Sunshine Journal

I've likely told the story of Ben and I about a million times. I know for certain I fumbled through it at our wedding. I said I wasn't going to talk at our wedding and then I did on a whim and it was... terrible. But I do things like that, just go in unprepared from time to time and ramble. But Ben... he did not go in unprepared. He wrote an incredibly magical speech. I only wish we had a video of it or even a written copy of it, but we don't. So I'm just going to stand by my statement that it was incredible because I have nothing to prove otherwise. I read a lot of romance novels, probably too many. I really like the ones that have witty dialogue between the characters. I think Ben and I's story could actually be a pretty decent book. I'm not saying it would be a best-seller, but I'd read it!  First off, I have some incredible emails from back in the day which would add for some fun reading. What makes them even better is the fact that Ben did not fall shor...

For the longest time I would often think, "When I'm better, I'm going to... " The thoughts and dreams were endless with that phrase. At some point this last year I stopped saying it to myself. There were no more "when I'm better." My perspective gradually changed to something more along the lines of "This is what I can handle right now." or "We'll see how I'm feeling that day." or "I'll try my best." I can't decide if that's defeat or just being realistic. I'm in the midst of the journey, focusing on the present. I don't know where I'll be when I'm through this treatment, if there is a better or if it's more the same. I didn't expect this treatment to be easy and I was right. I don't think anyone goes into any type of treatment for illness thinking it's going to be without trials. It's going to be incredibly hard. And often times the healing doesn't begin until afte...

I recently wrote a post on social media essentially asking for help because I've been feeling low. When I wrote that last post I didn’t anticipate how it might strike a cord with people. I was having a moment, well basically a tough day, and just wanted to share. There’s so much more to be said about mental health that’s not often shared. We skim the surface and if you’re like me and you’ll say it in passing then follow up with a bad joke or an ‘I’ll be fine’. I mean I might be fine, but sometimes I worry I won’t. Because here’s the thing about depression I didn’t go further into discussing... If you fall into that dark place, you have to hope there’s some part of your brain that’s loud enough to say, “this isn’t you, don’t do anything stupid”. Because it engulfs you. There isn’t always a “just go read a book” “go for a walk” “call someone” or any sort of reasoning happening. Or you try those things and you’re still numb to it. You’re so deep into it that there isn’t a light to gra...

If you were to ask me how things are going, I would say it depends on the hour. Overall I do feel I'm going in the right direction. But if you catch me at a different hour I might feel like the misery will never end. If I also insert a lame joke with my sentiments you'll know that everything will be okay. As many of you know, my husband is awesome. I'm reminded of this daily with even just the simplest of gestures. I probably don't tell him enough how much they mean to me and that they don't go unnoticed. He has a way of making me laugh no matter how down I am. He also has a way of snapping me out of whatever planet I'm lost on and brings me to the present. I realize we've been together for a very long time so it makes sense he knows me so well. But sometimes I feel so incredibly complicated that I'm not sure a manual could even be written if I tried. Yet somehow, he can read me and finish my sentences. This was all on my mind because just this morning I...

Before we begin… disclaimer: I’m not a health professional. This is just me sharing my journey and what I’ve learned along the way. Please always consult your own doctor. Everyone’s journey is their own. I’m always happy to share resources with people and be someone to journey together with! —————— So I've used the roller coaster analogy multiple times, because it's incredibly applicable. Get a little better, get worse, get a little better, go down a little bit, take a weird turn, go back up and feel some changes, and so on. But what's even more relevant is when you go down on the roller coaster and you get that 'Oh Shit!' look on your face. Now that. Is. Real. The highs and lows of the Ashlee Suker life --> Probably should be my bio title. I think I basically already summarized the last eight months of my life in roller coaster analogy. I was doing reasonably well for a bit there this spring, in Ashlee terms at least. This basically means that most days I experi...

It’s been one of those days where I want to crawl out of my skin and find something more comfortable to be in. The pain runs into my bones and it’s just so heavy. Try as I might, I can’t escape it taking over my thoughts. I’ve been through this time and time again. And even though I want to fight it or force some way around it, it’s just not the right thing to do for me. I’ve learned that the hard way. I just have to sit with it. And then I have to work through not worrying about everything I think I should be doing right now. But this is just a snapshot. It’s a day in a year. Tomorrow will be a new one. It might be just as painful, but no two days are replicas. I’ve decided that’s something to look forward to. The rollercoaster might do a flip for all I know. And the day isn’t even over, there might be a relief button moment. Despite this pesky day, I’ve had a string of good ones in the last week. I can feel myself turning a corner of sorts. I get a burst of energy or a sense of calm ...

My life. It’s a bit like trudging in the snow. Sometimes it feels cumbersome and challenging. Where your feet feel heavy and it’s more work to take steps. And sometimes you stop and let it take your breath away. And other times you’re like a child and break to play in it.  No one has ever claimed life to be easy, but there have been moments in my life where it did feel like things were too easy. I had everything I needed, I was surrounded by love, I felt whole, and life moved along its merry way. I sometimes told Ben that it felt too good to be true and I was certain there was hardship in store for me in the future. I was right. I didn’t say it to be negative or a skeptic or to be bitter. I just felt it at my core, an intuition you might say. You can roll your eyes and then tell me it’s a vague thing to say because everyone faces hardships. This is true. So maybe I was wrong and it’s just the way life is and anyone could expect such a thing. I’ve also come to realize that I often j...

It’s been a minute since I’ve written on here. I’ve been … busy … not feeling well. Which entails exhaustive pep talks throughout the day until I’ve annoyed myself into submission. Or I surrender to, “Tomorrow is a new day”. I’ve still been moving along with life working and momming. It all just feels so very hard most days. I can’t decide how much detail I should go into about this, so I think I’ll just skip over it. But let’s talk about something more hopeful. After months of work and dedication, the house is free of mold (as far as we know). This is where Ben and my mom stand on stage doing a bow and a curtsy while we all toss roses at them. Because they are the reason we crossed this finish line. The bathroom looks freshly fantastic. The attic is organized and newly insulated. I didn’t even know it could look that spectacular up there. And the rest of the house remains with a ‘lived-in’ look. But if you look deeper you might notice a ton of time was spent decluttering and organiz...

Are you grateful for all the things you do have? Of course you are. Does that mean that you can’t grieve what you’ve lost? No, it doesn’t. You can do both. I don’t know if my posts come across as me  being  a Debbie downer or not. I’m sure at times they read incredibly depressing. Maybe people think, but you should be so grateful for what you have! I am. I really, really am. I think about it every single day. But I also have days where I have to allow myself to grieve what I’ve lost. We all need space for that. I know I’ve talked about this many times before. But when people become ill they lose so much. There’s always the obvious things, but often it’s the things you can’t see that are the hardest. People are always changing. They weren’t who they were a year ago or five years ago. But this is greater than that. We have “woe is me” moments where we crave who we once were. Or we imagine, “if I was healthy I’d be more...”. It’s not healthy to dwell on, but sometimes it’s hard n...