Sunshine Journal

Fear. That seems to be a common feeling these days. Only I just realized that it’s one of my own as well. And major events in the world right now aren’t even the main cause. Though they aren’t helping. I was on this journey where I was going to try and be more vulnerable and just be. Remember I wrote that blog post about that. Just being where I am. Well, I quickly fell off that bandwagon without even fully realizing it. With so much going on, it just never felt like a good time to share. And then I realized there will never be a good time. And sometimes because of that fear people never share and then it’s too late. Last time I wrote I was in a rough place. Shortly thereafter my doctor advised switching up my diet again as my body was just reacting to everything I put in my mouth essentially. But the whole thing felt absurd and a little out there. So I mostly just kept it to myself, not wanting to talk about it. Fear of judgement. Not wanting to hear another opinion about it. I just...

Have you ever had moments where you feel almost emotionless? You know there's this deep sadness, but it hasn't come to the surface yet and you're almost concerned as to why you're just so chill. Because you know that you're actually, in fact, an emotional person. So when will the storm hit or will it never come? Life as we know it has been a bit off kilter lately for everyone. It's forced us all to make changes, even if temporary. Just a few weeks ago I was in the thick of work craziness and I text Ben on the verge of tears, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through another month of this". And "this" wasn't just referring to work. It was mostly referring to my body giving out on me every single day. My constant fight for survival to get through each day. Life doesn't slow down for it, it keeps going. And in the tax world, it actually ramps up during this time of year. Normally I'd be enraptured by the thrill of some...

Ben recently informed me that he's my vitamin b! And yes, I laughed a lot at this. I laughed because it's true. Most B vitamins help with energy and I would say that Ben does in fact do that. He's that person that just makes me feel better just by being there. I hope all of you are fortunate to have someone like that in your life. I'm so lucky. Real talk about vitamins though. Many of you probably know that there are 8 types of B vitamins, but have you ever wondered why there are gaps in the numbers? Well, it turns out the ones in the gaps were once thought of as vitamins, but now they no longer consider them vitamins. It's like Pluto! They just kicked them out! But things are always changing, so B15 could make a come back. You just never know. So we left off last time with me struggling with my gut. I started begrudgingly making celery juice again. And once again it's saving my life. So maybe I should stop being a pill about it and hum delightfully as I put t...

ineffable adjective in·​ef·​fa·​ble a: incapable of being expressed in words : INDESCRIBABLE b: UNSPEAKABLE Anything ineffable is unspeakably beautiful, moving, or horrible. It’s beyond expression. If something is so powerful or emotional that you can't even describe it, it’s ineffable. So I left my last post a bit mysterious. It wasn't even intentional. I literally just didn't know what to say or how to explain. I still don't really. But I'm going to try. Let’s start first by acknowledging that I do in fact have a chronic illness. Therefore, it would be common to not feel well. But here’s the deal, I’m often in denial. I grasp onto the good and try to pretend the rest doesn’t exist if at all possible. Or as we discussed earlier, I just keep the bad to myself. I keep saying, “but I’m still better than I was”. This is true. But lately, it’s been creeping a little too close to the past for comfort. Things started shifting over the holidays. January was cr...

Sometimes life looks like this. It’s hard. You can’t fix it like you want to. You just have to live it. I decided to try this new thing and post in the trenches. I don’t have an explanation or a solid plan to give you. It’s just me in my days of hard. Will it get better? Hopefully. Am I sad? Yes. Am I giving each hour my best? Yes. Am I stable? No. But I’m still living and I’ll keep going. And there will be more moments like this (mixed with ones where I dance around my kitchen).

when i'm ready. We sometimes forget that part, the in-between, the healing process. We jump from "not okay" to "great". But wait, how did we get there? Tell me, Anna Kendrick! haha (This is a Trolls reference in case I've lost half my audience) I'm off on this remarkable adventure Just riding on a rainbow What if it's all a big mistake What if it's more than I can take No I can't think that way 'cause I know that I'm really, really, really gonna be okay We are on a remarkable adventure. It's filled with joy, pain, reflection, anticipation, sorrow, fun, grief, and so much more. And all of that can be done on a vibrant rainbow. Because even our sorrow and grief can be colorful. Plus, rainbows aren't just a straight line. They go up and down. My point is that these lyrics are merely the highlights of the story. There's more to be said in between the lines. My mom gifted me a book called No More Faking Fine . I...

Dory was so wise. Three simple words that you can keep repeating over and over. Plus she said it so cheerily in a sing-song way, so how can you not smile when you think of it. I recently read a book where this phrase was used throughout the book. It struck a cord. We all have coping mechanisms whether we realize them or not. Some are simple, some may be elaborate, some may be harmful, and so on. But as we grow and navigate the world, we create them and lean on them. I've mentioned before that exercise was my crutch for a period of time. It got me through two postpartums, my father's death, and many other trials in between. It wasn't a cure all, but I found that many times it did truly release the endorphins I needed. There are obviously other things I did through the years. Pretty sure junk food was involved heavily during some periods of life.  But when you get in a pickle and don't have the physical means to exercise and your stomach can't tolerate much of any...

Several months ago I was on my drive home from an appointment in the Cities and the song "Rise Up" by Andra Day came on. The song had been on my playlist already for quite some time, but I never really absorbed what she was saying until that day. It spoke to me in so many ways. It is me. You're broken down and tired Of living life on a merry-go-round And you can't find the fighter But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out Move mountains We gonna walk it out And move mountains And I'll rise up I'll rise like the day I'll rise up I'll rise unafraid I'll rise up And I'll do it a thousand times again And I'll rise up High like the waves I'll rise up In spite of the ache I'll rise up And I'll do it a thousand times again For you For you For you For you When the silence isn't quiet And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe And I know you feel like dying But I promise we'll take the world to its feet Move mountains...

I stepped away from work to take care of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about this day approaching. It’s attached with many emotions, but mostly, I’m just so proud of how far I’ve come. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I took a leave from work. I mean I planned, but I knew that my plan might not work out. And it didn’t. I hoped a month would be enough and I could return part-time for awhile. I think I always knew deep down that it wouldn’t, but I’m stubborn and didn’t want that to be the case. So stubborn that I did make myself go back to work only to leave again after two weeks. I’ll be honest, it felt like failure. But at that time I sought out a new doctor and nutritionist after watching hours of virtual seminars. Besides being inspired by their knowledge, I ultimately just went with my gut. And I’m so glad I did. Was it easy? Did it work in an instant? Heck no! There was a lot of trial and error at the start. I think the biggest takeaway is that I learned how to listen to ...

you learn as you go. And now you all have that song in your head ;) I wish I had something positive to say about feeling like crap, but I don’t have it in me today. I kind of feel like I’m living this secret life amongst my own life, a life that involves parasite cleansing. It’s the most non-glamorous thing one can do, or at least up there on the list. It’s straight up gross. And I feel certain very few want to hear about it, so that’s why it’s a secret. And the fact that most probably think it’s bananas and possibly made up. It’s not, I promise you that. I’ve survived two cycles of Ivermectin and one full day of Praziquantel. And as promised, I felt worse during those times. It took me a good three days to recover from Praziquantel. But they did what they were supposed to do, help kill liver flukes, worms, and who knows what else. And if you recognize the medication names, it’s probably because you once gave it to your pet to get rid of their parasites. ...