Sunshine Journal

Hi Everyone! I’m just going to do a quick overview as recounting the last few days in detail will take me forever and I just don’t have it in me this morning. But! I know people want updates and it’s getting hard to keep up with messaging everyone so I’m putting it in one spot. Backstory for those who do not know… I took Otis to the ER Monday, December 5, at about 10:45am. Prior to me rushing out of the house in a panic he went cold, blue/gray/purple in skin coloring, and just limp in my arms. Yes, I thought he was dying. I’ve never witnessed anything like that before in my life. I don’t think I will ever forget that visual. And I’m sure Ben will never forget hearing me over the phone. They got us in right away (thank you Mayo for taking a scared mom seriously). The nurse weighed him and took his temp and just started rushing down the hall without a word. Ben caught up with us and basically there was a lot of chaos for the next hour. (At one point I found out his temp was 91.7 degrees,...

Thought I’d write a quick little update on here vs. an extended Facebook post. I’ve been intentionally trying to just share happy baby posts and very few how I’m doing posts. Because they would all say… mmm not great, but still alive! Lol But let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that I’ve made it to six months!! Holy Toledo! August seemed to zip by quickly, which I’m actually okay with. The kids are very happy to be back in school and that makes me happy too :) 3rd pregnancy with hEDS has been challenging… just as they said it might be. The whole ‘maybe you’ll feel the opposite and feel great during pregnancy’ has not come to fruition. Though I appreciate any and all hopeful thinking. I honestly think knowing now that I have hEDS has helped me cope a little differently. Like I know the reason behind some things so I can somewhat accept them. Doesn’t make it better or easier but I think it at least eliminates spiraled thoughts as to what is going on. Though does not eliminate thoug...

I’ve attempted to write this post for awhile now. But it just hasn't quite flowed right every time I try. I'd like to blame pregnancy brain, but I think it has more to do with just navigating and processing as a whole. And exhaustion ;) My last post was about my trip to Boise to see my functional medicine doctor. As you have maybe figured out, we had to put doing any other type of protocol on hold due to the pregnancy. When we left we thought there might be a possibility I could still do it. But after he consulted with a few other doctors they decided I should wait until after baby. I wasn't thrilled about this. I completely understood why and obviously would not want to add any risk. There was still disappointment though. It ultimately meant I'd be waiting a year before I could start anything. So I just let myself be upset about it for awhile and I've come to terms with it. There have been a lot of emotions for me surrounding this pregnancy. More so than with the o...

My last appointment with my functional medicine doctor was at the end of November 2021. Which seems like eons ago at this point. During that time I started thinking maybe I would go visit him in person. And then I put that thought aside on a shelf somewhere for awhile. Except I kept coming back to it. The only problem was that there was never a good time to go and it would cost, of course. But at what point has my health ever been convenient? It's not and never has been. It's been inconveniencing me for many years, even before the big crash. Sometime in January in the midst of working through my Babesia treatment I decided I needed to go see him. I was determined to find a way and I'd go by myself if I had to. Once I set my mind to something it's a bit hard to change it. And trust me, I tried talking myself out of it quite a bit. Telling myself I would be fine, to just finish out the rest of the Lyme treatments, etc. But nope! I had to go. But then it was tax season and...

I’ve often wished I could be one of those people that was quick with words. Quicker with my thoughts. I’m not though. I’ve always had to have a patience with myself. And in turn people need to have a patience with me. I’ve lost count of the speeches I’ve gotten about needing to speak up more, share my thoughts, be more social, and so on. It takes me time to absorb what is happening and for my mind to funnel through it all. There are occasions when I don’t say something on my mind for fear of it sounding dumb. But more often than not I just haven’t concluded what I need to say yet. I’m not one to talk just to talk. Especially in a work environment. But I assure you, if I feel strongly enough about something, I will say it. In general conversation my comebacks sometimes come later after the conversation is done. So if you get a random message you know… a half hour later… you’re probably thinking, that was eons ago why are we coming back to it? Erm, just took my brain that long to process...

I've likely told the story of Ben and I about a million times. I know for certain I fumbled through it at our wedding. I said I wasn't going to talk at our wedding and then I did on a whim and it was... terrible. But I do things like that, just go in unprepared from time to time and ramble. But Ben... he did not go in unprepared. He wrote an incredibly magical speech. I only wish we had a video of it or even a written copy of it, but we don't. So I'm just going to stand by my statement that it was incredible because I have nothing to prove otherwise. I read a lot of romance novels, probably too many. I really like the ones that have witty dialogue between the characters. I think Ben and I's story could actually be a pretty decent book. I'm not saying it would be a best-seller, but I'd read it!  First off, I have some incredible emails from back in the day which would add for some fun reading. What makes them even better is the fact that Ben did not fall shor...

For the longest time I would often think, "When I'm better, I'm going to... " The thoughts and dreams were endless with that phrase. At some point this last year I stopped saying it to myself. There were no more "when I'm better." My perspective gradually changed to something more along the lines of "This is what I can handle right now." or "We'll see how I'm feeling that day." or "I'll try my best." I can't decide if that's defeat or just being realistic. I'm in the midst of the journey, focusing on the present. I don't know where I'll be when I'm through this treatment, if there is a better or if it's more the same. I didn't expect this treatment to be easy and I was right. I don't think anyone goes into any type of treatment for illness thinking it's going to be without trials. It's going to be incredibly hard. And often times the healing doesn't begin until afte...

I recently wrote a post on social media essentially asking for help because I've been feeling low. When I wrote that last post I didn’t anticipate how it might strike a cord with people. I was having a moment, well basically a tough day, and just wanted to share. There’s so much more to be said about mental health that’s not often shared. We skim the surface and if you’re like me and you’ll say it in passing then follow up with a bad joke or an ‘I’ll be fine’. I mean I might be fine, but sometimes I worry I won’t. Because here’s the thing about depression I didn’t go further into discussing... If you fall into that dark place, you have to hope there’s some part of your brain that’s loud enough to say, “this isn’t you, don’t do anything stupid”. Because it engulfs you. There isn’t always a “just go read a book” “go for a walk” “call someone” or any sort of reasoning happening. Or you try those things and you’re still numb to it. You’re so deep into it that there isn’t a light to gra...

If you were to ask me how things are going, I would say it depends on the hour. Overall I do feel I'm going in the right direction. But if you catch me at a different hour I might feel like the misery will never end. If I also insert a lame joke with my sentiments you'll know that everything will be okay. As many of you know, my husband is awesome. I'm reminded of this daily with even just the simplest of gestures. I probably don't tell him enough how much they mean to me and that they don't go unnoticed. He has a way of making me laugh no matter how down I am. He also has a way of snapping me out of whatever planet I'm lost on and brings me to the present. I realize we've been together for a very long time so it makes sense he knows me so well. But sometimes I feel so incredibly complicated that I'm not sure a manual could even be written if I tried. Yet somehow, he can read me and finish my sentences. This was all on my mind because just this morning I...

Before we begin… disclaimer: I’m not a health professional. This is just me sharing my journey and what I’ve learned along the way. Please always consult your own doctor. Everyone’s journey is their own. I’m always happy to share resources with people and be someone to journey together with! —————— So I've used the roller coaster analogy multiple times, because it's incredibly applicable. Get a little better, get worse, get a little better, go down a little bit, take a weird turn, go back up and feel some changes, and so on. But what's even more relevant is when you go down on the roller coaster and you get that 'Oh Shit!' look on your face. Now that. Is. Real. The highs and lows of the Ashlee Suker life --> Probably should be my bio title. I think I basically already summarized the last eight months of my life in roller coaster analogy. I was doing reasonably well for a bit there this spring, in Ashlee terms at least. This basically means that most days I experi...