Sunshine Journal

“I can’t do this.” This plays in my head multiple times a day. Starting with waking in the morning. And then plays, “you have to”, on repeat until I move forward. I’ve been listening to the podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”. It’s hosted by Nora Mcinerny, who also wrote a book called It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too). I read the book after seeing her host a live show. Stacey Huiras was already a big fan of hers and a few of us tagged along to the show. I had never witnessed a live podcast before, nor did I know that’s what I was going to be seeing when I went. She interviewed some fantastic people, who all made you think harder about life. I’ve only listened to a few podcasts so far, but each one really sits with you. The one I just listened to was about a woman who suffered severe postpartum depression. She was successful in her career and was beyond excited to be a mom. As soon as she had her daughter she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. So sh...

Originally I was going to write a post entitled "Breathing but not alive". And that is a slightly depressing title. But there was a reason for it and still something that I'll probably share at some point. Later on in the day after my mind had calmed itself, I was brought back to an event earlier this week that struck a cord with me. And I thought more about it and how it made me feel. The other night I was driving down to go float. As I did I was thinking about how tired I was and sometimes when driving through town I'm with it and paying attention yet once I get where I'm going I hardly remember how I got there. It's weird. Anyhow, the light turned green and I started to pull out to turn left but looked to my left again as I was doing so. As I looked I saw this car going at regular speed with no intentions of stopping. He ran right through the red light. I slammed on my breaks just in time to not get completely annihilated. All the onlookers honked their h...

Hate is a strong word. I truly don't feel that strongly about most things to say I hate something. If I say it I'll usually back down and say eh I dislike it. But I think I've come to terms with hating how I feel most of the time lately. On the bad days anyhow. The other days I think... this sucks, but it's going to be fine. Besides everything, work has been my biggest challenge. Because you're required to work 40 hours and get your crap done. It's not forgiving like house work, extracurricular activities, and my family. My work does have options for people in my situation, but they all involve making less money (obviously). And I feel like I'm barely getting by with all my expenses now. And I already carry too much guilt for the financial help I've been given so far. Though very fortunate and grateful! I could do it and commit to a super strict budget and cut things out. But it's like a restricted diet. It sometimes just makes everything that ...

Our bodies are fascinating. There's is no doubt about it. The things it can do, the way it sends you signals, and so on. I honestly think it's magic how it all works in the first place. But despite this we all obviously get incredibly frustrated when it doesn't work how we want it to. But really.. it has so many moving parts and functions. It's crazy. So I've obviously talked about floating multiple times already and I'm going to talk about it again. So if you don't want to read about it, please stop here ;) My month membership ended last week and I was in a pickle because I knew this week would be busy with different things going on and next week I'd be gone on vacation. And if I'm going to pay hundreds of dollars for something I want to get as much use out of it as possible. So I opted to not renew it right away knowing I would once I got back from vacation. I knew this was risky and I'd likely have to buy one float this week to get by... w...

This is hard. There isn’t a written manual for life. I suppose there are some available, but every situation is so unique that there isn’t a specific guide for each of is. We have to figure that out on our own. There are similar situations and ways to relate to each other to help us all through it. And some kindred spirits that have a special way of supporting people even if they aren’t in their shoes. But sometimes, it’s still not enough. You know how you can always say to yourself that someone is worse off than you so we should count our blessings? That is true. But it also doesn’t mean that whatever each of us is going through isn’t significant or hard. And I think all of us sometimes just need validation of that. That is what therapists do. They listen and help validate how you’re feeling. And it feels so good. I read a story this morning in the news about a woman who lost her entire family in a duck boat accident. I almost cried. I probably should hav...

This morning when I woke up I felt like I was radioactive. It's the most bizarre feeling. There is pain all over and you just feel like it's radiating and creating a glow all over your body. It's a bit paralyzing. I have to give mental pep talks and direction. Ashlee, you must roll over and get your CBD oil. Take the oil and lay there until you can move again. Seems so simple, yet in the moment it still takes me a few minutes to finally reach over. And then I just think... seriously, this is ridiculous. Are you imagining this? No. If you were imagining this you would just move. Isn't it fun talking to yourself? We can be so annoying. It's been a busy week. We started putting our house back together last Saturday. Thankful for those who showed up to help. Extra kudos to my mom, she has been our house project superhero! Love her to pieces! I did the best I could, but still wished I could have done more. Ben constantly tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it...

I’ve learned a lot so far in this life of mine. I can’t even imagine what another decade will teach me. Often in our lives there is so much going on around us and we busy ourselves to exhaustion. And then we have those moments where we stop and breathe it all in. And it’s truly beautiful. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently were all the signs along the way about my health and how my knowledge now could have helped the Ashlee then. But that’s not how it works. I can’t go back and tell the Ashlee going through infertility that she should stop and see if there’s something else going on. That her body is signaling that it doesn’t want to get pregnant because it probably isn’t in a healthy spot to do so. It was telling me that maybe I should investigate more. But the heart wants what it wants. And at that time it was to build a family. Because of my journey through infertility I learned so much. I had an experience that helped me relate to so many others in the world. It open...

“How are you?” This is such a simple question that also can feel so loaded. How often do we just say “good” as a natural reaction? But honestly, I feel like I’m dying a slow, painful death. I don’t think that response is quite what people are anticipating to hear. You are all thinking a.) You’re being dramatic. B.) Are you seeing a therapist? C.) How in the world do I respond to that? D.) You look fine. Am I in the ballpark? So instead I say “I’m okay.” “I’m managing.” Or “Not great. But I’ll be fine.” These responses are also my way of opening the tear gates with someone who might not even care how I’m really doing. Now close your eyes and pretend you feel like you haven’t slept in days, someone took you out back and beat you up, clamps, belts, and ropes are tied tight around your limbs, weights are strapped to you, your neck is pinched, you have the constant urge to pee, you have a headache, and your stomach is in rotation of cramping, turning, and general pain. Now go to w...

Do any of you have intuition about things? I often do. My gut feels most things. They aren't lying when they say it's our second brain. November 2015 I find out my dad has another brain aneurysm. I mean seriously, what? But don't be alarmed Ashlee.. everything is going to be okay. Then why did my heart sink and I feel a pit in my stomach? Dad opted to do the surgery to get a stint put in. One where they use a tiny little robot that makes it's way to your brain to fix it. This was going to happen in January 2016. I was assured that they do this procedure a lot and I should not be alarmed. Mom and dad were chill about it. I was not. The alternative was to do nothing, so that wasn't a good option either. I calmed my nerves and we celebrated holidays together. Before we knew it, Violet was 1! We celebrated her big day. Dad was there, happy as can be. I still remember that day... I had one of those moments where I just stared at home for awhile. He's always been the ...

This post may or may not interest some. I personally enjoy listening to everyone's story. I've had more time to think in recent months. Everyday I write a journal entry in my head. It never makes it to paper or computer because I'm either to tired to get it there or other things take precedent. A friend commented recently that I should write a blog. And well that is just brilliant. A space where I can write as much as I want and people can choose to read it if they feel inclined to do so. I'm always hesitant to post on Facebook because I don't want to be a bother. Even though I like ready about everyone's lives, I know people don't necessarily share that sentiment with me. So please proceed with caution. This post is more like a novel... Growing up I remember having occasional digestion issues. It was often enough that I noticed it, but not bad enough/frequent enough to tell anyone about it. And let's be honest.. my favorite foods were ice cream, candy...