Sunshine Journal

It’s been one of those days where I want to crawl out of my skin and find something more comfortable to be in. The pain runs into my bones and it’s just so heavy. Try as I might, I can’t escape it taking over my thoughts. I’ve been through this time and time again. And even though I want to fight it or force some way around it, it’s just not the right thing to do for me. I’ve learned that the hard way. I just have to sit with it. And then I have to work through not worrying about everything I think I should be doing right now. But this is just a snapshot. It’s a day in a year. Tomorrow will be a new one. It might be just as painful, but no two days are replicas. I’ve decided that’s something to look forward to. The rollercoaster might do a flip for all I know. And the day isn’t even over, there might be a relief button moment. Despite this pesky day, I’ve had a string of good ones in the last week. I can feel myself turning a corner of sorts. I get a burst of energy or a sense of calm ...

My life. It’s a bit like trudging in the snow. Sometimes it feels cumbersome and challenging. Where your feet feel heavy and it’s more work to take steps. And sometimes you stop and let it take your breath away. And other times you’re like a child and break to play in it.  No one has ever claimed life to be easy, but there have been moments in my life where it did feel like things were too easy. I had everything I needed, I was surrounded by love, I felt whole, and life moved along its merry way. I sometimes told Ben that it felt too good to be true and I was certain there was hardship in store for me in the future. I was right. I didn’t say it to be negative or a skeptic or to be bitter. I just felt it at my core, an intuition you might say. You can roll your eyes and then tell me it’s a vague thing to say because everyone faces hardships. This is true. So maybe I was wrong and it’s just the way life is and anyone could expect such a thing. I’ve also come to realize that I often j...

It’s been a minute since I’ve written on here. I’ve been … busy … not feeling well. Which entails exhaustive pep talks throughout the day until I’ve annoyed myself into submission. Or I surrender to, “Tomorrow is a new day”. I’ve still been moving along with life working and momming. It all just feels so very hard most days. I can’t decide how much detail I should go into about this, so I think I’ll just skip over it. But let’s talk about something more hopeful. After months of work and dedication, the house is free of mold (as far as we know). This is where Ben and my mom stand on stage doing a bow and a curtsy while we all toss roses at them. Because they are the reason we crossed this finish line. The bathroom looks freshly fantastic. The attic is organized and newly insulated. I didn’t even know it could look that spectacular up there. And the rest of the house remains with a ‘lived-in’ look. But if you look deeper you might notice a ton of time was spent decluttering and organiz...

Are you grateful for all the things you do have? Of course you are. Does that mean that you can’t grieve what you’ve lost? No, it doesn’t. You can do both. I don’t know if my posts come across as me  being  a Debbie downer or not. I’m sure at times they read incredibly depressing. Maybe people think, but you should be so grateful for what you have! I am. I really, really am. I think about it every single day. But I also have days where I have to allow myself to grieve what I’ve lost. We all need space for that. I know I’ve talked about this many times before. But when people become ill they lose so much. There’s always the obvious things, but often it’s the things you can’t see that are the hardest. People are always changing. They weren’t who they were a year ago or five years ago. But this is greater than that. We have “woe is me” moments where we crave who we once were. Or we imagine, “if I was healthy I’d be more...”. It’s not healthy to dwell on, but sometimes it’s hard n...

I've tried writing this a few different times, in my head, in my phone, or on paper. It just never flowed quite right. And then I decided, who cares. I would just not write altogether, but then the thoughts would just keep rolling in my head and it's rather annoying. So I need to just do something and move on. I've written about mold illness before, but I'm not sure how many of you have read it or remember it. So we are going to refresh. Mold illness/toxicity is not an allergy to mold. Mycotoxins from mold build up in your body from exposure. This happens to everyone as mold happens everywhere and it's not always harmful. And for a majority of people their immune systems will respond, their antibodies will bind to the antigens and clear the toxins out of the body. Some of us aren't as fortunate. There is a gene called  HLA-DR that 24% of the population has that doesn't tag mold properly and therefore doesn't remove it from the body like it should. So it ...

I think I promised rainbows and unicorns in my next post. Well here they are! The roller coaster hasn't stopped, but I'm happy to report there have been more WEEEE! moments. Where your hands are in the air and your grin is so big it can't be anything but contagious. I owe many of those moments to my family and some of my friends. But also to myself. It sounds weird to say, but I'm honestly just proud of myself. I'm proud that I keep fighting. It's not always pretty and sometimes it involves ugly cries, but I'm still here.  Through trial and error we've found a recipe that seems to be working and helping. Each day gets better. I'm still incredibly sensitive and it doesn't take much to set me off. But I'm getting better at identifying the what and fixing it.  A few weeks ago I felt like dancing (okay, so not uncommon exactly). But I decided to post it on Tik Tok with my story, which is terrifying, but I did it. I've been trying more to just...

Fear. That seems to be a common feeling these days. Only I just realized that it’s one of my own as well. And major events in the world right now aren’t even the main cause. Though they aren’t helping. I was on this journey where I was going to try and be more vulnerable and just be. Remember I wrote that blog post about that. Just being where I am. Well, I quickly fell off that bandwagon without even fully realizing it. With so much going on, it just never felt like a good time to share. And then I realized there will never be a good time. And sometimes because of that fear people never share and then it’s too late. Last time I wrote I was in a rough place. Shortly thereafter my doctor advised switching up my diet again as my body was just reacting to everything I put in my mouth essentially. But the whole thing felt absurd and a little out there. So I mostly just kept it to myself, not wanting to talk about it. Fear of judgement. Not wanting to hear another opinion about it. I just...

Have you ever had moments where you feel almost emotionless? You know there's this deep sadness, but it hasn't come to the surface yet and you're almost concerned as to why you're just so chill. Because you know that you're actually, in fact, an emotional person. So when will the storm hit or will it never come? Life as we know it has been a bit off kilter lately for everyone. It's forced us all to make changes, even if temporary. Just a few weeks ago I was in the thick of work craziness and I text Ben on the verge of tears, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through another month of this". And "this" wasn't just referring to work. It was mostly referring to my body giving out on me every single day. My constant fight for survival to get through each day. Life doesn't slow down for it, it keeps going. And in the tax world, it actually ramps up during this time of year. Normally I'd be enraptured by the thrill of some...