can't stop. won't stop.

It’s been a minute since I’ve written on here. I’ve been … busy … not feeling well. Which entails exhaustive pep talks throughout the day until I’ve annoyed myself into submission. Or I surrender to, “Tomorrow is a new day”. I’ve still been moving along with life working and momming. It all just feels so very hard most days. I can’t decide how much detail I should go into about this, so I think I’ll just skip over it.

But let’s talk about something more hopeful. After months of work and dedication, the house is free of mold (as far as we know). This is where Ben and my mom stand on stage doing a bow and a curtsy while we all toss roses at them. Because they are the reason we crossed this finish line. The bathroom looks freshly fantastic. The attic is organized and newly insulated. I didn’t even know it could look that spectacular up there. And the rest of the house remains with a ‘lived-in’ look. But if you look deeper you might notice a ton of time was spent decluttering and organizing. We donated so many things. I said goodbye to so many baby-related items. I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ve been asked a few times, “So do you feel so much better now that it’s gone?” Well, we really only just got a clean test plate about two weeks ago. So not much time has passed. Remediation is a process and things had to be done in a certain order to avoid having to repeat steps. So yes, it took months to complete. Therefore, I don’t know the answer to the question yet. Because when you’re still living in it, you’re not going to make much progress. Or at least my body isn’t. It’s kind of feisty that way.

Though it has been a short time, I will say that last week was one of the better weeks I’ve had in a very long time. I actually had moments where I wasn’t distracted by how I was feeling. This is hard to understand unless you live it. But the best way I can describe it is that you are present. You are present in the moment and experiencing it. When you’re sick you’re not intentionally thinking about it, it’s just there. It’s such a nag no matter what you do. It’s disruptive to thoughts and feelings both physical and emotional. You have to constantly shoo it away to focus. Sounds draining, right? Because it is. Being present in your own life is such a magical experience. You don’t realize it until you struggle to do so. Ben can probably attest to seeing me in these moments last week and how different I was. One day on lunch last week I was so excited about something that I talked so fast until I got all of it out and he just looked at me with awe. I haven’t seen that look in a long time. And he would likely say the same about me. And then we have to take a breath and I have to make sure to reign it in a bit. Because the downside at this moment is that it doesn’t take much to set me back. So I have to fight my urges to run around screaming in glee.

I’ve been reflecting on what keeps me going each day. I literally try all the things to fill my bucket. At the top of the list is HUMOR. I try to laugh as much as I can throughout the day. So I read obnoxious books with witty banter. I don’t care if they are ridiculous. If it makes me laugh and smile then it has done it’s job. If I’m in the corner bawling my eyes out. Well… I guess sometimes I need that too. But this can also cause a setback if poorly timed. Just trust me on that one. Ben already told me that I’m only allowed to bring fun books on vacation because he does not want to deal with said crying. This did happened last vacation in a hammock along the river. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. My family is quite funny, so they are always an easy source for entertainment. Violet being in Kindergarten is the best thing to happen in 2020. Her excitement is contagious. I told her last night that she made my bucket overflow. She then asked for clarification as to what that meant. Haha. This is promising since some mornings it’s the opposite. Last week one morning she told me that I was emptying her bucket. So I obviously responded with, “no, actually, you literally just chucked your bucket at me and then knocked mine over”. And then we laughed. There’s just so much that goes into getting dressed in the morning apparently. Lots of discussion about the weather and which type of clothing might be suitable. And she must take into consideration as to what I’m wearing or her friend, Veronica, is wearing, obviously. Theodore occasionally turns into a considerate adult. It’s a lot to take in. Because you can also flip a switch to restless 7-yr-old. It’s impossible to keep up. He has Ben’s energy, but even Ben can’t keep up somedays. You know, because adulting. He loves school SO MUCH. It’s truly his happy place. And Ben. Our humor has always been sympatico. He can make me smile even on the worst days. There’s a ton of other things I do to insert joy into my day, people, quotes, coffee, fresh air, giving to others, and so on. I spent too much time writing about humor to go into detail on the rest. I will say though that I found a great mycotoxin free coffee that I’m in love with. And my friend promptly shipped me some after I told her about it. The happiness I got from that shipment of coffee was insurmountable. It’s amazing what an act of kindness can do for a person. Kara, I just love you.

Should we talk about medical/health stuff? Lets! Feel free to leave right now if you’re not into it 😉 As most of you know I’ve been through trial and error in the doctor scene and ultimately ended in the functional medicine world. I’ve been in touch with a number of other people and kept up with their journeys too. What has worked and what hasn’t. I will just say that when you don’t have a straight-forward health issue, it’s all very complicated no matter what you do. It can be very isolating.  I had this urge to do some digging as to what a mold diagnose might look like in the Western Medicine world. As in, is it even a thing? Well, it’s definitely not recognized often. This is very unfortunate and I hope this continues to evolve over time with more research. But I looked more heavily into what type of testing could be done in that environment for people who are looking for answers. I did find some interesting articles and viewpoints on lab work that can be done. Typically to get a specific answer on mold you would do a urine test. This is not available through your standard clinic environment. But in my last post I noted a site where you can do this on your own and send it in. But even if you get answers, you still need to find someone to help you get the right treatment. Sorry I’m getting off track here. My point is that I decided to do some of these labs and just see what came of it. My doctor at Mankato Clinic is lovely and was willing to help, which I greatly appreciate. She is not able to do much with them, but I was able to take the results for my own personal research and also give them to my other doctor. I found this article that goes into great detail about biotoxin pathways. It’s complicated, but I felt the chart was at least a good visual. My MSH level is, in fact, low. This causes fatigue, pain, excessive thirst, overactive bladder, digestive issues, inability to get into restorative sleep, and so on. Having a low MSH level doesn’t necessarily mean it’s mold, but it does mean there is a deeper issue going on. So it’s a helpful clue at least. What was interesting is that in going through these results with my functional doctor we took a step back and he talked through the Krebs cycle again (I tried to explain this in English in a previous post). Which brought us back to glucose. My glucose does not breakdown like it’s supposed to. It’s creating more lactic acid, which increases pain (often explained with post-intense workout pain). Since my body is struggling to do that basic function to create ATP (energy) then it’s struggling to also clear out the toxins. Thankfully they just released a new product called Glucose Optimizer. And it does just that. Assists in the glucose process. Another medication you might be familiar with is Metformin which is used to do this as well. Athletes use it to help with performance and I’ve witnessed it used with PCOS patients as well. The downside of Metformin is the side effects to your kidney/liver. So the glucose optimizer is that product without the long-term effects. The hope is that if we assist with this cycle in my body, my energy and brain function will increase which will then help me heal. There’s a bit more that goes into it, but I was just happy that I researched and asked more questions. He felt that within a month I should see a shift with energy. And in about 4 months I should see my MSH level go back up. As with all things, healing takes time. The important part is that it can be done. I can heal. And I will.

All my love,

Ash

p.s. If you’re struggling, never hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always happy to just listen or help in any way I can. After all, it’s my silver lining in this journey.