Sunshine Journal

Hey Friends! I've been a bit absent. October 1st I went back to work part-time. It was challenging and I just kept telling myself that I knew the transition back would be hard. It wasn't the actual work part. That I was able to pick up where I left off and jump in. It was the physical and mental challenge. Fighting the fatigue, the pain, the stress signal going off, my heart racing, the gut distress, and so on. That Thursday I had the day to go to appointments and catch my breath. Friday I decided to work from home. It was then I realized that maybe I needed to transition slower and work from home. I thought maybe eliminating the stress of getting out the door might help. It was still a battle. I had one decent day that week. That Wednesday it was a fight between the couch and being at my computer working. I toughed it out to get my hours in that day. Thursday I had meetings in the office that I really wanted to be at. I crawled my way out the door to make it in time for the ...

I was recently recommended a book called The Last Best Cure: My Quest to Awaken the Healing Parts of My Brain and Get My Body, My Joy and My Life by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. I, of course, looked it up and purchased it right away. The reason I purchased it is because the title and description talked about getting back joy. Yes! I want to know how to do that! As I read through the book I had a million aha moments and was completely entranced by it. It was so much more than I anticipated. The premise of the book is about her journey to get some of her life back. She is riddled with autoimmune illnesses and even had to relearn to walk twice so far in her life because of it. She meets a new doctor at John Hopkins who has a theory that might help her regain some of her joy. They decided to set out a plan for the next year on practices she would do. After the year is up they would retake all the same tests and see where she was at. The journey starts in the doctor's office where Dr. A...

Hello again. So as I stated in part 1, I'm about two months into this protocol that I'm on. The protocol is designed to help eliminate infections, viruses, toxins, heavy metals, and parasites from your body. Some viruses never leave your body, they just go dormant. These can be aggravated again, often from big life events that cause stress and lots of emotion. EBV is a common one that can cause a lot of issues. You have mono early in life, it goes dormant, then comes back wreaking even more havoc on your body later. Most people have parasites, because they're everywhere and contracted easily. But some people don't show symptoms because their bodies have a strong immune system and can fight them off or the symptoms are misdiagnosed as something else. The array of symptoms can be so vast. Skin issues, allergies (environmental and food), digestion issues, anxiety, chronic pain, teeth grinding, to name a few. All of these things I mentioned at the start of this paragraph ...

This has all been quite the adventure. Life in general is though, isn't it? I'm about two months into my protocol now. It's been hard, fascinating, and makes me feel hopeful. Being able to be off of work for awhile has been a tremendous help. This last week Wednesday was really my true start since the long Labor Day weekend the kids were home. They didn't have daycare Friday or Tuesday and since I was already going to be home it didn't make sense to find them a different sitter. Though I'd be lying if I didn't say I was slightly terrified, which is the saddest statement. What mother is nervous about being with their kids all day long. It hit unfortunate timing last week and I got my period end of the week. Which you're all thinking... so? Well, it makes everything so much worse. My whole body is in crippling pain and my usual pain management techniques are worthless. But, we got through it. Friday morning my friend, Christianne, hung out with the kids ...

“I can’t do this.” This plays in my head multiple times a day. Starting with waking in the morning. And then plays, “you have to”, on repeat until I move forward. I’ve been listening to the podcast, “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”. It’s hosted by Nora Mcinerny, who also wrote a book called It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too). I read the book after seeing her host a live show. Stacey Huiras was already a big fan of hers and a few of us tagged along to the show. I had never witnessed a live podcast before, nor did I know that’s what I was going to be seeing when I went. She interviewed some fantastic people, who all made you think harder about life. I’ve only listened to a few podcasts so far, but each one really sits with you. The one I just listened to was about a woman who suffered severe postpartum depression. She was successful in her career and was beyond excited to be a mom. As soon as she had her daughter she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. So sh...

Originally I was going to write a post entitled "Breathing but not alive". And that is a slightly depressing title. But there was a reason for it and still something that I'll probably share at some point. Later on in the day after my mind had calmed itself, I was brought back to an event earlier this week that struck a cord with me. And I thought more about it and how it made me feel. The other night I was driving down to go float. As I did I was thinking about how tired I was and sometimes when driving through town I'm with it and paying attention yet once I get where I'm going I hardly remember how I got there. It's weird. Anyhow, the light turned green and I started to pull out to turn left but looked to my left again as I was doing so. As I looked I saw this car going at regular speed with no intentions of stopping. He ran right through the red light. I slammed on my breaks just in time to not get completely annihilated. All the onlookers honked their h...

Hate is a strong word. I truly don't feel that strongly about most things to say I hate something. If I say it I'll usually back down and say eh I dislike it. But I think I've come to terms with hating how I feel most of the time lately. On the bad days anyhow. The other days I think... this sucks, but it's going to be fine. Besides everything, work has been my biggest challenge. Because you're required to work 40 hours and get your crap done. It's not forgiving like house work, extracurricular activities, and my family. My work does have options for people in my situation, but they all involve making less money (obviously). And I feel like I'm barely getting by with all my expenses now. And I already carry too much guilt for the financial help I've been given so far. Though very fortunate and grateful! I could do it and commit to a super strict budget and cut things out. But it's like a restricted diet. It sometimes just makes everything that ...

Our bodies are fascinating. There's is no doubt about it. The things it can do, the way it sends you signals, and so on. I honestly think it's magic how it all works in the first place. But despite this we all obviously get incredibly frustrated when it doesn't work how we want it to. But really.. it has so many moving parts and functions. It's crazy. So I've obviously talked about floating multiple times already and I'm going to talk about it again. So if you don't want to read about it, please stop here ;) My month membership ended last week and I was in a pickle because I knew this week would be busy with different things going on and next week I'd be gone on vacation. And if I'm going to pay hundreds of dollars for something I want to get as much use out of it as possible. So I opted to not renew it right away knowing I would once I got back from vacation. I knew this was risky and I'd likely have to buy one float this week to get by... w...

This is hard. There isn’t a written manual for life. I suppose there are some available, but every situation is so unique that there isn’t a specific guide for each of is. We have to figure that out on our own. There are similar situations and ways to relate to each other to help us all through it. And some kindred spirits that have a special way of supporting people even if they aren’t in their shoes. But sometimes, it’s still not enough. You know how you can always say to yourself that someone is worse off than you so we should count our blessings? That is true. But it also doesn’t mean that whatever each of us is going through isn’t significant or hard. And I think all of us sometimes just need validation of that. That is what therapists do. They listen and help validate how you’re feeling. And it feels so good. I read a story this morning in the news about a woman who lost her entire family in a duck boat accident. I almost cried. I probably should hav...

This morning when I woke up I felt like I was radioactive. It's the most bizarre feeling. There is pain all over and you just feel like it's radiating and creating a glow all over your body. It's a bit paralyzing. I have to give mental pep talks and direction. Ashlee, you must roll over and get your CBD oil. Take the oil and lay there until you can move again. Seems so simple, yet in the moment it still takes me a few minutes to finally reach over. And then I just think... seriously, this is ridiculous. Are you imagining this? No. If you were imagining this you would just move. Isn't it fun talking to yourself? We can be so annoying. It's been a busy week. We started putting our house back together last Saturday. Thankful for those who showed up to help. Extra kudos to my mom, she has been our house project superhero! Love her to pieces! I did the best I could, but still wished I could have done more. Ben constantly tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it...