Sunshine Journal

January 16th marked five years from when I started this blog. FIVE YEARS! I didn't expect anything to come of it. I just needed to write one day, so I did. And then I went against every fear and shared what I wrote. I'm not sure if it comes across that I'm this bold, fearless warrior... (you know, like Mulan or something like that)... but I'm certainly not. After all this time you'd think it would be easier to be vulnerable and put myself out there, but it's not. I'm just getting better at pushing the button really fast and then running away so I don't delete it. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've thought about wiping out this entire blog. Or deleting all my insta and tik tok posts. Gosh, there's so much vulnerability out there from me. I have some moments of complete confidence and then later on I panic about it. It's fine. Everything is fine. And then people have the audacity to say nice things to me about it! Unreal. My ther...

About three months ago I started working with a new therapist. She was highly recommended by my doctor... over two years ago. At the time I was already working with someone, but it was a somewhat different approach. I figured it was worth a try. Well, there was a waitlist. And in order to get on the waitlist you had to fill out the paperwork. I received said paperwork and then let it sit on my desk for awhile. Long enough to fall to the bottom of a pile. I eventually filled out this paperwork and mailed it in. They called and said the wait was a YEAR! Alrighty, folks. Just put me on the list. About 13-14 months after I got on that list the clinic called me and asked if I still wanted to see her. Yup! Let's do it! "Okay, ma'am, her next opening is in 3.5 months." Right, yup, sure, I might be delivering a baby, but just sign me up. I'll interject this story to add that my previous therapist, whom I came to adore, stopped doing therapy sessions this past Spring so sh...

Last night I was holding Otis getting ready to make him a bottle. I was being silly interacting with him and Ben says, "Have you had a drink?" (okay, I'm paraphrasing this convo because I can't remember word for word). I looked at him weird and said, "No, why?". He's like, "You're just being really goofy. Don't get me wrong, I like it." So I thought back on the previous few hours and said, "Oh! I had some ibuprofen." He goes, "That makes a lot of sense, you're not in so much pain, so you're being yourself." And then we laughed because it's true. For some reason this interaction really makes me smile. I could dwell on the part that I'm not always myself. But instead, I think of the glimpse we did see. When I have these moments it's so freeing. Enjoying myself, being in the moment without having to try. Pure magic. And now Ben knows that deep down his wife is still a weirdo ;) (note: ibuprofen doesn...

Hi Everyone! I’m just going to do a quick overview as recounting the last few days in detail will take me forever and I just don’t have it in me this morning. But! I know people want updates and it’s getting hard to keep up with messaging everyone so I’m putting it in one spot. Backstory for those who do not know… I took Otis to the ER Monday, December 5, at about 10:45am. Prior to me rushing out of the house in a panic he went cold, blue/gray/purple in skin coloring, and just limp in my arms. Yes, I thought he was dying. I’ve never witnessed anything like that before in my life. I don’t think I will ever forget that visual. And I’m sure Ben will never forget hearing me over the phone. They got us in right away (thank you Mayo for taking a scared mom seriously). The nurse weighed him and took his temp and just started rushing down the hall without a word. Ben caught up with us and basically there was a lot of chaos for the next hour. (At one point I found out his temp was 91.7 degrees,...

Thought I’d write a quick little update on here vs. an extended Facebook post. I’ve been intentionally trying to just share happy baby posts and very few how I’m doing posts. Because they would all say… mmm not great, but still alive! Lol But let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that I’ve made it to six months!! Holy Toledo! August seemed to zip by quickly, which I’m actually okay with. The kids are very happy to be back in school and that makes me happy too :) 3rd pregnancy with hEDS has been challenging… just as they said it might be. The whole ‘maybe you’ll feel the opposite and feel great during pregnancy’ has not come to fruition. Though I appreciate any and all hopeful thinking. I honestly think knowing now that I have hEDS has helped me cope a little differently. Like I know the reason behind some things so I can somewhat accept them. Doesn’t make it better or easier but I think it at least eliminates spiraled thoughts as to what is going on. Though does not eliminate thoug...

I’ve attempted to write this post for awhile now. But it just hasn't quite flowed right every time I try. I'd like to blame pregnancy brain, but I think it has more to do with just navigating and processing as a whole. And exhaustion ;) My last post was about my trip to Boise to see my functional medicine doctor. As you have maybe figured out, we had to put doing any other type of protocol on hold due to the pregnancy. When we left we thought there might be a possibility I could still do it. But after he consulted with a few other doctors they decided I should wait until after baby. I wasn't thrilled about this. I completely understood why and obviously would not want to add any risk. There was still disappointment though. It ultimately meant I'd be waiting a year before I could start anything. So I just let myself be upset about it for awhile and I've come to terms with it. There have been a lot of emotions for me surrounding this pregnancy. More so than with the o...

My last appointment with my functional medicine doctor was at the end of November 2021. Which seems like eons ago at this point. During that time I started thinking maybe I would go visit him in person. And then I put that thought aside on a shelf somewhere for awhile. Except I kept coming back to it. The only problem was that there was never a good time to go and it would cost, of course. But at what point has my health ever been convenient? It's not and never has been. It's been inconveniencing me for many years, even before the big crash. Sometime in January in the midst of working through my Babesia treatment I decided I needed to go see him. I was determined to find a way and I'd go by myself if I had to. Once I set my mind to something it's a bit hard to change it. And trust me, I tried talking myself out of it quite a bit. Telling myself I would be fine, to just finish out the rest of the Lyme treatments, etc. But nope! I had to go. But then it was tax season and...

I’ve often wished I could be one of those people that was quick with words. Quicker with my thoughts. I’m not though. I’ve always had to have a patience with myself. And in turn people need to have a patience with me. I’ve lost count of the speeches I’ve gotten about needing to speak up more, share my thoughts, be more social, and so on. It takes me time to absorb what is happening and for my mind to funnel through it all. There are occasions when I don’t say something on my mind for fear of it sounding dumb. But more often than not I just haven’t concluded what I need to say yet. I’m not one to talk just to talk. Especially in a work environment. But I assure you, if I feel strongly enough about something, I will say it. In general conversation my comebacks sometimes come later after the conversation is done. So if you get a random message you know… a half hour later… you’re probably thinking, that was eons ago why are we coming back to it? Erm, just took my brain that long to process...

I've likely told the story of Ben and I about a million times. I know for certain I fumbled through it at our wedding. I said I wasn't going to talk at our wedding and then I did on a whim and it was... terrible. But I do things like that, just go in unprepared from time to time and ramble. But Ben... he did not go in unprepared. He wrote an incredibly magical speech. I only wish we had a video of it or even a written copy of it, but we don't. So I'm just going to stand by my statement that it was incredible because I have nothing to prove otherwise. I read a lot of romance novels, probably too many. I really like the ones that have witty dialogue between the characters. I think Ben and I's story could actually be a pretty decent book. I'm not saying it would be a best-seller, but I'd read it!  First off, I have some incredible emails from back in the day which would add for some fun reading. What makes them even better is the fact that Ben did not fall shor...

For the longest time I would often think, "When I'm better, I'm going to... " The thoughts and dreams were endless with that phrase. At some point this last year I stopped saying it to myself. There were no more "when I'm better." My perspective gradually changed to something more along the lines of "This is what I can handle right now." or "We'll see how I'm feeling that day." or "I'll try my best." I can't decide if that's defeat or just being realistic. I'm in the midst of the journey, focusing on the present. I don't know where I'll be when I'm through this treatment, if there is a better or if it's more the same. I didn't expect this treatment to be easy and I was right. I don't think anyone goes into any type of treatment for illness thinking it's going to be without trials. It's going to be incredibly hard. And often times the healing doesn't begin until afte...