly depressing title. But there was a reason for it and still something that I'll probably share at some point. Later on in the day after my mind had calmed itself, I was brought back to an event earlier this week that struck a cord with me. And I thought more about it and how it made me feel. The other night I was driving down to go float. As I did I was thinking about how tired I was and sometimes when driving through town I'm with it and paying attention yet once I get where I'm going I hardly remember how I got there. It's weird. Anyhow, the light turned green and I started to pull out to turn left but looked to my left again as I was doing so. As I looked I saw this car going at regular speed with no intentions of stopping. He ran right through the red light. I slammed on my breaks just in time to not get completely annihilated. All the onlookers honked their h...

Hate is a strong word. I truly don't feel that strongly about most things to say I hate something. If I say it I'll usually back down and say eh I dislike it. But I think I've come to terms with hating how I feel most of the time lately. On the bad days anyhow. The other days I think... this sucks, but it's going to be fine. Besides everything, work has been my biggest challenge. Because you're required to work 40 hours and get your crap done. It's not forgiving like house work, extracurricular activities, and my family. My work does have options for people in my situation, but they all involve making less money (obviously). And I feel like I'm barely getting by with all my expenses now. And I already carry too much guilt for the financial help I've been given so far. Though very fortunate and grateful! I could do it and commit to a super strict budget and cut things out. But it's like a restricted diet. It sometimes just makes everything that ...